It’s Been 7 Years…

7 years between these photos.

On the left is a woman who to the world had everything and a smile for everyone. Just days after this photo was taken her world imploded and she fell apart. Depression is a cruel and unstoppable force. The painted smile was torn away and her only option was to walk away from the world she had been living. That or call it a day.

On the right is the same woman now. Older. Wiser. Greyer. Tattooed. Pierced. Business owner and living a life that she is both proud of and happy in. Loving life and able to love and be loved. It took work. It took time. It still goes wrong but she is strong enough to deal with it.

This is me. I had people around me who understood and propped me up whilst I healed. It was hard for people to understand. From some “she will get over it”, from others “how could she walk away”, from those who saw through the smile “we were waiting for this and can now help you”, and from many, a call, a cuddle, a hand to hold or a smile and space and time to find my way whilst they walked by my side, dipping in and out of my life as I needed them.

For my family it was hard, confusing, worrying, sad but they always tried to help where they could. For my children… life changing, sometimes I regret things and feel I will never be able to make it better, sometimes I know they prefer the laid back mum who makes time for them and herself as she is so much nicer to be with.

Mental health hits all people, all ages, all backgrounds. Strong, confident, outgoing, or vulnerable, shy and lonely. We can all be touched by the black dog and when you see someone who suffers, please don’t judge, please don’t presume, please hold out your hand and offer a smile, a kind word, space and never tell them to pull themselves together. Their world has imploded and some days it’s impossible to even get out of bed and wash. If this was you what would you want?

Watch your children, they are already being impacted from all sorts of areas. Watch your wife, husband, siblings, partner, parents, friends. If you don’t understand try…

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It’s Already In You

I have spent 7 years searching for my purpose, searching for me and I’ve found it… it was in me all along. My purpose is the gift I have always had – my gift of touch. I have the ability to touch and somehow instill some kind of peace within another person. I can do this best when someone comes to me who already has the need to be touched. Somewhere, deep inside them, is the need to be touched and set free and they find their way to my door.

What you need is already inside you. Sadly, you cannot always hear that voice inside because the noise around it, the noise in your mind, is just way too loud. What my touch reaches out to, is the part of you beyond the noise that craves the silence, the stillness, the calm. This will silence the noise once and for all. When touch finds that spot, you have begun your journey to silence.

Witnessing that moment is probably, for me, one of the most amazing experiences ever. For some it is a physical realisation that they have the freedom of movement. For others it is letting go of the exhaustion that has held them back and allowing their energy to flow once more. For some it is an emotional journey and allowing emotions long since hidden away, to emerge and find space to be felt and heard and breathed. There are those who find their silence in a head full of noise and regain their voice, setting their mind free from a tangle of thoughts they thought inescapable. For some they may find a faith once lost and a belief that there is something more to life for them than the physical. For me it has been all of these and seeing it in others is like experiencing each one of them all over again. Simply amazing.

A touch can give you goose bumps. A touch can make you recoil as your silence rushes uncontrollably to the surface and you may just, for now, force it back down. A touch can make you laugh or cry. A touch, given with heart, brings peace and safety and quiet. A touch is a gift but has to be accepted to be of service.

My touch, the one I refer to here, is a physical touch but there are others…. a smile, a good deed or maybe just an intent to make another life better, brighter, more manageable, quieter. You do not have to be with them. You can touch another in many different ways and they will feel it. It is teaching one human to care for another and it is learning to care for yourself.

There is so much marketing and buzz words and hype and pressure nowadays to be someone. To be better. To be busier. To be more successful. To earn more. To be seen more. To be more, more, more.

Please just be you….

You are beautiful just the way you are. What you desire from yourself, from life, is already inside you. All it takes is for one person to see who you are and your world can change.

I see you….

 

 

Look… No Filter

Technology enables us to add filters to everything these days, and yet, if you look at this photo you can gaze upon the beauty Mother Earth has provided with absolutely no filter whatsoever. This is as she intended, to see her work in all its wondrous glory. Bold, bright, glorious.

