Don’t show me the hand

Rejection – the murderer of contentment. Self confidence – the victim. Insecurity – the life sentence (but only for me – rejection walks free).

“You aren’t good enough.” Whether said as bluntly or with a wrapping of pink fluff and gentle words or somewhere in-between, it is still rejection and I don’t know anyone who feels comfortable with that. Being rejected in whatever form or for whatever reason hurts.

Not saying I was insecure as a child but when I sent out birthday invitations I was traumatised by the fear that when the hour came for everyone to arrive, that no one would show! Utterly ridiculous I know, but even now I can feel that sense of rejection, all self inflicted, in the pit of my stomach and in fact, it still stops me doing things today. A battle I am yet to conquer.

Putting on events for me is the pits. what if people don’t want to come? What if they say no? What if they say yes and then don’t show? Would they go if it was someone else asking? Are they laughing behind my back at me even asking? OMG it’s like being in a horror story all of my own making! Logic and reason against years of insecurity, battling to the death.

It’s no good you sitting there and saying “but you are grown woman! Get a grip!” This is not something you can just slip off like a silk gown falling to the floor after a night at the theatre. This is not like having a door closed in your face and you just being able to push it back open. This is not like dropping something you don’t need into the bin and forgetting its existence. This is inbuilt trauma. This is breath catching horror. This is panic, fear, blinding paralysis and suffocation. This is an insecurity and my ego feeds on it. It devours it like a magnificent feast and is never sick after the party!

But, as you so rightly pointed out – I am a grown woman and I should not care whether people like what I do, whether they come and play and party the night away or whether they talk about me behind my back. BUT IT DOES – why? Oh that is simple – because I haven’t taken control of that just yet and need to seek out someone who can take that step back with me and then hold me there whilst I see what needs fixing. Until then? well I will continue to do what I must but with the knowledge that all those feelings are only in my head and not my reality.

When you have a fear that is ridiculous to everyone else it makes it worse knowing they are right. That doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up, berate yourself for your insecurity or inadequacy that you now feel or stop doing whatever puts that fear in control. You work through it. You find a coping mechanism. You seek support but you NEVER, EVER GIVE IN.




The Flight of the Goose

Are you that goose – that one at the front? I am and I learnt a beautiful thing this morning – that I don’t have to be – I can move along to the back and let someone else take the lead a while – my time will come again before the journey is over or the destination reached.

The freedom of just knowing that if I step back someone else will step up is unbelievably exhilarating and why I have been fighting this all this time I do not know. I am arrogant and stubborn enough to think I have to live at the front at all cost… oh how the body cries “noooooo” as does my mind. Without these working well, my soul weeps quietly in the corner.

Now when I say I have moved to the back – that does not mean in any shape or form that any other physical being is now doing my work – it simply means that I have let go. I have stopped battling against all that I have to do to make my life a success and surrendered to the fact that sometimes you just have to stop pushing for things to happen and let the universe / fate / God / destiny (whichever feels right for you) take the front seat. Trying too hard is as detrimental to you, your business and your health as doing nothing at all.

It is scary stepping into a place you haven’t been before. It is that leap of faith that we love to talk about. Imagine that moment when you have nothing beneath your feet, no safety net and only trust and faith (one on either side of you) holding your hands. Close your eyes just for a second and try and picture yourself stood, maybe on a cliff edge, and simply stepping forward. Nothing beneath you but air and sky and yet low and behold you experience the comfort and security that a concrete floor provides.

Did you get that sick feeling in the bottom of your stomach? Fabulous if that is a yes as it means you really did give yourself to nothingness.

Did you fall or did you stand tall? I hope for the latter as that is faith – faith in you and faith in something or someone else.

Did you sense, even for a second, a sense of freedom, elation, breath? Imagine that 1000 times bigger and every day.

Are you still the goose in the lead or can you take a rest and let go of control and direction and enjoy the view? (You will take your turn back up there when it’s your time I promise).

Time for me to sit at the back of this glorious formation and take the energy and direction from something far higher than myself.





The Pain Junkie

So things aren’t going so well today? What’s hurting? Head, heart, stomach, joints, limbs, chest or something or somewhere else? How often do you feel like this? Is it a long term problem, short term, just begun or have you been carrying this for as long as you can remember? What causes it? What do you do or what happens in life to make you feel this way? How long do you allow the pain to stay?

I know there will be some out there with the physical illnesses that can be seen, touched, felt but I am speaking to those experiencing the ones no-one can see as you do, the ones that begin in your head but manifest themselves elsewhere too, the ones that you cover up or only share with those very few around you that understand. I am talking to those suffering with mental health issues, depression, anxiety, PTSD.

