Curve ball damage

Tell me how is it possible that life can be going along very nicely thank you and one small, insignificant happening throws your head into chaos? The peace you had, the order, the emotional resonance that was still, is all suddenly thrown into chaos. 

The universe sends us curve balls. You hardly ever see them, you certainly never expect them and they can hit you really hard as the speed is set for warp. Curve balls don’t have to be bad things and on this occasion it is far from that but it does bring energy, chaos, new thoughts, emotions, noise and for what? To damage? To hurt? To wake me up? To take me away from safety and to make me feel alive? I have no idea whether it’s all, some or none of those but this one surely managed some of these.

A fire has been lit, a spark created, a passion aroused but I have no idea what to do with it or what the universe is trying to say. There is water, there is a land I don’t know, an eagle that soars and a person I don’t recognise, don’t know, may never meet.

This curved ball has pierced me and is living under my skin. It’s created an itch I can’t reach to scratch. It’s caused a crater that’s feeling empty. It needs more than a sticking plaster, it must have touch and emotion and feel a hand in a hand, warm, tender and true.

The universe has thrown me a curve ball and there is damage. Part of me loves the feeling it has given, the breathlessness, the excitement but there is also a sense of loss and I don’t know what any of it means or where to take it. The universe has sent me a curve ball and I have to trust that the universe knows what it’s doing and that is will also show me or point me towards the road map to enable me to know what to do and which way to go.

Curve ball damage has caused a magnificent chaos of colour and sparkle and fizz – let’s see the fallout unfold…..

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Feeding the inner you

Yesterday I took about an hour and a half out of my working day to meet with a lady I recently met. The old version of me would have either not taken the time out or felt guilty for not working but now I see these times quite differently. These times out are absolutely critical as this was feeding the inner me, the compassionate me, the silent me, my very soul. Only when this inner me is fed and loved can the achievements be attained, the hard work accomplished, the knocks be accepted and the past left behind.

This lady has a beautiful peaceful resonance about her and we just connect. She is like a portal to the inner part of me, my faith and I could have talked to her all day. It’s very difficult to describe but she brought things out of me on a spiritual level that I had long since forgotten or put away because I couldn’t see what to do with them. She recreated moments in time, emotions, people from the past, special moments I had long since put aside and reminded me how beautiful they were and how much they meant to me.

If they were so beautiful why had I put them away? Quite simply they were too painful. They reminded me of times that could never be repeated, moments with people I loved who no longer stood by my side, lost moments never to be regained. Because of the state of my mind in times gone by I put them away as happiness was forbidden, I didn’t allow myself such luxuries, I didn’t deserve to remember nice things, I wasn’t worthy. Now I see that to be the best version of me I can be, I need these to grow, to learn from, to recall and enjoy and remember.

Do you have memories you can physically step into? You can hear the noises around you, smell the aroma in the space you occupy, feel the emotion like it’s happening now, see the people as if they are in the room. If you can, no matter how they make you feel don’t lose them, don’t lock them away, don’t avoid for fear of hurt. They were with you to learn from, to reenergise the inner you, to remind you, recharge you, reactivate emotions in you…..so many reasons.

This lady, whether she realised it or not, gave me back a part of me I had partially locked away, partially ignored and was scared to have back. She gave me safety. She gave me peace. She gave me energy, a peaceful, most blissful energy. We’ve only just met but the impact is huge and long lasting. She was my blessing yesterday and I am truly thankful for her. 

The best is yet to come but enjoy the now

People are funny creatures in that we tend to fall into three distinct categories, all of which are varying in size. There are those who live in the past, some of whom won’t want to leave, some can’t leave and some would like to hop on the next bus out of there. There are those who live in the future, the dreamers, the planners, the avoiders of reality. Then there are those who live in today. Now it may be just who I meet, but this group is the smallest of all as I have found very few people live for now but that is not a criticism, it’s a difficult place to be and needs a really strong sense of who you are, courage and assured self worth.

I truly believe we need a balance of all three. Well maybe balance is the wrong word as I must be clear as I don’t mean equal. There is nothing equal required here but a healthy mix is vital for happiness.

The past, whether good or bad is who we are today. It’s because of what we have seen, heard, experienced and the choices we have made that we can look in the mirror and see who we are. Now, whether you look and are comfortable with what you see or whether you would like to change some or all doesn’t come into it. You must accept what you see as you cannot change what has been.

The future, for me, is a good place to focus on. You can neither live in it, experience it or guarantee what it will be but you can shape it and set the present so the future is a positive one.

