Pen and Paper – Really?

When we take a pen and paper and open our minds and hearts to how we feel, what we are thinking, what we can see, hear and touch, or how smells and tastes affect us, we create magic.

Busy lives mean we compartmentalise our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We act on auto pilot and we can forget to express ourselves. A pen and paper invite us to do just that. Once of the oldest forms of expression we have.

An invitation: permission to express, discover how we really feel within the world of our subconscious self. The side of us we don’t always allow to hold a conversation with us. The side we are often too afraid to set free.

So, you have a pen and paper – but what to write? So often we cannot think of anything we want to say so we don’t begin or we crash out our thoughts on a keyboard, often in anger or frustration. Letters, creating words which are lacking in care, because their format is already pre-set and even. Handwriting will vary with the words, emotion, and the speed of thought to paper and become a picture of expression in itself. You may take time over how each word looks if the meaning is important to you.

Stop. Put your pen down. Take a breath. Close your eyes and take another breath and listen. To what? Listen to your thoughts. Keep your eyes closed and look into the dark recess of your head. The words are there. They may be humorous, they may be a double edged sword. They may be free and easy or hard to distinguish. They may make you laugh or cry or go to places you’ve tried to bypass for many years, but you can see them. Set them free…

Imagine being a word, a sentence, a paragraph or a whole story – wouldn’t you like to see the light of day once more and feel the air, the warm sunlight, the breeze as you move around and create shape and form on a page. Isn’t it time to release the old, musty, suffocating and stuck emotions attached to yourself. You have fear and sadness and anger wrapped around each of your letters. Set yourself free…

Find those words inside, talk to them, assure them that once you open the door and they flow from the pen that they will no longer hold emotions that make them feel overwhelmed and out of shape. No longer owned by you, they are free – no more attachment – no more past, just shape and form and colour on a page – a thing of beauty once more – no longer held back or embittered with unhealthy emotion and attachment to the past.

So, when you feel a moment where you need to express whatever is inside, visit those words in your head as you would an old friend and ask if they’d like to be set free and join with the words living in your heart. I am certain with encouragement and patience and the desire to be set free they will happily come forth and fill a page. Make their new home beautiful quality paper or a beautiful notebook – somewhere they deserve to live – and write them out with a beautiful pen and they will not only be happy to flow but will also create a work of art that is part of you. No longer angry or sad, but art created by your heart.

Read it back out loud and release them into the universe – free them from all they have meant to you – allow them to be words, just words, once more. No longer emotional baggage, no longer with a hateful sound – just words that can now move on and create new sentences and phrases – just like you – renewed, empowered and free to choose where they head next.

Why journal? It’s important to release, to let go, to create something new from an old story no longer serving you. Recycle without the emotional attachment. Let those words tell your story and then let them go – they are no longer yours – they no longer have an attachment to you, for you or to your past. They are simply beautiful words, enabling a language we should nurture and be proud to own, flowing across a page creating a picture of peace, breath and new beginnings.

Advertisements

Take my hand….

Who are you?

I type into a blank screen, sharing my thoughts, my highs and my lows never knowing who is reading, who is reacting for good or for bad, who is helped and who simply closes the screen and moves on. I don’t mind and it doesn’t really matter because if I have impacted one person today then I feel tapping at this keyboard, baring my soul some days to the universe, has served my purpose and in doing that, has served you.

Whilst I talk of my feelings, my emotions, my experiences, my high and lows, my love, my anger and my frustrations, I know that somewhere out there others are experiencing exactly the same thing – I am not alone and neither are you. I listen, I watch, I hear, I feel and I touch. Those who need these gifts from me will receive them, those that do not, won’t – it is as simple as that.

I used to want to help the world – my ego said it was the best way to behave – my ego is a complete ass!

I can only help those in need. I can only help those who connect with who I am and how I experience life. I can only connect with those who want to change. I can only connect if I  keep sharing, no matter how hard and uncomfortable this sometimes is. I can only connect if I am open, honest, truthful and my authentic self. I can only connect if you see, feel, hear and are touched by my written word.

What you see with me is what you get – I may not have all the airs and graces of some, I may not have the image, the looks or the panache of others. I may not be an intellectual, I may not be a high flying business woman. I may not be the best mum in the world and I may not be the most pc. I may not be the most motivational. But…. if you need me I am enough.

So who are you?