I am no expert and I apologise if I don’t see this as you would like or as you experience it, but I have been there and I know what I felt like, I know what I experienced and that is all I can give you.

Why the heading of the pain junkie? Honestly I don’t know. As I go through my day I know I need to write and the rest just comes. This is not some thought out, drafted blog – this is as thoughts come to me and I know that when I lived each day with depression this is what I became – a Pain Junkie. Not because I wanted pain or because I needed it in my life – believe me I lived every minute wishing it would go away and leave me alone – BUT at least with the pain I felt something. That had to be better than feeling nothing at all – imagine if you can having no emotion, about anything, nothing at all.

I would be grateful each day for the headaches, the exhaustion from lack of sleep, the throbbing ache of my joints, the tightness in my chest and the erratic heartbeat. I would be grateful because that meant I was still alive and I was experiencing something of life even if not in a very positive or productive form. I wanted pain because that meant I hadn’t yet taken the last step over the cliff. It meant I, my body, my mind and my soul still had enough fight left inside to give me hope.

With time,  learning skills such as breathing, meditation for focus and finding space to let my thoughts be still and the inordinate amount of support from those who didn’t really know me at all but could see and empathise with my pain, I found my way through. Having people who didn’t know the old me, the me I used to be, somehow helped because they weren’t getting frustrated with who I had become and couldn’t tell me to “pull myself together” or “you will get back to where you were”. I didn’t want to do either of those things.

The stubborn me wanted more, the inner me knew I was so much more than I had ever been and the core of me stored all that I needed to persevere and beat this. I didn’t want who I had been, I simply wanted to be the me I was born to be, the me I could be, the bigger, better, more positive me – the happy me. Even on my darkest day I knew I was better than this. Bigger than the darkness. Stronger than the thoughts in my head. More courageous than the ones who gave up on me. So I wanted to feel that pain to remind me every single day that I could do this and could not give up.

Your pain can be your friend. It can be the one who stands by your side and gives you the strength and the courage to take another baby step forward. But, in time, friends may change, some have to change, some came with no invitation and must leave with no explanation. Acceptance of this is paramount. Pain can be your friend but pain cannot be allowed to stay. Pain in the end has to be evicted from the building it has lived in and gently moved on.

Why? Because we cannot be dependent, we cannot have a live in friend who eventually stops being a positive and turns into a festering worm making its way round your body and your mind and taking over your life completely. There is a fine line and you must be aware and you must be in control.

Be a Pain Junkie if it serves you but always be aware that when it becomes an unwelcome guest you are the one in control and must be ready to say goodbye. You can and will do this…. I have faith and I believe in you.






A Mothers Love

Today would have been the birthday of my mum and my unborn daughter, so “A Mothers Love” goes both ways – from my mum to me and from me to my daughter. If you are new to my writing I will give you a synopsis – I lost my daughter nearly 30 years ago when I was 5 months pregnant ( and then my mum 22 years ago to a brain haemorrhage when I was 9 months pregnant with my gorgeous daughter Amber.

It is an odd sense of loss as it’s also one which gets easier to manage with time. Sarah I have only recently learnt to grieve for and through that make her real in my life – I tucked her away in my memories for too long to protect my heart. Now I can share her with the other half of the miracle creator and that makes it all okay and she finally lives. My mum I didn’t grieve for, for 15 years – again I tucked the pain away to deal with another day – it’s not a coping mechanism I would recommend. When I did grieve, the rainbow shone bright and it was all manageable again.

I am very thankful that I was loved by my mum. She was always there for me. She never made plans for me or lived my life for me – she was always just there, supporting, encouraging, nurturing and sometimes rolling her eyes, but always picking me back up when I repeated some disasters time and time again! We hugged, we shouted, we fell out and we made up – all the usual mother/daughter emotions but I still wish I could have been more for her – I am aware that I got so wrapped in my life I probably didn’t give her all she deserved. I am so proud of my mum – she had great faith in her God, she gave, gave, gave to everyone who needed it, she put herself last and her children first and she was a huge advocate of the underdog. I guess I have some of her traits.

I didn’t get to be a physical mum to Sarah as I couldn’t even give her life, but that doesn’t mean I am not her mum or she my daughter – we just didn’t get to do it physically. I do miss that and it’s my biggest regret but it is how so many women live.

So today I close my eyes, picture them both and send them my love.

If you are missing someone – a mother, a daughter, a wife, a husband, a son, a friend or anyone else then my heart is yours. Remember to cherish any time you had and mourn as you feel you should. I would encourage you to keep them in your heart and not lock them away but it’s whatever is right for you. I implore you to find your grief inside and embrace it, as it can, done with care and the desire to say goodbye and let them go, bring them even closer but in a more positive and happier way. That may sound madness and it’s just my experience but something to consider maybe when the time is right.

