Rejection – the murderer of contentment. Self confidence – the victim. Insecurity – the life sentence (but only for me – rejection walks free).
“You aren’t good enough.” Whether said as bluntly or with a wrapping of pink fluff and gentle words or somewhere in-between, it is still rejection and I don’t know anyone who feels comfortable with that. Being rejected in whatever form or for whatever reason hurts.
Not saying I was insecure as a child but when I sent out birthday invitations I was traumatised by the fear that when the hour came for everyone to arrive, that no one would show! Utterly ridiculous I know, but even now I can feel that sense of rejection, all self inflicted, in the pit of my stomach and in fact, it still stops me doing things today. A battle I am yet to conquer.
Putting on events for me is the pits. what if people don’t want to come? What if they say no? What if they say yes and then don’t show? Would they go if it was someone else asking? Are they laughing behind my back at me even asking? OMG it’s like being in a horror story all of my own making! Logic and reason against years of insecurity, battling to the death.
It’s no good you sitting there and saying “but you are grown woman! Get a grip!” This is not something you can just slip off like a silk gown falling to the floor after a night at the theatre. This is not like having a door closed in your face and you just being able to push it back open. This is not like dropping something you don’t need into the bin and forgetting its existence. This is inbuilt trauma. This is breath catching horror. This is panic, fear, blinding paralysis and suffocation. This is an insecurity and my ego feeds on it. It devours it like a magnificent feast and is never sick after the party!
But, as you so rightly pointed out – I am a grown woman and I should not care whether people like what I do, whether they come and play and party the night away or whether they talk about me behind my back. BUT IT DOES – why? Oh that is simple – because I haven’t taken control of that just yet and need to seek out someone who can take that step back with me and then hold me there whilst I see what needs fixing. Until then? well I will continue to do what I must but with the knowledge that all those feelings are only in my head and not my reality.
When you have a fear that is ridiculous to everyone else it makes it worse knowing they are right. That doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up, berate yourself for your insecurity or inadequacy that you now feel or stop doing whatever puts that fear in control. You work through it. You find a coping mechanism. You seek support but you NEVER, EVER GIVE IN.