I have asked myself to look inside and see what is there. I don’t mean the physical sh*t; heart, lungs, liver, bones and so on, I mean what is inside that makes me who I am. Indeed – who am I?
Don’t you just love it when you get a profound question running through your head on a Friday morning!
Who am I? Wow that is a biggie.
I know who I have been so that is a start, right? I know I have been a dancer. I know I have been a lover. I know I have been a wife, a mum and a daughter, sister and aunt. I know I have been a failure. I know I have been a success. I know I have been a trier and I know I have been courageous. I know I was a giggler. I know I was a soft touch. I remember being brave and I remember being weak. I vaguely remember being a teenager, all full of dreams and angst and sadness as well as romance and learning and joy. I know I have loved and have been loved. I know there have been days when I wanted to end it all but then I have also known that even my flaws are fabulous.
I have been many things to many people and some I carry into today and some I leave where they need to stay – in the past. So who am I today?
I am a woman. I am bold. I am beautiful. I am open and honest to anyone who truly wants to know me. I have a heart that I will give to anyone who needs it. I am still a giggler. I am a lover – a lover for people, of people, with people, of life. I am a writer in my own way. I am most definitely a healer. I am sparkle. I am heart. I am laughter when the mood strikes me. I am….
(wait a second – as an aside as I write this….. when I write like this, am I just reading my ego’s words – I, me… Is this my ego or do I have accept that my ego is always a part of what makes my physical side? That is not wrong is it? If I allow my ego to become the centre of attention to be praised and looked upon as special, that is wrong isn’t it? My ego is my state of mind? My ego is the external object but that doesn’t make it a bad thing – not always? If I tell you who I am, does that open the door for you to do the same with me? That’s good right? The “I”, the “me” I talk about here is the spiritual me. The true me. The me I only give to a few, to allow them to become the “me” they need to be. The me and the I here is my soul.)
Anyway… back to what makes me, me…. I am made by the people around me. I am made with the love I am given, I am made by the challenges set me. I am made by empathy and forgiveness for my flaws. I am made by support and I am made by their need to be better – that allows me to give back what they give me. I am alive and I am living life – that is most important for me to remember – I have made choices, some easy and some more difficult, but choices which allow me to be the me I am today.
I am ridiculously forgiving unless someone lies to me. I am still a dancer. I am nauseatingly (for some) positive. I am a mother and that is the most rewarding, joyous gift I have been given. I am a woman with questions about people, about life, about love, about possibility (yes I am nosey). I am sensitive – sensitive to criticism but also to touch and emotions and energy. I am naughty. I can still be silly and let my hair down. I am a reader – of books and of people.
So why do I need to know all of this? Because it is the only way I will know what I want for my tomorrow. If I do not understand myself, how can I possibly understand my purpose, what others see, what others need from me, or what I am capable of achieving. If I know who I am, I am stronger, wiser, more courageous and I am able to give myself to others without the fear of being lost to them. If I don’t know me, how can I possibly know you and that is, at the end of the day, what I want to do.
I want to know the you inside. I want to know your highs, your lows. I want to see what makes you laugh, get angry or frustrated, cry. I want you to know that I hold all you tell me inside and never share it with another soul. I want you to trust that what I tell you about me is what you get. I want you to talk so I can listen. Most of all I want you to be happy, (btw has anyone asked you that today? I bet they asked how you are, but I bet they never asked if you are happy). I tell you about me, so you know what you are getting when you stop by to say hello, not because I want my ego stroking, not because I want someone to tell me I do a good job but because I need you as much as you need me.
I am a healing, loving soul reaching out to you in order to serve my purpose. No other agenda. No other desire. No dreams of creating something for me. Just knocking at the door, laying flowers for you to take or not. In the words of Nanny McPhee “when you need me but do not want me I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, I must go.” (and I have no idea why I wrote that but there it is – my thoughts know more than I most days).
I lay these flowers at your door. I step back and wait….
You only have to open the door….