As a mother to my daughter and a daughter to my mother – happy birthday and thank you xxx


Ice Skates and Singing

What do you love to do? What did you used to love to do but no longer do it? Amongst other questions I recently asked these of myself and I found that two things that appeared on the list were ice skating and singing. I will quickly follow that up and say I am no expert at either, in fact bordering dangerous on both might be more accurate, BUT I LOVED THEM!

So I loved them and now I don’t do them – I have a choice here – I can just remember that I loved them and remember the happy times doing both or I can do them again and see if the buzz is still there. Guess what! I’m doing them both!

I guess with creating my lists and then thinking about them, I have put it out to the universe (thoughts become actions) and as usual, she delivers. I mentioned skating to one person last night and she quickly said “I’ll come with you – I love skating”. That did put me on the back foot a little as I got the impression she may actually be able to skate which worried me! Then, this morning I was doing my usual social media hike and saw another friend post a singing session (for fun) on 10 March. Whilst in the mood and before I lose my nerve I have committed to both!

Just the commitment to getting out and doing them has fired a sense of excitement in me. I feel like a kid again and the buzz I used to get before I did a performance is back in my belly and feels absolutely brilliant. A small light has ignited inside and I can feel the burning embers creating a warmth that I’ve not had in a while. It is wonderful.

So, enough about me and going back to the original questions, “what do you love to do and what did you used to love to do but no longer do it?” Seriously, just creating the list, especially if you don’t think too hard and just allow your brain to create it unconsciously, will give you a buzz. Don’t start berating yourself as to why you don’t do them anymore, that is not the point of the exercise, this is simply to ignite the fire inside and who knows where it might lead!

Once you have your lists, are there things on there that when you read through really catch your eye? Is there one thing that makes you think “I’d love to do that again”. Yes? Then what’s stopping you?

With my skating I am much older and yes, if I fall I might do some damage, but do you know, the feeling I got just gliding across the ice at relatively high speed is still within me and that is overshadowing any fear. The same with my singing, whilst I struggle now to hold a top note after years of abuse to my body, that feeling of being in my own world, surrounded by music that grabs my heart and soul is enough. I don’t care if someone else sings better or thinks my singing is bad – it will come from my soul and I will enjoy it – that is what counts after all.

Get that list written and see what happens.

I’ll Give You a Year

You need a pen and paper for this…..

I am thankful for all I have but sometimes I wish I could just get up and go and live my dreams with no exceptions and with no fall out or consequences.  I have already asked myself this very question that I am now asking you. I would love you to really do this and then post your outcome. This is an interactive exercise after all. Communicate with me!

So – I’m going to give you all the cash you need, time off work, the ability to never fail and the freedom to choose. The only ‘catch’ to this is that you only have a year left of your life to use. Are you up for this?

I wonder, will you travel, if so where are you going and who with? Will you purchase a fast car and race against your favourite driver? Maybe you have a secret passion that you can now fulfill. Maybe you have a special someone you want to share this with (that’s doable as it’s your choice remember). Maybe you want to create something for someone else – something to make their life better. Let your imagination run riot.

You can do anything, anywhere with anyone – but you only have 365 days! Don’t take too long deciding and don’t procrastinate – he is the thief of time remember…. Me? I thought you may ask.

I took an hour or two in advance of answering and asked myself what I loved to do, then what I love but no longer do and then what I would love to do in the future and what I really don’t love right now. Once those lists were complete I was ready for my year. As you can imagine I am not sharing it in detail as this is a really personal experience but in a nutshell….

I am asking the love of my life to join me in the most magical 12 months of our lives, where we will travel the world experiencing the cultures, the people and the countries we have always dreamed of. We will laugh a huge amount of the time, we will share experiences that may make us exhilarated or excited or moved and we will laugh, cry and share our hearts over sunsets and sunrises.

I will provide for my children in both a financial and emotional way so they are ready to be better, passionate lights to themselves and those around them for the years to come.

I will allow myself freedom so say F*** It to all that has ever held me back and I will be a free spirit, at one with nature and, upholding my values and belief in myself and the world around me, I will have understood the journey I came to this world for and to have loved, laughed, shared, succeeded and learnt along the way.

Wait a minute – I’ve given us all the cash we need, time off work, the ability to never fail and the freedom to choose, but looking back at what I just wrote we can do all this now… we need nothing more than courage, imagination, passion for living and belief in ourselves and we get as much time as we want to enjoy it in – its infinite this thing called life – IF you live it.