The present, the place we are all in at all times but maybe we aren’t as aware of it as we could or should be. It’s a place we should enjoy, appreciate, choose to be and really live in. It’s gone so soon and becomes the past far too quickly. Be present for the people you love and spend time with. Create an environment where the future will be positive, assured (as best we can) and enjoy every single minute. Avoid the desire to continually look back with wistful and what if thoughts or dream all day of the future. The present is fleeting so savour it, be in it, make sure that when it becomes the past you look at it and say ‘thank you for giving me this wonderful now and promising future’.

The future holds so much excitement, so much possibility. Thank the past and leave it where it must stay, look ahead and see the potential of your future and enjoy the now, the day, the moment. Be present in the present and the future will be all you dream it to be.

My story isn’t over 

If you are a regular to my world you will know my story and how it had to end as ‘a rediscovered life’. An end and a beginning in one small step. Ending it never signified the end of my story and in fact it heralded the beginning of a new one, a brighter one, a positive one. I have managed to attain an energy, some of which I have captured and kept to one side in case of a day where I feel I have less. How have I done this? Read on….

When the dark was really dark and my world was a black void of silence it was so powerful that even now I can feel it; dark, sticky, oppressive, painful to breath in, desperate to breathe out. I can taste the sourness, the bitterness, then nothing, no taste and the smell is like death, rotting food, an acrid smell of a burning fire. It is a good reminder for me of where I have come from and so it is bottled up but never to be released. I don’t need to open that particular bottle to know what it’s like but it’s a good one to get it off the shelf and show someone so they know it’s possible to capture it and begin again.

My days always feel positive, fun, happy, tasting of summer sun and chocolate and smelling like freshly laundered clothes and fresh flowers but there was a defining moment where I knew that this is how I wanted to feel for the rest of my days. I made a point of capturing that moment, the emotion, the excitement inside, the smells, the feelings, the power and I keep that with me every day but a small bit of that is tucked away just in case. It’s way more powerful than the darkest day so I know it will never be overpowered and it’s bright so will never be overshadowed by the dark and it’s scent is so beautiful it can cover any stench the dark day can emit.

Without dark we can’t have light but for me it’s best to keep the dark to a minimum and have my super power by my side; my little bottle of joy, of life, or serenity, of sunshine. So for me my story isn’t over, it’s just another page in the book that I have created during my lifetime. The chapter began with belief, confidence and with me finding me. My story lives in me and I implore people to read it, read me, talk to me, enjoy the words, the images, the brightness of the pages. Some may sometimes need to hear me read aloud the previous chapters to understand where this chapter began and that’s fine with me. I like sharing as it gives them perspective like it gave me life. To think that place could give birth to such sunshine and brightness is nearly impossible to believe but your story is never over till you decided to add the last full stop and I refuse to do this

Gratitude

Not so very long ago I would have struggled to find five things to be grateful for in my life. As I stand today I fill up a journal page every single morning without even having to think about it. I am absolutely blessed to be where I am in my life and I am so very, very grateful and I also know I deserve to be where I am because I have worked hard to get here.

What is gratitude?

Is it just a matter of saying thank you?

I think it is more than that. I think it’s appreciation of a situation, a person, a place or space in time. It is a realisation and a belief that you deserve the good things, the people, the position you are in at this specific moment in time. It is a joy. It is a love. It is a passion. It is an energy that transcends anything else.

You can look back and forward with gratitude. If you haven’t already read The Secret please do. I have a gratitude journal from this amazing way of being and in there I record what I’m grateful for today and what I’m grateful for that hasn’t yet arrived, but as if it already has. It’s simply manifesting what you want in life. It works! 

Take five minutes now and mentally note what you are grateful for in your life and then for what you want in your life. It’s most empowering to visualise life as you would like it to be as if it is already here. Try it and see.

This morning I am grateful for the day, my children, my role in life, my skill set, my passion for healing, my energy, for friendship that I receive and that which I give out, for love, for laughter, for learning, for the ups and downs and challenges. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I am totally in awe of where I am and sometimes pinch myself in case it’s not real and simply a dream, but I know I definitely woke this morning and another day has been given me so I have every intention of making is as fabulous as I can.

And I’m grateful for anyone reading this and what you bring to the table for without you I’m actually talking to myself !

The voice inside that must come out

We all have something to say in our lives. You may not think it life changing for someone, you may not think it profound but how you impact someone else with your words may never be known. Following that thread then, what if you stay silent? You definitely won’t inspire, show affection or love, educate or communicate any thoughts or emotions that you have. What is the worse that can happen and what are you afraid of?

