Don’t show me the hand

Rejection – the murderer of contentment. Self confidence – the victim. Insecurity – the life sentence (but only for me – rejection walks free).

“You aren’t good enough.” Whether said as bluntly or with a wrapping of pink fluff and gentle words or somewhere in-between, it is still rejection and I don’t know anyone who feels comfortable with that. Being rejected in whatever form or for whatever reason hurts.

Not saying I was insecure as a child but when I sent out birthday invitations I was traumatised by the fear that when the hour came for everyone to arrive, that no one would show! Utterly ridiculous I know, but even now I can feel that sense of rejection, all self inflicted, in the pit of my stomach and in fact, it still stops me doing things today. A battle I am yet to conquer.

Putting on events for me is the pits. what if people don’t want to come? What if they say no? What if they say yes and then don’t show? Would they go if it was someone else asking? Are they laughing behind my back at me even asking? OMG it’s like being in a horror story all of my own making! Logic and reason against years of insecurity, battling to the death.

It’s no good you sitting there and saying “but you are grown woman! Get a grip!” This is not something you can just slip off like a silk gown falling to the floor after a night at the theatre. This is not like having a door closed in your face and you just being able to push it back open. This is not like dropping something you don’t need into the bin and forgetting its existence. This is inbuilt trauma. This is breath catching horror. This is panic, fear, blinding paralysis and suffocation. This is an insecurity and my ego feeds on it. It devours it like a magnificent feast and is never sick after the party!

But, as you so rightly pointed out – I am a grown woman and I should not care whether people like what I do, whether they come and play and party the night away or whether they talk about me behind my back. BUT IT DOES – why? Oh that is simple – because I haven’t taken control of that just yet and need to seek out someone who can take that step back with me and then hold me there whilst I see what needs fixing. Until then? well I will continue to do what I must but with the knowledge that all those feelings are only in my head and not my reality.

When you have a fear that is ridiculous to everyone else it makes it worse knowing they are right. That doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up, berate yourself for your insecurity or inadequacy that you now feel or stop doing whatever puts that fear in control. You work through it. You find a coping mechanism. You seek support but you NEVER, EVER GIVE IN.

 

 

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Crazy in love?

You see! With this world I am crazy in love!  I do not believe in god but I wish for one above. I wish for higher frequency. I wish for understanding. I wish for endless decency, in a universe expanding.
I wish for soul survival. The linking of twin flames. I bleed for new revivals. Wish I could stop the pain. I wish that I could do it all, for every beating heart. Legs akimbo, standing tall. My shoulders are your ark.
It’s now or forever. If we fail to change our ways. The world ain’t gonna wait for us. Her Embers are ablaze. I wish to end the suffering. For the cogs of mass production. I wish to save the world. I need no instruction!

Zoey Blaize 2018

These words were written by a very talented singer/songwriter friend of mine and their simplicity and power touched my heart. I have never been a warrior for the universe itself as such, more for the people in it but recent months have given rise to the fact that what we do to the world around us is a mindless lack of care and love.

When I was in Cuba recently we had straws with everything – even our coffee – my friend and I wanted to scream at them – “stop giving us plastic, do you not realise what you are doing, condoning, ruining!” We saw damage to the coral reefs. We witnessed the litter scattered on the beach and at the side of roads, all abandoned by people who just didn’t care and wouldn’t take responsibility for their part of the universes survival. We saw the poverty leading to its own person centred destruction.

I am not and never will be a fully fledged Eco Warrior but I am a warrior in my own right; fighting for people, for their right to space, time and good health, mental and physical. I fight for the earths right for survival as long as possible for my children, my grand children and the grandchildren of my grandchildren tp enjoy and explore. I fight for those who do not have the capacity to express themselves. I fight for love and hope and our future. I cannot make a huge impact but I can play my part.

So I ask you today if you care enough to play your part? It begins with you, with loving you, loving you enough to have the desire, fire and determination to impact the world – beginning with your world, beginning with you.

As Zoey says so beautifully “I wish to save the world. I need no instruction!… With this world I am crazy in love!