Really try this – get writing and find out what your life could be and if you can, share it with me.







Blowing Trumpets – I write here too and you can see my website!

Are you good at what you do? Yes? Fabulous. Who do you tell? What do you mean you don’t? How do you promote who you are and what you have to offer the world? You can’t do that? Why not? Bragging? I don’t think so….

I am absolutely hopeless at standing up and saying “I am fabulous at what I do, can heal parts of you you didn’t know weren’t serving you and you would be absolutely insane if you didn’t use my business”.  But I think it and I believe it – so why can’ I say it out loud?

It is simple really, because I don’t want to stand out, I don’t want to be seen as a big head or arrogant, because I want to be accepted and not derided and I do not wish to fail or at least I do not wish to be seen to fail. Oh my, you can tell I am British can’t you! Get a grip woman – you are fabulous at what you do, you have a good business head, you have a gift that the world needs and you are genuinely a good person and your intent is always to ensure that someone feels better after an interaction with you. What’s the problem?

People are funny creatures and whilst they know what needs to be done, their ego or some other such idiotic character within themselves puts pay to whatever they try and achieve. What will people say, think, do…. does it/they really matter? If you have a passion for what you do and are good at what you do what is wrong with telling the world – think of it as a service you are providing. I provide a service of healing, caring, nurturing, supporting, empowering and all in a safe environment to enable people to explore and discover their own feelings, emotions, blockages and possibilities. How absolutely fabulous is that?

I allow people space and time to think about where they are in life, where they would like to be and then between us explore how they can make it with the ongoing support of my massage and holistic therapies. Oh my word why am I keeping so quiet? People need me. The world needs me. You need me. I need me (to be the person I was born to be).


Now get out there, pick up that trumpet and blow it hard!





The lost art of visiting our thoughts

When we take a pen and paper and open our minds and hearts to how we feel, what we are thinking, what we can see, hear and touch, or how smells and tastes affect us, we create magic.

Busy lives mean we compartmentalise our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We act on auto pilot and we can forget to express ourselves. A pen and paper invite us to do just that. Once of the oldest forms of expression we have.

An invitation: permission to express, discover how we really feel within the world of our subconscious self. The side of us we don’t always allow to hold a conversation with us. The side we are often too afraid to set free.

So, you have a pen and paper – but what to write? So often we cannot think of anything we want to say so we don’t begin or we crash out our thoughts on a keyboard, often in anger or frustration. Letters, creating words which are lacking in care, because their format is already pre-set and even. Handwriting will vary with the words, emotion, and the speed of thought to paper and become a picture of expression in itself. You may take time over how each word looks if the meaning is important to you.

Stop. Put your pen down. Take a breath. Close your eyes and take another breath and listen. To what? Listen to your thoughts. Keep your eyes closed and look into the dark recess of your head. The words are there. They may be humorous, they may be a double edged sword. They may be free and easy or hard to distinguish. They may make you laugh or cry or go to places you’ve tried to bypass for many years, but you can see them. Set them free…

Imagine being a word, a sentence, a paragraph or a whole story – wouldn’t you like to see the light of day once more and feel the air, the warm sunlight, the breeze as you move around and create shape and form on a page. Isn’t it time to release the old, musty, suffocating and stuck emotions attached to yourself. You have fear and sadness and anger wrapped around each of your letters. Set yourself free…

Find those words inside, talk to them, assure them that once you open the door and they flow from the pen that they will no longer hold emotions that make them feel overwhelmed and out of shape. No longer owned by you, they are free – no more attachment – no more past, just shape and form and colour on a page – a thing of beauty once more – no longer held back or embittered with unhealthy emotion and attachment to the past.

So, when you feel a moment where you need to express whatever is inside, visit those words in your head as you would an old friend and ask if they’d like to be set free and join with the words living in your heart. I am certain with encouragement and patience and the desire to be set free they will happily come forth and fill a page. Make their new home beautiful quality paper or a beautiful notebook – somewhere they deserve to live – and write them out with a beautiful pen and they will not only be happy to flow but will also create a work of art that is part of you. No longer angry or sad, but art created by your heart.

Read it back out loud and release them into the universe – free them from all they have meant to you – allow them to be words, just words, once more. No longer emotional baggage, no longer with a hateful sound – just words that can now move on and create new sentences and phrases – just like you – renewed, empowered and free to choose where they head next.

Why journal? It’s important to release, to let go, to create something new from an old story no longer serving you. Recycle without the emotional attachment. Let those words tell your story and then let them go – they are no longer yours – they no longer have an attachment to you, for you or to your past. They are simply beautiful words, enabling a language we should nurture and be proud to own, flowing across a page creating a picture of peace, breath and new beginnings.

