The Flight of the Goose

Are you that goose – that one at the front? I am and I learnt a beautiful thing this morning – that I don’t have to be – I can move along to the back and let someone else take the lead a while – my time will come again before the journey is over or the destination reached.

The freedom of just knowing that if I step back someone else will step up is unbelievably exhilarating and why I have been fighting this all this time I do not know. I am arrogant and stubborn enough to think I have to live at the front at all cost… oh how the body cries “noooooo” as does my mind. Without these working well, my soul weeps quietly in the corner.

Now when I say I have moved to the back – that does not mean in any shape or form that any other physical being is now doing my work – it simply means that I have let go. I have stopped battling against all that I have to do to make my life a success and surrendered to the fact that sometimes you just have to stop pushing for things to happen and let the universe / fate / God / destiny (whichever feels right for you) take the front seat. Trying too hard is as detrimental to you, your business and your health as doing nothing at all.

It is scary stepping into a place you haven’t been before. It is that leap of faith that we love to talk about. Imagine that moment when you have nothing beneath your feet, no safety net and only trust and faith (one on either side of you) holding your hands. Close your eyes just for a second and try and picture yourself stood, maybe on a cliff edge, and simply stepping forward. Nothing beneath you but air and sky and yet low and behold you experience the comfort and security that a concrete floor provides.

Did you get that sick feeling in the bottom of your stomach? Fabulous if that is a yes as it means you really did give yourself to nothingness.

Did you fall or did you stand tall? I hope for the latter as that is faith – faith in you and faith in something or someone else.

Did you sense, even for a second, a sense of freedom, elation, breath? Imagine that 1000 times bigger and every day.

Are you still the goose in the lead or can you take a rest and let go of control and direction and enjoy the view? (You will take your turn back up there when it’s your time I promise).

Time for me to sit at the back of this glorious formation and take the energy and direction from something far higher than myself.






The Pain Junkie

So things aren’t going so well today? What’s hurting? Head, heart, stomach, joints, limbs, chest or something or somewhere else? How often do you feel like this? Is it a long term problem, short term, just begun or have you been carrying this for as long as you can remember? What causes it? What do you do or what happens in life to make you feel this way? How long do you allow the pain to stay?

I know there will be some out there with the physical illnesses that can be seen, touched, felt but I am speaking to those experiencing the ones no-one can see as you do, the ones that begin in your head but manifest themselves elsewhere too, the ones that you cover up or only share with those very few around you that understand. I am talking to those suffering with mental health issues, depression, anxiety, PTSD.

I am no expert and I apologise if I don’t see this as you would like or as you experience it, but I have been there and I know what I felt like, I know what I experienced and that is all I can give you.

Why the heading of the pain junkie? Honestly I don’t know. As I go through my day I know I need to write and the rest just comes. This is not some thought out, drafted blog – this is as thoughts come to me and I know that when I lived each day with depression this is what I became – a Pain Junkie. Not because I wanted pain or because I needed it in my life – believe me I lived every minute wishing it would go away and leave me alone – BUT at least with the pain I felt something. That had to be better than feeling nothing at all – imagine if you can having no emotion, about anything, nothing at all.

I would be grateful each day for the headaches, the exhaustion from lack of sleep, the throbbing ache of my joints, the tightness in my chest and the erratic heartbeat. I would be grateful because that meant I was still alive and I was experiencing something of life even if not in a very positive or productive form. I wanted pain because that meant I hadn’t yet taken the last step over the cliff. It meant I, my body, my mind and my soul still had enough fight left inside to give me hope.

With time,  learning skills such as breathing, meditation for focus and finding space to let my thoughts be still and the inordinate amount of support from those who didn’t really know me at all but could see and empathise with my pain, I found my way through. Having people who didn’t know the old me, the me I used to be, somehow helped because they weren’t getting frustrated with who I had become and couldn’t tell me to “pull myself together” or “you will get back to where you were”. I didn’t want to do either of those things.