 

 

Smarties at the bottom of the bowl

I love, love, love Smarties. I love to have some in a dish on my desk as a reward for getting all those administrative jobs done that we all hate and leave until they can’t be left any longer. They are my “eat the frog” sweets (your frog is your worst task, and you should do it first thing in the morning). The bowl this morning is empty and I have things to do – hell I need to go shopping….

What do you avoid doing? What do you do to encourage, cajole, force yourself to get them done? What’s your reward for getting lifes “frog” moments completed I wonder?

As well as Smarties, I love to do lists. I love, at the beginning of the week, to be able to collate all the jobs I need to do during the week, order them, colour code them (yes I have an traffic light system to depict urgency) and then print it off so it’s sat on my desk all the time. Oh the satisfaction of putting a scribble through each task when it’s done or at very least ticking it to show that I have made a start. BUT, there are things on there that I know have been there for far too long. Tadpoles let’s call them. They aren’t fully grown frogs but very soon they will be and I need to make a choice.

Now, do I get up tomorrow, get them done and reward myself with a Smartie (note to self – get to the shops asap) or do they stay on the list and I will try my hardest to tackle them or can I actually take them off as they have lost their importance or need to be done as I have left them so long? They are sometimes my “to be thought about” tasks – how to’s maybe or simply nice to haves. See I am already trying to justify why they are on there as well as my avoidance tactics! Get them dealt with !!!! They are on there for a reason – I know they are important!

Life has these all the time doesn’t it and we make excuses why we haven’t done them yet – you know the ones I mean – the ones that involve change, confrontation or just difficult conversation maybe, or the ones that mean we have to face ourselves in the mirror when we know we won’t like what we see. Oh yes I know you have already thought of yours but what’s your Smartie to get them done or, at very least, begun? Don’t use the excuse that there are no Smarites at the bottom of your bowl – the shop is not far away and you need to do these….

 

 

Falling through the cracks

Ever had one of those days where you feel that if you open your heart a crack will appear and you will fall right through. Falling not floating like Alice in Wonderland. Falling like off a cliff or from a plane with no parachute. Today is one of those days.

So much going on, so much to cope with, so many others to be strong for, so much for so many and not enough for me. I don’t know how to even begin but this is a start. I suffer from depression, but this isn’t it. I suffer from anxiety, but this isn’t it. I suffer from overwhelm – ahhhh there you go – that is what it is.

So many things to do, things to organise, things to look after, things to follow up on and still the mundane work life balance to maintain. Talk about it! Err I can’t – who do I do that with? All the people I would normally talk to are part of the overwhelm! Park it and move on with my day! So can’t do that, I’m stuck in treacle and have no escape. Take a breath and review the scale of this! Okay that seems doable. Let’s give it a go….

Three very deep and long breaths later and do you know that helps. It’s like putting on armour – to protect me, to give me strength and give me the focus I need to get through the next few hours. I am not looking further than that. I can’t look further than that.

Tears rust armour so they aren’t allowed but damn them they want to fall. Let them go and lose control or hold them in and put on a brave face? Normally I’d always advise to let them go but these ones I am not sure will stop and I have “stuff” to deal with today so I will let them loose when I’m done with the day.

When you want to help but are told you can’t – how useless do you feel? You feel responsible to make that person better but know they don’t want your help. You have to stand and watch – that is a torture and so very difficult to bear. When you want to mend but know you don’t have the skillset – how naïve can this make you feel? When you want to gather everyone else’s problems, illnesses and  issues together and tidy them up and sort them out but don’t know where to start – what a dysfunctional person you become.

Damn this overwhelm. This is taking over every thought, every action, every second. Take a breath and review the scale of this! Okay that seems doable. Let’s give it a go…. repeat and continue until the world makes sense again. Never mind looking to tomorrow, this afternoon is long enough away in time and this overwhelm cannot seep into it. Take it by the throat and take its very breath away by breathing with yours. Breathe in courage. Breathe in strength. Breathe in knowledge that you have the power. Breathe in, breathe in, breathe in. Breathe out overwhelm until it exists no more inside you.