I used to torture myself when I wanted to speak. I used to sit in meetings and practice what I was going to say for so long I never actually spoke up. I tripped over my words and never expressed what was in my head and was then frustrated that I wasn’t heard. I stopped talking because I felt I had nothing to give. Looking back, and it’s really not that far back to look, I feel frustrated with the person I see there, tormenting herself, lacking in the confidence to speak up and voice her opinion, keeping silent when words should have been said. She, I, didn’t feel anyone wanted to listen but now I know there are things I should have said. They will now sit in my memory as lost conversations, lost moments and will never be experienced. A waste.

We could live a long time on our “what if” statements couldn’t we? Instead I have learnt to see them for what they are and ensure I never miss the chance to be heard again. I vow to speak up when I see wrong doing, when someone needs to be told the truth, no matter how tough, when my feelings need to be voiced and when I have an opinion, as I now know it’s valid. 

This doesn’t always make you popular you know! Sometimes it can be taken the wrong way, but that’s for you to repeat in ways that make it understood. Some people don’t want to hear, even if you eloquently speak and have the intent to care, to love, to support. Some aren’t ready for your words. Sometimes you will misinterpret a situation and say the wrong thing but as longs as you recognise this and find the apology you will be forgiven. 

When you do choose the words, when you voice them in the right way, when you say them to the person who counts, it’s the most amazing feeling. Being listened to is one thing, but for your words to be heard is something else. You feel valued. You feel strong. You feel courageous. You feel empowered and you feel wanted.

Standing on a mountain top shouting at the winds passing by is therapeutic but ultimately voiceless. Speaking to another person and seeing your words affect them in a positive way and feeling their sense of emotion in return is priceless.

So when are you finally going to say the words inside? Tomorrow? Too late. Try today…..

People need people

No matter what we all need people. Oh how these people can influence us though and we need to take care. If your circle of friends, no matter how long you’ve known each them, are negative or bitchy or uncaring why are you surrounding yourself with them? Harsh I know! If they are like that, are you?

I once had a PE teacher at school who I really respected and she took me to one side after a class one day and very sweetly suggested I be careful who my friendship group consisted of. I, being a teenager, looked at her as if she had three heads and although smiling sweetly (because in those days you didn’t answer your teachers back) said politely “thank you miss”. Obviously as I walked away I was muttering “who is she to tell me who my friends are” as well as other things but being the sort of child I was I did think about what she said and took a look. I didn’t really get what she was saying but I was more careful moving forward, they did change and looking back she was right. If I had carried on the direction I was heading, life could have taken a very different path.

It isn’t compulsory to keep the friends you have and sometimes you have to let them go and move on. A really tough decision and action to carry out but if they aren’t serving you and making you a better person then why are you still there? Friends should lift you, help you grow, pick you up when you fall, be honest with the good and bad and they should do that for others too. They say you are the average of the five people you spend most of your time with – is this a good thing for you? If not perhaps you need to begin to expand your friendship group and let others go. 

Is this callous? I don’t think so. I’ve changed my circle of friends in the last year and I am definitely a better person for it. Why? Because I have found a group who get me, are positive, willing to take risks with life, keep me safe, genuinely care for my wellbeing, encourage me and say what they see, no frills, no hiding behind words. In turn I have become a better person and am able to give me to them, support, nurture, encourage, coach, care, protect. None of the people I spent time with before were bad people but those I know brought be down to raise themselves up, gave me negativity convinced it was for my benefit, talked to my face and behind my back and were generally in the relationship for what they could get out of it, are gone. Sad but this is my life, I’m in control and I want to be the best version of myself I can be so if it’s callous I make no apologies. 

Take a look at you, take a look at your friends and be honest……. We all need people but we need the right people for us. You have a choice and you have your hand on the rudder in your life. Steer it wisely. 

Do people write (on paper) anymore?

Do people write love letters or poetry anymore? Do people sit and pour their hearts, minds and souls onto paper for someone else’s benefit? Do receivers gain tingles of delight reading, knowing someone has taken time and care and thought nothing but of them whilst they wrote? I’m assuming, wistfully maybe, that there are those out there who still have this passion for paper, romance, heart but probably not as many as I would like to see.It’s an art form in itself to compose but you don’t need to be a writer, you don’t need to be a scholar, you don’t even have to have very good language skills. It’s about coming from your heart and writing down however that person makes you feel. It doesn’t even have to be grammatically correct as long as it’s you.

I have a little challenge for you today to see if we can resurrect the art of writing love letters or poetry. I’d like you to take time out of your day where you can focus on this single task. I’d like you to sit with pen and paper and just let your thoughts go. Maybe visualise the person you write to or about. Maybe you think of a time or a moment you couldn’t have done or do without them to explore the emotion you have inside. Maybe you make it funny if that’s your personality or your relationship, or romantic, or passionate but always from your heart and not your head.