The stubborn me wanted more, the inner me knew I was so much more than I had ever been and the core of me stored all that I needed to persevere and beat this. I didn’t want who I had been, I simply wanted to be the me I was born to be, the me I could be, the bigger, better, more positive me – the happy me. Even on my darkest day I knew I was better than this. Bigger than the darkness. Stronger than the thoughts in my head. More courageous than the ones who gave up on me. So I wanted to feel that pain to remind me every single day that I could do this and could not give up.

Your pain can be your friend. It can be the one who stands by your side and gives you the strength and the courage to take another baby step forward. But, in time, friends may change, some have to change, some came with no invitation and must leave with no explanation. Acceptance of this is paramount. Pain can be your friend but pain cannot be allowed to stay. Pain in the end has to be evicted from the building it has lived in and gently moved on.

Why? Because we cannot be dependent, we cannot have a live in friend who eventually stops being a positive and turns into a festering worm making its way round your body and your mind and taking over your life completely. There is a fine line and you must be aware and you must be in control.

Be a Pain Junkie if it serves you but always be aware that when it becomes an unwelcome guest you are the one in control and must be ready to say goodbye. You can and will do this…. I have faith and I believe in you.






A Mothers Love

Today would have been the birthday of my mum and my unborn daughter, so “A Mothers Love” goes both ways – from my mum to me and from me to my daughter. If you are new to my writing I will give you a synopsis – I lost my daughter nearly 30 years ago when I was 5 months pregnant ( and then my mum 22 years ago to a brain haemorrhage when I was 9 months pregnant with my gorgeous daughter Amber.

It is an odd sense of loss as it’s also one which gets easier to manage with time. Sarah I have only recently learnt to grieve for and through that make her real in my life – I tucked her away in my memories for too long to protect my heart. Now I can share her with the other half of the miracle creator and that makes it all okay and she finally lives. My mum I didn’t grieve for, for 15 years – again I tucked the pain away to deal with another day – it’s not a coping mechanism I would recommend. When I did grieve, the rainbow shone bright and it was all manageable again.

I am very thankful that I was loved by my mum. She was always there for me. She never made plans for me or lived my life for me – she was always just there, supporting, encouraging, nurturing and sometimes rolling her eyes, but always picking me back up when I repeated some disasters time and time again! We hugged, we shouted, we fell out and we made up – all the usual mother/daughter emotions but I still wish I could have been more for her – I am aware that I got so wrapped in my life I probably didn’t give her all she deserved. I am so proud of my mum – she had great faith in her God, she gave, gave, gave to everyone who needed it, she put herself last and her children first and she was a huge advocate of the underdog. I guess I have some of her traits.

I didn’t get to be a physical mum to Sarah as I couldn’t even give her life, but that doesn’t mean I am not her mum or she my daughter – we just didn’t get to do it physically. I do miss that and it’s my biggest regret but it is how so many women live.

So today I close my eyes, picture them both and send them my love.

If you are missing someone – a mother, a daughter, a wife, a husband, a son, a friend or anyone else then my heart is yours. Remember to cherish any time you had and mourn as you feel you should. I would encourage you to keep them in your heart and not lock them away but it’s whatever is right for you. I implore you to find your grief inside and embrace it, as it can, done with care and the desire to say goodbye and let them go, bring them even closer but in a more positive and happier way. That may sound madness and it’s just my experience but something to consider maybe when the time is right.

As a mother to my daughter and a daughter to my mother – happy birthday and thank you xxx


I’ll Give You a Year

You need a pen and paper for this…..

I am thankful for all I have but sometimes I wish I could just get up and go and live my dreams with no exceptions and with no fall out or consequences.  I have already asked myself this very question that I am now asking you. I would love you to really do this and then post your outcome. This is an interactive exercise after all. Communicate with me!

So – I’m going to give you all the cash you need, time off work, the ability to never fail and the freedom to choose. The only ‘catch’ to this is that you only have a year left of your life to use. Are you up for this?

I wonder, will you travel, if so where are you going and who with? Will you purchase a fast car and race against your favourite driver? Maybe you have a secret passion that you can now fulfill. Maybe you have a special someone you want to share this with (that’s doable as it’s your choice remember). Maybe you want to create something for someone else – something to make their life better. Let your imagination run riot.