You can’t fix the world, accept it but you can heal yourself. That is always the place to begin. Heal. Love. Empower. Self. Only when you’ve done that do you have anything at all to offer anyone else.

I am more than I appear to be, all the world’s strength and power rests in me! That means I do what I can, control what I can (my actions and responses to life and that is all) and be the best I can.

Overwhelm – do one!

Surrender

Do you know what complete surrender is? Have you ever experienced giving yourself utterly and totally to something or someone? It is not an easy thing as there has to be total trust, total belief in yourself and those on the journey with you and the purest honesty you will ever know.

In surrender there is nothing. There is no hiding. There is no holding back. There is freedom. There is pure naked loss of control. There is something divine. There is silence. There is pure unadulterated bliss. There is a place where there are no thoughts. No words. The silence is deafening and the world has just stopped spinning, for a split second there is a stillness and then a release.

So once you have reached this ultimate sacrifice of yourself what then…. I believe it is all you ever dreamed about giving, receiving, learning, loving, hoping, wishing, manifesting. Freedom. Freedom from others, freedom from yourself. A sense of power. A strength through your very core that no exhaustion or loss of energy can ever take away. An inward breath of life; a gasp, a sharp intake of air so fresh that it somehow stops everything for a split second, allowing your body to realign itself and become something more; placing you in another dimension from where you have been living.

Surrender – a dictionary definition can sound very negative when it states “capitulate, give in, give (oneself) up, yield, concede, submit, climb down, give way, defer, acquiesce, back down, cave in, relent, succumb, quit, crumble“. These synonyms bring about a sense of loss, backing down from something, of giving in, of admitting defeat but look at them again and find their power. To give in takes courage, a higher mode of belief, a faith in yourself and your surroundings that you will grow from the act of letting go. To defer to anothers knowledge, faith (especially when yours is low), a strength in character or ability and being power in your own skin. To succumb can be most beautiful – the most precious gift you give to yourself and therefore those around you.

Surrender to the universe and feel the freedom you are given in return. When you surrender you are saying “take me, take from me all that I carry, all that I am and free me from it all. I give you myself. I trust that you will take care of me and keep me safe. I surrender and give all I am to be all I will become”. And, as the great Eckhart Tolle says “sometime surrender means giving up from trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing”.

Most of all enjoy the feeling, the emotions, the beauty in giving yourself. Open to that blind silence within and breathe. When you surrender yourself, others see the you inside, the you that shines, the pure you who came into this world. When you surrender feel every moment and treasure it for all eternity. It is truth. It is power. It is pure poetry. It is…. silence.

 

 

 

A moment of meditation?

Meditation. What’s that all about then? Sitting cross legged like some monk with your eyes shut, humming? Far too difficult, time consuming? Doesn’t really work does it? I hear these sorts of comments often but think about it…..

Taking time to sit, bring your focus into your own body, checking how you are feeling, breathing, enjoying the quiet of the moment and feeling refreshed afterwards, still, at peace, ready to get back into the busy we call living. Is it such a bad thing to do? Is it so weird to be still and regenerate your energy?

Yesterday I did a meditation in the shower, washing away all the negativity I’d felt around me during the day, the weariness of my own body and mind, the noise and stresses of being around too many people. Today I walked. Never really thought about walking as a meditative practice but with my headphones on, the sun shining, the quiet country roads I stepped forward. 

I didn’t hum, I didn’t om, I didn’t ahhh. I just stepped one foot at a time and felt every step. I felt the movement under my feet, I felt how the gravel felt in comparison to the Tarmac, I felt the soft movement of the earth beneath my foot as I stepped onto the grass  verge when a car came by. I heard every songbird, every moo from the cows, every buzz of a fly as it zipped past my face. I felt the breeze gently caress my face, teasing my hair and brushing across the back of my neck as I stepped on.

I felt every single drop of sweat run down through my hair, my neck and soak into my t-shirt. The music lulled me into a rhythm, interrupted every five minutes as my walking app updated me as to how I was doing. Determined to beat yesterday’s time I increased my pace and then came back inside to how I was feeling, listening to my heartbeat through my headphones as a the music swapped and there was a silent pause. It wasn’t long before there was nothing but my breath, a beat from the background music and my feet as I pounded that Tarmac road. No birdsong, no trees, no traffic, just the inner me creating its own rhythm to walk to.