Taking this photo reminded me how little I filter myself or my life anymore and how uplifting and empowering that is. No it doesn’t make me the most popular girl in class but at least I am being my authentic self and living my values – I am am happy with that.

What do I mean by no filters?

Let’s begin with what I see – I see things, places and people as they are. I seem to have an ability to see through the facade / filter that people place upon themselves and how they are living. I am able to see though people I guess would be a way to put it. I see the raw, the beautiful, the untainted you – and its far more beautiful than the picture you paint over the top – I see your honesty, I see your truth, I see the love you are scared to feel or give. I see you and wish you could see you too – you would love the you I see. I know I do.

When you speak what do I hear?  I hear the words between the lines – that place where no filter is possible, where a cover up simply cannot reach. Don’t lie to me, I can hear the true words beneath yours.  Don’t tell me you are fine, I can hear the words underneath the pain and torment and overwhelm you are experiencing. Don’t tell me you care, I can see the actions do not match – if you care, show me.

When I speak, I speak the truth. This does not make me popular as people prefer the lies, the half truths, the fantasy, the ego caressing words that we tend to speak to each other.  Finally I speak as my mother always taught me – honestly, as I see things and people and if I have nothing nice to say, I simply keep quiet and observe. If I am angry, I am quiet. If I am thinking, I am quiet. If I see something beautiful, or if I have a kind word that someone needs to hear, I speak it out loud to the one who needs to hear it, stranger or friend. If we have to move on, I say goodbye with love, no matter how hard that is.

You touch me with your pain, your need for friendship or love, your desire to be cared for or heard. You sometimes touch me with uncaring words, or hurtful looks or gestures. You sometimes have no other way of expressing yourself except through touching the ones you most care about with your hurt, trying to transfer it to someone else so you no longer feel it. You, if I am lucky enough to gain your trust, allow me to touch you. Only ever with the intent of care, love, attention, healing and the inner peace you are searching for to allow you to begin again. Touch is my gift – allow me to give.

Sometimes filtering can leave a sour taste in our mouths and even our hearts. It is at that moment we need to speak our truth. I speak mine through how I love, how I act, how I speak, how I live and who I am. I am not perfect and sometimes that taste in my mouth is there, the uncomfortable weight sits on my chest, the busyness begins in my head, I start to doubt myself and I know I have to take a deep breath and say what I know to be true. If I lose you, we have had our time and we both move on. I will mourn you a while but know it is right. If we stay and we travel together a while, I know we have a journey of discovery, loyalty, laughter and opportunity ahead and can’t wait to begin.

Filter what you say and you hurt yourself, you fester and a part of you dies. Take away those filters and you will discover a true you, a happier you and a stronger more empowered you underneath. Like everything else, it isn’t easy, you will make errors and it will take time for it to become your normal, but when it does, watch the world become brighter, the love you give out come back twice as large and be ready to feel a sense of peace you may have lost of never experienced before.

Live Life: No Filters.

 

 

Come with me….

Multi Dimensional Living or Tightrope Walking

There is a whole conversation to be had about how we live in a world of multi dimensions and continually slip between the the layers so that we find a world that looks the same but just has a very slight change that we don’t even notice has happened. But not right now. Today I just wanted to think about the fine line that we walk on and how something very small can bring us crashing to the ground or soaring to the sky. A bit like walking a tightrope.

Nearly every day I speak with people, mostly who you’d think are living the dream, or at very least managing well in the world, but they are hurting and they are hurting themselves and sometimes sat against the smallest and thinnest of walls which, at any minute, could break down and send them crashing through into a world they cannot return from – death.

Not sure where those words came from as this was meant to become something positive but let’s go with the flow now it is here…

Suicide…. a place from where we cannot return and a place we plan to visit to simply get rid of what what is hurting. Suicide is not necessarily seen as death – just a place where the pain stops. It stops for those who follow the path, it begins for those they leave behind.