You can do anything, anywhere with anyone – but you only have 365 days! Don’t take too long deciding and don’t procrastinate – he is the thief of time remember…. Me? I thought you may ask.

I took an hour or two in advance of answering and asked myself what I loved to do, then what I love but no longer do and then what I would love to do in the future and what I really don’t love right now. Once those lists were complete I was ready for my year. As you can imagine I am not sharing it in detail as this is a really personal experience but in a nutshell….

I am asking the love of my life to join me in the most magical 12 months of our lives, where we will travel the world experiencing the cultures, the people and the countries we have always dreamed of. We will laugh a huge amount of the time, we will share experiences that may make us exhilarated or excited or moved and we will laugh, cry and share our hearts over sunsets and sunrises.

I will provide for my children in both a financial and emotional way so they are ready to be better, passionate lights to themselves and those around them for the years to come.

I will allow myself freedom so say F*** It to all that has ever held me back and I will be a free spirit, at one with nature and, upholding my values and belief in myself and the world around me, I will have understood the journey I came to this world for and to have loved, laughed, shared, succeeded and learnt along the way.

Wait a minute – I’ve given us all the cash we need, time off work, the ability to never fail and the freedom to choose, but looking back at what I just wrote we can do all this now… we need nothing more than courage, imagination, passion for living and belief in ourselves and we get as much time as we want to enjoy it in – its infinite this thing called life – IF you live it.

Really try this – get writing and find out what your life could be and if you can, share it with me.







Naked. Vulnerable. Proud.

When you create a website for your business it is like laying yourself semi naked on the floor and allowing people in to view! I am laying myself right there. This is me. This is who I am. I cannot be anyone else. I will not be anyone else. I am comfortable in my own skin and am proud and blessed to be in a position where I can use what skills I have to heal people. People like you. So here I am. Take a look, judge me, message me, book a session and allow my therapies to take you to a part of you that you had forgotten existed.

It has taken me a long time to create this website – over a year in fact and for no other reason I didn’t know what to say. Who was I? Who was I talking to? Why did they want to listen? What could I tell them? What do I do? Was I ready to expose myself and all I have and all I am?

When you are a service provider you are your brand which means there is no hiding behind a widget that you make or a product that you sell – you are the brand and people buy you. To do that they must know you, so you have to be vulnerable and allow people in. They need to trust you – wow that is a biggie – trust a total stranger when you yourself are at your most vulnerable! They need to believe in something they cannot see, only feel once the treatment is complete. They need to know and understand self love or the ego and guilt trip of taking time for themselves will trip them up every time they try and call to book. They need to know self worth.

That is a huge set of requirements and I have to get that across on what…. a laptop, a mobile, a tablet…. a very personal experience on a very impersonal electronic device. A huge task.

Needless to say I began and stopped – my self worth, my ego, my financial constraints, me, myself, I – they got in the way for a long time and I allowed them to as this was all part of the process, my learning, my growth. I reflected, I listened to others, I learnt new skills and new ways of working, I found mentors and guides and I grew. Then the day came, as if by magic, I knew what I wanted to say and how to say it – I just opened my mind, my heart and imagination and allowed the creativity out. I didn’t think too hard, I didn’t have to – I just knew. I recreated my brand, I had videos created showing what I do, I wrote about who I was and why I do this but more importantly, what I can give to you – my prospective client and I spoke it all from my heart.

Now I lay myself here for you to judge not only me and my services but also your self worth. Do you deserve what I can give? Do you deserve to feel good, happier, lighter, broader, calmer, stronger? Do you deserve the time? Are you worthy? I know I can give you all of that but I have to let you get to know me so let’s begin – message me and let’s take a journey together. I have time, the ability and qualifications and the space. What will you bring to my table?

Blowing Trumpets – I write here too and you can see my website!

Are you good at what you do? Yes? Fabulous. Who do you tell? What do you mean you don’t? How do you promote who you are and what you have to offer the world? You can’t do that? Why not? Bragging? I don’t think so….

I am absolutely hopeless at standing up and saying “I am fabulous at what I do, can heal parts of you you didn’t know weren’t serving you and you would be absolutely insane if you didn’t use my business”.  But I think it and I believe it – so why can’ I say it out loud?