I was aware of how my muscles felt, how my arms were feeling heavier and I had a slight pull in my right shoulder. I was aware of the blister forming on my toe as I wasn’t wearing socks. The occasional thought of the outside world popped in, I acknowledged it and let it go. My dreams and ambitions flashed in but I just moved them gently to one side for later as now was time for me, my here, my now, my present moment was all that I wanted to enjoy.

As I took my last few paces I began to recognise the outside world again and thanking myself and thanking the universe for the walk, I stepped back inside and back to… life. Much refreshed, rejuvenated, alive again. If this isn’t a form of meditation that anyone can do, I don’t know what is.

Can I walk with you?

🎼 I love my life. I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am free. I love my life. I am wonderful, I am magical, I am me.

Thank you Robbie Williams for creating a song that reads like my life right now. This was playing on the way home from one of the biggest, most important weeks of my life. A week where it became absolute to me where I am supposed to be in life. My purpose. It’s an enormous emotion when it’s hits you and takes some getting used to. A couple of weeks on and I think I’m finally comfortable with this new version of me.

I give thanks every morning to be in this place. It’s been a long journey with many tears, frustrations, physical and mental bruises and having to face a lot of things I’d rather have avoided (and that includes many things about me). Worth every step now I’m this side of my own fears. 

I wonder how many people in the world are blessed to know what they need to do with their time on this planet. I wonder how many know and how many care. Many are just happy to travel through and make the best life they can and that is absolutely fine but I needed more because I knew there was more for me, I knew I was more than who I saw during that bad time. 

When all you see is bad, depressing, going nowhere and makes you sad to your very core I beg you not to give in. Facing it all and standing up to yourself is the hardest thing you may ever do because in doing that you have to face up to others, make painful decisions and choices and maybe go so far as walking away and beginning again but it can be done. Easy for me to say as I’m in a good place now? Actually no because I know how hard the journey is but is it worth it? Absolutely yes. 

It may not feel like it but there are people willing to listen, help, support and love you even when you can’t love yourself. You just have to choose to change and then ask for help. All I have to give is my experience, my heart to care, a pair of ears to listen and legs to walk alongside someone who’s been courageous enough to say help me change. I am humbled to be trusted to share someone else’s journey and blessed that I’ve had a tough road to understand. 

One step forward

As we are born, we are born helpless and yet with love and teaching we grow, we develop and we become more and more independent. We learn to eat, to talk to walk. Remember that first step you saw your child take? Remember the emotion it inflamed in your heart? Pride. Happiness. Joy. Fear. Love. Unconditional love. 

Turn this on yourself. When you take a step in life what emotions does it bring? Do you even notice taking them or is it all just ‘what you do’. Have you forgotten how awesome it is to be able to walk? Do you feel your foot on the surface of this earth beneath your feet? Can you feel how your foot moves? Can you feel the pressure, the touch, the surface? 

And how often I wonder, do you take a step back and stop to look at what you have and where you are. I wonder if when you step back you are looking behind and wishing you were back there instead. I wonder if you actually stop and see where you are right now. 

Life is uncertain, uncomfortable even sometimes. Life can be hard. Life can be sad. Life can be all these and more and yet when you decide to step up and step forward it feels a good place to be and the bigger the step the further you travel. The more certain the step the faster you move. The lighter the step the more you enjoy. 

I’m speaking

I didn’t speak for so long. I don’t mean I was mute of course or a hermit. I didn’t speak, I didn’t verbalise what I held inside, I didn’t choose to express myself because I didn’t have the confidence in myself that the words were worth listening to. Now?

Now is so very different and I know that to keep words inside is a very destructive and indeed self destructive thing to do. Words need expressing otherwise all that goes with them, the emotions, feelings, life, death, future, possibility, healing, love, pain, passion or truth, get stuck in a place inside and decay. As the words die and decay, so do you.