I have been listening to the soundtrack of The Greatest Showman this week and these words sprang to mind from it…

“Some people long for a life that is simple and planned, tied with a ribbon. Some people won’t sail the sea ’cause they’re safer on land, to follow what’s written. But I’d follow you to the great unknown,  off to a world we call our own.
Hand in my hand. And we promised to never let go. We’re walking a tightrope. High in the sky. We can see the whole world down below. We’re walking a tightrope. Never sure, never know how far we could fall. But it’s all an adventure. That comes with a breathtaking view. Walking a tightrope.
Mountains and valleys, and all that will come in between. Desert and ocean. You pulled me in and together we’re lost in a dream. Always in motion. So I risk it all just to be with you. And I risk it all for this life we choose.
Hand in my hand. And you promised to never let go. We’re walking a tightrope.  High in the sky. We can see the whole world down below. We’re walking a tightrope. Never sure, will you catch me if I should fall? Well, it’s all an adventure. That comes with a breathtaking view.

This fine line, this tightrope we balance on. We can all walk it but with totally different mindsets – we choose? This fine line between worlds, unless we leave it too late (no support, no asking for help), we get to decide if this is an adventure with the breathtaking view or if we fall. How do I see my role in this world? To teach those walking it the balance, calm and clarity they need to walk it, to hold their hand when they falter, to catch them when they fall and sadly sometimes just share their space if they decide to jump.

Life is very much like walking a tightrope, it is a fine line that we can easily lose our balance on, but there is help, there is support. There is a way to enjoy the view because from up here you can see everything that is glorious if you go slowly, be observant, live in every single step instead of looking too far ahead and are prepared to take the hand of someone if you lose your balance.

I sit and I watch, I observe and I listen, and whilst doing that see the beauty in the world and in you. If you falter, just ask to see through my eyes whilst you regain your balance.

I have a dream…. think BIG, work small

I HAVE A DREAM…. I think we all know this quote and where it came from but that isn’t the quote I want to use today.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream…. In fact I have many; some work, some personal and some for others that I love and I know without working in the present, little by little every day, these dreams will always remain just dreams. BUT! If I live in the present moment, working on what I am doing, with intent, with care, with passion, and not losing myself in ‘what if’ and ‘maybe’, little by little my dreams will become my reality.

On bad days or in moments of despair I have been known to drift forward into fantasy land and I know you know the one… that place where all your dreams have come true and life is wonderful. I have lived there often and sometimes for far longer than was healthy. Why? Because it was life as I wanted it, everything was just right, life was perfect and life was easy – but more importantly, I was happy there. Sadly when you then arrive back in reality it is harder, darker, more complicated and you feel stuck in treacle with the lights off and someone sat on your chest to make sure you can neither breathe or move. It is fantasy and can be fatal.

This quote “Think Big, Work Small” was actually given to me this weekend whilst I was on a massage course and was referring to seeing the space I was working on as much bigger but focusing on, and working small and deep within – but what a beautiful thought process for life. See the big picture, have dreams and ambition but work deep and small, see the detail, plan, prepare solid foundations for what you are about to create. Keep your eyes on the horizon and your mind on the present but, in that small space, that detail, know that at every level you are creating a ripple effect and all you do impacts something else which in turn impacts another step, another door opening, another opportunity for you to take. It’s like a magical sequence of doors that lead you forward until one day you realise there are no more doors and you have arrived!

May I ask what your dreams are? Are they fantasy and fatal or are you thinking small and stepping forward little by little to achieve them? Do you have someone walking by our side or are you doing this alone? Have you even begun? Think big and work small – but you have to begin…. if you don’t you will reach then end and wonder ‘what if’ and that is just sad.  Your dreams don’t have to be fame and fortune – they can seem insignificant to someone else but remember they are your dreams and you are not only the dreamer but the creator and the one who will know that sense of achievement when you arrive!