It is simple really, because I don’t want to stand out, I don’t want to be seen as a big head or arrogant, because I want to be accepted and not derided and I do not wish to fail or at least I do not wish to be seen to fail. Oh my, you can tell I am British can’t you! Get a grip woman – you are fabulous at what you do, you have a good business head, you have a gift that the world needs and you are genuinely a good person and your intent is always to ensure that someone feels better after an interaction with you. What’s the problem?

People are funny creatures and whilst they know what needs to be done, their ego or some other such idiotic character within themselves puts pay to whatever they try and achieve. What will people say, think, do…. does it/they really matter? If you have a passion for what you do and are good at what you do what is wrong with telling the world – think of it as a service you are providing. I provide a service of healing, caring, nurturing, supporting, empowering and all in a safe environment to enable people to explore and discover their own feelings, emotions, blockages and possibilities. How absolutely fabulous is that?

I allow people space and time to think about where they are in life, where they would like to be and then between us explore how they can make it with the ongoing support of my massage and holistic therapies. Oh my word why am I keeping so quiet? People need me. The world needs me. You need me. I need me (to be the person I was born to be).


Now get out there, pick up that trumpet and blow it hard!





The lost art of visiting our thoughts

When we take a pen and paper and open our minds and hearts to how we feel, what we are thinking, what we can see, hear and touch, or how smells and tastes affect us, we create magic.

Busy lives mean we compartmentalise our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We act on auto pilot and we can forget to express ourselves. A pen and paper invite us to do just that. Once of the oldest forms of expression we have.

An invitation: permission to express, discover how we really feel within the world of our subconscious self. The side of us we don’t always allow to hold a conversation with us. The side we are often too afraid to set free.

So, you have a pen and paper – but what to write? So often we cannot think of anything we want to say so we don’t begin or we crash out our thoughts on a keyboard, often in anger or frustration. Letters, creating words which are lacking in care, because their format is already pre-set and even. Handwriting will vary with the words, emotion, and the speed of thought to paper and become a picture of expression in itself. You may take time over how each word looks if the meaning is important to you.

Stop. Put your pen down. Take a breath. Close your eyes and take another breath and listen. To what? Listen to your thoughts. Keep your eyes closed and look into the dark recess of your head. The words are there. They may be humorous, they may be a double edged sword. They may be free and easy or hard to distinguish. They may make you laugh or cry or go to places you’ve tried to bypass for many years, but you can see them. Set them free…

Imagine being a word, a sentence, a paragraph or a whole story – wouldn’t you like to see the light of day once more and feel the air, the warm sunlight, the breeze as you move around and create shape and form on a page. Isn’t it time to release the old, musty, suffocating and stuck emotions attached to yourself. You have fear and sadness and anger wrapped around each of your letters. Set yourself free…

Find those words inside, talk to them, assure them that once you open the door and they flow from the pen that they will no longer hold emotions that make them feel overwhelmed and out of shape. No longer owned by you, they are free – no more attachment – no more past, just shape and form and colour on a page – a thing of beauty once more – no longer held back or embittered with unhealthy emotion and attachment to the past.

So, when you feel a moment where you need to express whatever is inside, visit those words in your head as you would an old friend and ask if they’d like to be set free and join with the words living in your heart. I am certain with encouragement and patience and the desire to be set free they will happily come forth and fill a page. Make their new home beautiful quality paper or a beautiful notebook – somewhere they deserve to live – and write them out with a beautiful pen and they will not only be happy to flow but will also create a work of art that is part of you. No longer angry or sad, but art created by your heart.

Read it back out loud and release them into the universe – free them from all they have meant to you – allow them to be words, just words, once more. No longer emotional baggage, no longer with a hateful sound – just words that can now move on and create new sentences and phrases – just like you – renewed, empowered and free to choose where they head next.

Why journal? It’s important to release, to let go, to create something new from an old story no longer serving you. Recycle without the emotional attachment. Let those words tell your story and then let them go – they are no longer yours – they no longer have an attachment to you, for you or to your past. They are simply beautiful words, enabling a language we should nurture and be proud to own, flowing across a page creating a picture of peace, breath and new beginnings.