By speaking I thought I would lose but realistically because I didn’t speak I lost everything, especially myself and I was hurting. Words saved me to a certain respect. Words were my medication. Words were the healing force. Words were my peace. I needed to express why I was hurting, why I was dying inside and when I did the world outside opened up and gave me colour and safety and love.

I wonder how often you use the expression “I had to bite my tongue”. I wonder how many times you’ve been dying to say something but stopped yourself because you thought it was inappropriate or would be taken the ‘wrong way’. Is this possible if your intent is good, said with love and to help the other person/people understand how you feel? What was it that stopped you expressing what was inside? Fear? Fear of being misunderstood, fear of letting go, fear of the impact or the outcome if the truth was out there? 

You will NEVER know someone’s thoughts or reaction to truth and if you are wanting or needing to say something it is your truth and needs to be said. If you keep a secret, and let’s be honest, that is what an unspoken thought is, you are living a lie, you are living in your own lie and that cannot be a good thing surely? Speak. Verbalise. Open your mouth and let the words escape, let your truth out. How refreshing, how liberating, what freedom to be open, to be honest, true and expressive.

What’s to lose? If your intent is true and your words chosen and thought through (not said in anger or to hurt) all you have to lose is the secret life you live. I told a secret once and let the words out that I had needed to express for so many years and it gave me a peace I cannot describe but it gave me so much more; friendship, growth, love, new opportunities and laughter. What’s not to like about speaking words….

In the world I lived I was sad and very lonely. This new world of truth, of honesty or enjoying words, speech, thought, conversation, expression is something I can’t give up. It’s where I belong. 

If I could see you

If I could see out from this page who would I see? A tall, handsome man. A petite lady of 32. A millennial with firey red hair. Grey hair and wrinkles from a life well lived. A 45 year old man rushing to or from his office. A stay at home dad making breakfast. A retired solicitor. A nurse on her wind down after a long shift. I often wonder who I would see if only I could look out from this page.

I’ve described you but only the outer you. If I could see past the external layers, into your eyes and deep inside I wonder who I would see. There are times when you look at someone, face to face, eye to eye and you can read through to their very soul if they allow you to. Yes, you know those moments don’t you, the ones of which I speak, those moments when nothing and no one else exists, the moment where a hundred emotions are expressed and yet not a word is said. Those moments when you cannot lie.

What about another moment, a normal day, a stressful time, an average day in the life of a friend, a lover, an acquaintance. Can you read them? Can you see who they are? Do they show you all or only what they want you to see? If I stepped from the page now and looked how much would you, could you, should you reveal? I’d love to say I’d like it to be everything, the real you, the human you, the excitable, compassionate you, the fighter, the dancer, the lover, the racer, the philanthropist, the entrepreneur, the mum, the husband, the sad you. But I think not. 

I think I would see only the outer you in most cases because it’s all you allow the world to see. It’s all you can be because it’s all you know. You would allow me to see the one dimensional you, the cardboard cutout, the pasted on version, the masked you because it’s all you can allow, all you are able to give. I get it. Reveal anything else, even a glimpse of who you are inside and I will see it all. It’s who I am and what I do. How? Because I’ve been there so know the signs. Why? Because I don’t want anyone else to sit where I sat. I care for the inner you, the one you hide and I have a space which I hold where it’s safe to let them out.

When you look at this page, who do you see looking out? A nosey woman, an older woman, a fighter, a lover, a carer, a passionate woman but with fear still in her eyes, a sad woman, a lonely one, a loved person with good family and friends, a depressed or angry person, a writer, a dancer, a whizz in the kitchen, a therapist, a compassionate human, a giggler or just words on a page which catch you unawares sometimes? I have no idea and it’s up to you to paint the picture from what I reveal. 

Create me, paint me, give me shape and form. Give me a personality, a face, a life you think I could lead, then reveal some of you for others, for me, to see. Show them, show me what hides behind those eyes reading these words. You are not just a face, a pair of eyes, a reader. To me you are human, a person, a personality, a bundle of emotions, flesh, raw and maybe you are scared to let go of this facade you show, but it’s okay, it’s safe because most of all, you deserve to be seen.