Don’t live others dreams and don’t allow them to live yours but dream, dream, dream….. then begin.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” Martin Luther King Jr.

 

AARRRGGGGHHHHH……

What is overwhelm?

I have no idea what overwhelm is for you but for me it is knowing I have lots to do, knowing that I have already prioritised and ranked my tasks and I know that I can actually do it all BUT I simply can’t cope with it all without that breathless feeling, that shouting in my head, the noise in my ears and the inability to switch off.

Today is simply one of those days. As usual I wear a smile and if anyone casually asks, then I’m fine or having a really productive day. If however someone close asks, or maybe someone I know will ‘get it’ when I can’t put it into words, then I allow my barriers to drop and say ‘do you know, today I am just not coping’. That doesn’t mean I need them to fix anything or say anything positive, just hear my words and realise that just them asking was enough.

Today I got the words “I can only imagine. You are taking your business into new places and it’s uncomfortable. But nothing in this life is easy. You know that I believe in you. Many believe in you…. step back a bit and ground yourself. ”

That was enough to pick me up, brush me down, hug me through the airwaves and set me on the right track again. I believe in you. Powerful words when you yourself can’t, won’t, don’t or are just too much inside to see out. I believe in you. Astonishingly calming words when all you have is noise. I believe in you. Beautifully loving words when you are struggling to love yourself or what you do. I believe in you…..

When all else fails and your day feels like nothing is going right then remember that someone somewhere has your back and you can lean on them a while until your legs are strong enough to take another step.

Today I needed those words… tomorrow it may be you or someone you know. Remember them. Use them. Give them freely. Give them with love.

So from AARRRGGGGHHHHH to AAAHHHHH. From chaos to calm. From overwhelm to a sense of knowing that it will all get done / sorted at some point and until then just breathe and do what you can.

Don’t show me the hand

Rejection – the murderer of contentment. Self confidence – the victim. Insecurity – the life sentence (but only for me – rejection walks free).

“You aren’t good enough.” Whether said as bluntly or with a wrapping of pink fluff and gentle words or somewhere in-between, it is still rejection and I don’t know anyone who feels comfortable with that. Being rejected in whatever form or for whatever reason hurts.

Not saying I was insecure as a child but when I sent out birthday invitations I was traumatised by the fear that when the hour came for everyone to arrive, that no one would show! Utterly ridiculous I know, but even now I can feel that sense of rejection, all self inflicted, in the pit of my stomach and in fact, it still stops me doing things today. A battle I am yet to conquer.

Putting on events for me is the pits. what if people don’t want to come? What if they say no? What if they say yes and then don’t show? Would they go if it was someone else asking? Are they laughing behind my back at me even asking? OMG it’s like being in a horror story all of my own making! Logic and reason against years of insecurity, battling to the death.

It’s no good you sitting there and saying “but you are grown woman! Get a grip!” This is not something you can just slip off like a silk gown falling to the floor after a night at the theatre. This is not like having a door closed in your face and you just being able to push it back open. This is not like dropping something you don’t need into the bin and forgetting its existence. This is inbuilt trauma. This is breath catching horror. This is panic, fear, blinding paralysis and suffocation. This is an insecurity and my ego feeds on it. It devours it like a magnificent feast and is never sick after the party!

But, as you so rightly pointed out – I am a grown woman and I should not care whether people like what I do, whether they come and play and party the night away or whether they talk about me behind my back. BUT IT DOES – why? Oh that is simple – because I haven’t taken control of that just yet and need to seek out someone who can take that step back with me and then hold me there whilst I see what needs fixing. Until then? well I will continue to do what I must but with the knowledge that all those feelings are only in my head and not my reality.

When you have a fear that is ridiculous to everyone else it makes it worse knowing they are right. That doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up, berate yourself for your insecurity or inadequacy that you now feel or stop doing whatever puts that fear in control. You work through it. You find a coping mechanism. You seek support but you NEVER, EVER GIVE IN.

