If yesterday was the beginning of letting go, today was the release. Deep rooted, gut wrenching, sorrow filled sobbing. I guess letting go means that you have to empty all that you are, all that you have inside and only then can you have truly released all.
It began with a massage yesterday and I felt from the very core of me, deep inside my womb the stirring of a memory. It was astonishingly realistic and I guess that’s because to my physical and mental being, my daughter was real. She may have lived for only a short time and then became a memory but my body remembered her.
It ended with a massage. As with yesterday, when deeply relaxed and in another world the stirring began and I knew this was it… she wanted to go home and yet I wanted to hold her hand a little while more. That voice inside told me it was time and with a wrenching deep inside, just like giving birth to her, she was free. It was the most surreal experience, so real and yet just an emotional energy being released from the first home she knew.
The tears began and even though I stifled them, I held them in, I breathed to keep myself calm, they were out; she was free and I had to let her go. With her went my love, my heart, my soul and I asked the universe to keep her safe. Sobbing like a child, I had to just let the tears roll uncontrollably down my cheeks until the breathing settled, a calm was felt and my baby was gone.
She’s gone home but always here, just around me rather than kept inside. I was keeping her from moving on and in turn keeping myself in the same state. I had to take the responsibility of being a mummy and let her go, just as you do when they take their first steps, start school or find a love of their own. Letting go so they can fulfil their own destiny.
I thought I’d feel lost and empty and sad but I actually feel calm, peaceful and silent. A foundation for a feeling I thought wouldn’t come. Life from death. It can take a moment or forever but you have to choose it, you have to release whatever your hurt is and you have to say thank you for all you’ve gained from that moment in time; for me, five months where it was just she and I. My Sarah.