If you are feeling brave enough I’d love you to translate them in a response on here. So who are you, where are you, what have you got inside that needs to come out and are you courageous enough! I believe you are. 
Creative writing is something I’ve always loved. Writing poetry to express myself was an emotional release. I still write now and when I am sad or angry with someone and I know it’s just how I’ve taken something and not a real issue I still write to them even now, just to get it from my system.
“I never meant to hurt you, but always get things wrong. I was simply asking questions, to see where you were coming from. I maybe should have waited or asked you straight. But it was late. I never meant to hurt you but guess I’ve done it again. Can you ever forgive me for what I said and did. I was trying to give food for thought not question what you do. Please forgive me darling love. I can’t be losing you. To see you walk away from me is more than I can bear and I’ve spent my whole life searching for you, don’t go, not now, not here.”
It doesn’t have to rhyme, it doesn’t have to be a particular style, it doesn’t have to be anything other than what comes from you to them. And sometimes it’s for no one, just words to set you free. So can you accept the challenge? Don’t think about the words, just dig deep inside and they will come.

It’s not about me

I spent a long time soul searching, repairing, looking at myself – but to what end and for what purpose? Was I being selfish totally focussing on me, finding out what makes me tick, who I am, where I am meant to be on this amazing planet of ours? I have had moments where I would have answered yes and then tried to justify why. Now, today as I sit here I can honestly stand tall, strong, proud and true and say no I was not being selfish. Living that whole looking inward period has been a life saver, it’s been growth, it’s been a happiness creator and it’s allowed me to stand today and say “this life – it’s not about me”.

Today I am proud to face the world and say whose life am I changing today? Who needs me? Who wants me to stand by their side and be their strength, their guide, their hope, their dream maker, their energy giver? Because it’s not about me and my demons sit with my ego in the back seat, I can tell someone it’s possible……

It’s a powerful thing realising the world does not revolve around you, your needs, your dreams and when you face yourself and say it’s not about you, you empower yourself to be the best version of you that you could ever be. You give yourself permission to live and be the person your have always meant to be. You allow yourself to stand strong and firm in your belief and this is like a beacon of light to others. You become a giver in the purest sense of the word.

You don’t need to go looking, they will find you. You shine like a candle in the darkest of nights. You glow so beautifully you are irresistible to those who need you. There is no failing, there is no selfishness, there is only the gift of giving, listening and holding hope and belief for someone who isn’t yet ready to use their own.

You sometimes need to look inward to find the you you are meant to be and that’s okay to do. Give yourself permission. 

It’s not about me. It’s all about you and that makes me amazingly happy. So whose life shall we change today?

I will do it tomorrow 

How many times have you heard yourself say “oh I’ll do that tomorrow”? How many times have you never seen it though? How many things have you missed out on? Why do you do it? Quite simply it’s called procrastination and you are missing out on so much by putting life off.

Twenty years ago I woke up to the idea that life deals you crap sometimes and tomorrow isn’t going to arrive and that someone has just missed out living their dreams, seeing what they wanted to see, doing what they really wanted to do. Why? In this case it was because she was too young and spent her life living for everyone else instead of herself. I wish I could just turn the clock back to give her another day to spend it doing everything she dreamed of. One more day to be who she wanted to be instead of everyone we (society) pressured her into being. Selfless, a fabulous mum, a loving wife, a perfectly beautiful grandma, a Christian, a friend. At what point did she get to be the title she was given at birth….. Margaret?

Don’t get me wrong, selfishly I’m glad she was all of these amazing things because it meant I had just the best upbringing anyone could ask for but I wish I could give her one day to see, do, act on, feel and enjoy all the things she missed doing because she was called to another place and time. 🎶One more dawn, one more day, one day more🎶.

When you wake and look at the day ahead, week ahead, rest of the month what do you see? Do you have it planned out? Is it an open and blank page ready to be written? Do you have bits filled in but are leaving the rest to chance? What about this time next year? What about two, three, four years time? Where are you going, what are you doing? What about today? What do you know you have to do? What do you need to do? What do you want to do? Where do you want to go and with whom? Do you want to do the same as yesterday or last Sunday? Do you want to try doing something you’ve never done before? Maybe you can and maybe you can’t but maybe if you really try you can plan it in.

These don’t have to be big things, just something that makes you feel alive again. It could be talking to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, it could be holding the hand of the one you love in peace and quiet with no interruption, it could be singing, writing or even reading the paper in peace. By all means climb a mountain, take a flight to a tropical rainforest, visit one of wonders of the world but whatever it is enjoy it, live, find freedom and most of all find peace in your heart and don’t put life off until tomorrow.