 

 

Crazy in love?

You see! With this world I am crazy in love!  I do not believe in god but I wish for one above. I wish for higher frequency. I wish for understanding. I wish for endless decency, in a universe expanding.
I wish for soul survival. The linking of twin flames. I bleed for new revivals. Wish I could stop the pain. I wish that I could do it all, for every beating heart. Legs akimbo, standing tall. My shoulders are your ark.
It’s now or forever. If we fail to change our ways. The world ain’t gonna wait for us. Her Embers are ablaze. I wish to end the suffering. For the cogs of mass production. I wish to save the world. I need no instruction!

Zoey Blaize 2018

These words were written by a very talented singer/songwriter friend of mine and their simplicity and power touched my heart. I have never been a warrior for the universe itself as such, more for the people in it but recent months have given rise to the fact that what we do to the world around us is a mindless lack of care and love.

When I was in Cuba recently we had straws with everything – even our coffee – my friend and I wanted to scream at them – “stop giving us plastic, do you not realise what you are doing, condoning, ruining!” We saw damage to the coral reefs. We witnessed the litter scattered on the beach and at the side of roads, all abandoned by people who just didn’t care and wouldn’t take responsibility for their part of the universes survival. We saw the poverty leading to its own person centred destruction.

I am not and never will be a fully fledged Eco Warrior but I am a warrior in my own right; fighting for people, for their right to space, time and good health, mental and physical. I fight for the earths right for survival as long as possible for my children, my grand children and the grandchildren of my grandchildren tp enjoy and explore. I fight for those who do not have the capacity to express themselves. I fight for love and hope and our future. I cannot make a huge impact but I can play my part.

So I ask you today if you care enough to play your part? It begins with you, with loving you, loving you enough to have the desire, fire and determination to impact the world – beginning with your world, beginning with you.

As Zoey says so beautifully “I wish to save the world. I need no instruction!… With this world I am crazy in love!

 

 

Smarties at the bottom of the bowl

I love, love, love Smarties. I love to have some in a dish on my desk as a reward for getting all those administrative jobs done that we all hate and leave until they can’t be left any longer. They are my “eat the frog” sweets (your frog is your worst task, and you should do it first thing in the morning). The bowl this morning is empty and I have things to do – hell I need to go shopping….

What do you avoid doing? What do you do to encourage, cajole, force yourself to get them done? What’s your reward for getting lifes “frog” moments completed I wonder?

As well as Smarties, I love to do lists. I love, at the beginning of the week, to be able to collate all the jobs I need to do during the week, order them, colour code them (yes I have an traffic light system to depict urgency) and then print it off so it’s sat on my desk all the time. Oh the satisfaction of putting a scribble through each task when it’s done or at very least ticking it to show that I have made a start. BUT, there are things on there that I know have been there for far too long. Tadpoles let’s call them. They aren’t fully grown frogs but very soon they will be and I need to make a choice.

Now, do I get up tomorrow, get them done and reward myself with a Smartie (note to self – get to the shops asap) or do they stay on the list and I will try my hardest to tackle them or can I actually take them off as they have lost their importance or need to be done as I have left them so long? They are sometimes my “to be thought about” tasks – how to’s maybe or simply nice to haves. See I am already trying to justify why they are on there as well as my avoidance tactics! Get them dealt with !!!! They are on there for a reason – I know they are important!

Life has these all the time doesn’t it and we make excuses why we haven’t done them yet – you know the ones I mean – the ones that involve change, confrontation or just difficult conversation maybe, or the ones that mean we have to face ourselves in the mirror when we know we won’t like what we see. Oh yes I know you have already thought of yours but what’s your Smartie to get them done or, at very least, begun? Don’t use the excuse that there are no Smarites at the bottom of your bowl – the shop is not far away and you need to do these….