Falling through the cracks

Ever had one of those days where you feel that if you open your heart a crack will appear and you will fall right through. Falling not floating like Alice in Wonderland. Falling like off a cliff or from a plane with no parachute. Today is one of those days.

So much going on, so much to cope with, so many others to be strong for, so much for so many and not enough for me. I don’t know how to even begin but this is a start. I suffer from depression, but this isn’t it. I suffer from anxiety, but this isn’t it. I suffer from overwhelm – ahhhh there you go – that is what it is.

So many things to do, things to organise, things to look after, things to follow up on and still the mundane work life balance to maintain. Talk about it! Err I can’t – who do I do that with? All the people I would normally talk to are part of the overwhelm! Park it and move on with my day! So can’t do that, I’m stuck in treacle and have no escape. Take a breath and review the scale of this! Okay that seems doable. Let’s give it a go….

Three very deep and long breaths later and do you know that helps. It’s like putting on armour – to protect me, to give me strength and give me the focus I need to get through the next few hours. I am not looking further than that. I can’t look further than that.

Tears rust armour so they aren’t allowed but damn them they want to fall. Let them go and lose control or hold them in and put on a brave face? Normally I’d always advise to let them go but these ones I am not sure will stop and I have “stuff” to deal with today so I will let them loose when I’m done with the day.

When you want to help but are told you can’t – how useless do you feel? You feel responsible to make that person better but know they don’t want your help. You have to stand and watch – that is a torture and so very difficult to bear. When you want to mend but know you don’t have the skillset – how naïve can this make you feel? When you want to gather everyone else’s problems, illnesses and  issues together and tidy them up and sort them out but don’t know where to start – what a dysfunctional person you become.

Damn this overwhelm. This is taking over every thought, every action, every second. Take a breath and review the scale of this! Okay that seems doable. Let’s give it a go…. repeat and continue until the world makes sense again. Never mind looking to tomorrow, this afternoon is long enough away in time and this overwhelm cannot seep into it. Take it by the throat and take its very breath away by breathing with yours. Breathe in courage. Breathe in strength. Breathe in knowledge that you have the power. Breathe in, breathe in, breathe in. Breathe out overwhelm until it exists no more inside you.

You can’t fix the world, accept it but you can heal yourself. That is always the place to begin. Heal. Love. Empower. Self. Only when you’ve done that do you have anything at all to offer anyone else.

I am more than I appear to be, all the world’s strength and power rests in me! That means I do what I can, control what I can (my actions and responses to life and that is all) and be the best I can.

Overwhelm – do one!

Just a vessel…..

I saw a lovely quote today about what a therapist does and it got me thinking…. what do I actually do to earn a living?

I’m nothing more than a vessel….

That doesn’t sound very productive, satisfying or fruitful when you put it like that does it. God do I actually do anything or am I a fraud, just someone pretending they can heal and serve people?

It’s an uncomfortable place I am sitting in even contemplating this. Why uncomfortable? Because the only proof I have that I do anything is the person I am working with. They feel better yes but have I done anything or is this just the placebo effect? Does it really matter which it is? So many thoughts and questions and bundles of self doubt….

Many questions, many self doubts, many answers that could be given.

So lets contemplate what I actually do? Physically I massage and relax. Emotionally I empower someone to face and release. Energetically I shift, I slow down, I speed up. Mentally I create breath. Spiritually I allow peace to settle in. Okay so that sounds like I’m dong something right?

Let’s think about this. Someone comes to me, they are a businessman or woman;  they are someone struggling with bereavement; they are mentally exhausted; they are stressed, overworked or overwhelmed. They are trying to be many things to many people. There is noise in their heads and they can no longer hear anything or anyone never mind think straight or find peace. They know that change is required for them to be a better person, feel better, be present, love, laugh, live. They don’t know what to do to find that because the noise is too loud to even concentrate. They call me…

I invite them to my treatment room, my quiet space and we talk. Nothing more. We need to see if there is a connection. They have to feel comfortable with me and I have to know they are ready.