Falling through the cracks

Ever had one of those days where you feel that if you open your heart a crack will appear and you will fall right through. Falling not floating like Alice in Wonderland. Falling like off a cliff or from a plane with no parachute. Today is one of those days.

So much going on, so much to cope with, so many others to be strong for, so much for so many and not enough for me. I don’t know how to even begin but this is a start. I suffer from depression, but this isn’t it. I suffer from anxiety, but this isn’t it. I suffer from overwhelm – ahhhh there you go – that is what it is.

So many things to do, things to organise, things to look after, things to follow up on and still the mundane work life balance to maintain. Talk about it! Err I can’t – who do I do that with? All the people I would normally talk to are part of the overwhelm! Park it and move on with my day! So can’t do that, I’m stuck in treacle and have no escape. Take a breath and review the scale of this! Okay that seems doable. Let’s give it a go….

Three very deep and long breaths later and do you know that helps. It’s like putting on armour – to protect me, to give me strength and give me the focus I need to get through the next few hours. I am not looking further than that. I can’t look further than that.

Tears rust armour so they aren’t allowed but damn them they want to fall. Let them go and lose control or hold them in and put on a brave face? Normally I’d always advise to let them go but these ones I am not sure will stop and I have “stuff” to deal with today so I will let them loose when I’m done with the day.

When you want to help but are told you can’t – how useless do you feel? You feel responsible to make that person better but know they don’t want your help. You have to stand and watch – that is a torture and so very difficult to bear. When you want to mend but know you don’t have the skillset – how naïve can this make you feel? When you want to gather everyone else’s problems, illnesses and  issues together and tidy them up and sort them out but don’t know where to start – what a dysfunctional person you become.

Damn this overwhelm. This is taking over every thought, every action, every second. Take a breath and review the scale of this! Okay that seems doable. Let’s give it a go…. repeat and continue until the world makes sense again. Never mind looking to tomorrow, this afternoon is long enough away in time and this overwhelm cannot seep into it. Take it by the throat and take its very breath away by breathing with yours. Breathe in courage. Breathe in strength. Breathe in knowledge that you have the power. Breathe in, breathe in, breathe in. Breathe out overwhelm until it exists no more inside you.

You can’t fix the world, accept it but you can heal yourself. That is always the place to begin. Heal. Love. Empower. Self. Only when you’ve done that do you have anything at all to offer anyone else.

I am more than I appear to be, all the world’s strength and power rests in me! That means I do what I can, control what I can (my actions and responses to life and that is all) and be the best I can.

Overwhelm – do one!

Say Something

Do you ever feel like there is something you have to say but don’t know where to begin? Do you ever get a cough or the feeling that something is stuck in your throat? Do you ever lose sleep because you know there is something that you need to address? The say something….

So often I have kept silent for fear of losing, fear of failure, fear of upset, fear of confrontation, fear of loss, fear of hurt, fear of getting it all wrong and fear of making a mistake bu saying it at all. Oh how often I have been driven away from doing or saying what is right for fear of all or some of these.

I’ve always done it – shied away from doing and saying what is right – and I wonder why I still come across the same issues and feel the same way – like Einstein said “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. This insanity, my insanity, has to stop.

What could be worse than that sleepless night, where nothing you do or think makes your head switch off and allows the night to creep in and rest you? What could be worse than breaking out in a hot sweat when you hear the voice of the person you need to talk to or see them in the street? What could be worse than the outward signs, the physical signs of stress being noticeable to the world and everyone knows but no one will ask? What could be worse than feeling trapped in your own physical body and gradually feeling paralysed and unable to think, do or say anything at all; going so far into yourself that you are no longer recognisable when you look in the mirror?

What could be worse? Very few things for me. I gave up a long standing career because I felt like that every day but every Sunday was the pits. A Sunday was the day where my worries, shortness of breath and inability to communicate with those I love began. For a while I could shake it off by Tuesday or Wednesday but when it was every day feeling the same something had to give. There was no way out other than voicing what was inside. Was it terrible? Was it all the things I had feared or did I wonder what on earth I had been so afraid of – I think you have guessed the answer. So I learnt a valuable lesson and didn’t repeat the pattern? Well no I didn’t.

I still did what I say not to do and repreated the pattern but the joy this time was a I recognised it and created change. It meant speaking up and speaking out and putting myself and my future on the line. It was a huge change, a scary change and one which could come back to haunt me but I know doing the same thing isn’t going to help so I stick with it. I opened my heart to the universe, laid myself bare and said “here I am, this is I, I’m ready”. Let’s see where this goes !