Only then can the magic begin and we begin their journey with a massage. This is not your sports massage or your deep tissue – this is pressure, weight, a slow and firm and flowing pressure; this is creating a space in their heads, not for them to think but for them to breathe; allowing energy from the universe to travel through me to them and vice versa. Making a safe space for them to open emotional boxes they have kept locked; say something, everything or nothing. That is the joy this isn’t about me or what I want them to do, this is about me creating a space for them to do; learn to do; try to do whatever they need to reach the point they need to be at.

After that we may do sessions where we walk and talk, we may try some reiki, we may stick to massage or we may just catch up once a week on skype to check in and talk through anything that has cropped up during the week. We keep in touch. We build a relationship. We communicate. We do whatever is required.

Oh! I am a vessel. Not a hollow, useless one but a safe, quiet, gentle, loving vessel that someone who needs to change can utilise to find themselves, to heal themselves, to be themselves; to be.

Wow I love my job. No! I don’t have a job – I have a passion, a calling, a purpose.






The Blink of an Eye or Forever?

How long does it take someone to let go? For some it can take a lifetime and for some in the blink of an eye.   Firstly let’s see if you are asking this of someone else or yourself. Are you living with someone, working with someone, loving someone who is in need of letting go? If you are, let me make it clear that you should never put a timeframe on their transformation as it is none of your business – this is their personal journey. All you can do is be there and walk alongside them.  Also realise that you should never try to put a timeframe on your own journey…. you will always feel a failure as it will always feel it is taking too long.

We live in a world of instant gratification and yet some things simply take a while and you have to let them take all the time they need. Acceptance of this is key to letting the process evolve. Acceptance that at some point they or you will find a time and place where it’s that moment and all you can do is simply surrender to all you are holding in and it flows from you, either in tears, thoughts, anger, or simply a breath that seems to go on forever. It will be as though your body can contain it no more and it has to come out. It would be like trying to hold back a dam with your hands – impossible.

If you know there is work to be done then you are already taking huge steps to change, grow, transform. That recognition alone is a long way down your experience so acknowledge that and give yourself a well done pat on the back. If you feel you are making progress then be grateful for how far you have come. Never look back unless it is to see how far you have already progressed – sometimes it’s good to take a glance over your shoulder as it is easy to forget how many battles you have won and how many changes, even small ones, you have already made.

If I look over my shoulder I can’t even see the me I was and unless someone shows me a photo or brings up something from the past I have no recollection of the person I was then – not even six years ago, in fact maybe not even three and hell anything farther back and I simply don’t exist. It is like someone has given me a new body, a new headspace and a new pair of eyes to see my world with. I do see me from my early 20’s as that is where I was at my happiest and most comfortable and most free. The she then is the me now with some additions and I love her.

It is possible to change. It is possible to become a new person or simply regain the person inside that you loved being the most. Whatever you think or say and believe, you can achieve. You have to believe that to even begin to move, to transform, to grow, to be. You have to recognise there is magic inside each and every one of us that allows us to not just reinvent who we are but regrow a new you from the inside out – but there is the key – it has to come from the inside and it has to come from inside you which is why no matter how much nagging, imploring, cajoling others do – it has to be time and you have to feel the desire from the very core of your soul. A ‘nice to have’ is not enough. This has to burn inside you so brightly that you cannot help but begin to shine and shine you will.

You may hear a piece of music, read a book, watch a film, see a photograph. You may be inspired by another’s achievements, you may simply reach rock bottom and have no choice but move. There are many triggers and they will be different for everyone. For me there was a simply resignation that I could call it a day or change and the former was not an option, I had to be there for my kids but I had to be a better version – I had to be more – I was more – I knew it and I stepped through that door called fear and found another space on the other side that was really very beautiful and I stayed a while….

I still have moments of release and letting go of things I hold onto inside and I accept that to be the best I can be I have to change, I have to let go, I have to learn and I have to make some tough decisions sometimes. But, I have always found that through those doors of choice there is always another room full of possibilities – all I have to do is choose which one I go with next. If you hand is on the door handle, turn it. If you are stood by the door reach out. If you are in the middle of the room, when you get the urge take one step…. it’s all it takes and when you feel that something growing inside and needing to get out, don’t be afraid – find your courage and let it go….. I wish you well on your journey.