Are you overwhelmed by life? Are you wondering how the hell you’ve arrived at where you are? Did you look at yourself in the mirror this morning and wonder where you’ve gone? Did you forget to tell your kids or your partner that you loved them today – how long is it since you said it to them… or yourself? Have you cried this week for no reason? Have you rolled your eyes at bureaucracy stopping you from doing what you need to instead of doing what you need to? Have you lost faith in all around you? Have you lost belief in yourself? Have you stopped learning? Have you stopped laughing? Are you on autopilot through most of your day? Do you live in the past or daydream constantly of what might be?

Come on… talk to me.

Share yourself with me. No one else can hear you. No one else can see you. It is just you and me – I give you space to be, space to talk, space to be silent, space to cry, space to laugh, space to grow and space to shine.

Give me a sign that you are ready for the next part of your journey. It doesn’t have to be public – you can private message me. Just trust me and know that I know where you are, how you feel and am here for you – just you.

What ya doin?

Right now, right this second what are you doing?

I wonder how many actually had to check as you are on autopilot? I wonder how many are sat playing on your phones? I wonder how many are doing something you love? I wonder how many are worrying about bills, illness, things they have to do later this week or month or year? I wonder how many are worrying about the past? You may see where I am going now….

I wonder how many are present right this second and are neither looking back or forward but just enjoying today, now, right this second. I don’t wish to be negative but I think you are in the minority.

I had a conversation today and I heard myself say how much I live in the present. Well I do, that wasn’t a lie but do I really do it all the time? No of course I don’t – I allow my past behaviours and my ego to join me and they can drag me backwards or force me to look ahead and worry that I am not going to be good enough, successful enough, financially secure and continue to press all those other buttons that set the stress levels heading to the sky. Does it worry me that I am so easily sidetracked? No not really. I am okay with acknowledging that is what I am doing, stop and then forgive myself. I am after all, human.

So often we don’t forgive ourselves and we allow our ego to keep nipping at our heels telling us “see I knew you couldn’t do it”, “I knew you were weak and lacking in discipline”, or “see it’s better this way, life is so much easier”. Tell your ego to do one and take back control.

This present, this now, this right here this second is where you live. You cannot change what has gone, what decisions and choices you made, who you interacted with or didn’t; all you can do with the past is learn from it. The future is only what you make it to be. Second guessing, make believe, day dreaming or deciding what it looks like before you even get there is absolute rubbish and a waste of this precious gift we have – time. Now. It is actually all we have and it’s short and in the blink of an eye you’ve already moved on. What you do, choose, decide, create NOW, IS YOUR FUTURE.

I have lost time with the people most precious to me – my children – because I was always fearing what lay ahead and not dealing with where I was. Always dreaming that life would be better instead of working in that moment to make sure of it. I was always playing “do you remember when…” to try and capture the happy times instead of enjoying the ones I had with me in that moment in space and time. I will not lose any more. Today is a beautiful day because that is how I choose to live it. This second, this hour, this day, this night will not go wasted because I will use every single second I am given to make my world a better place.

Selfish making my world better? No. If I don’t get my own house in order and live the life I profess others to live I’m a charlatan, a fraud, a liar, a sales pitch from one of our 21st Century Guru’s and I am not authentic. That last one to me is the biggest of all. Without authenticity I am nothing. Without authenticity I may as well give up what I do, shut up and go back to day dreaming and what if.

So what’s it to be? Past? Present? Future? Ego or Authenticity?

All you do is talk, talk, talk

So many words. So much chatter. So much noise. This world is simply too much for me sometimes and I need step away, find my personal space and live there for an hour or two. Why you ask? To regain my peace, my sanity, my joy, my perspective, my confidence and my love of humankind. All those things that get side stepped or lost in the noise.

Tell me this, talk to me about that, remind me how wonderful you are and how simple and naïve I am. Overpower me with your clever words and manipulation. Tread on my heart and take away my breath of joy by belittling me once more. Knock me down. Beat me. Give me words, words, words – those ones you think so clever and wise yet are so poisonous and mean. Tell me how great you are, tell me how lowly I am. Talk at me and not to me and make me weak with tiredness and lack of self esteem.

Tell me all this but remember one thing….. I am enough and no matter what you say, how you treat me, how you try and make me feel – I will beat you, beat this feeling because I AM ENOUGH.

How dare you question my integrity! How dare you knock me when I’m down! How dare you take my insecurities and throw them back at me as your weapon! How dare you stand above me to make me feel small! How dare you think you are better than I – we are different and there is no measurement of ‘better’ in this life. Being better in todays world is narrow minded, bitter and says you think and care for no one but yourself. This is not my world and I refuse to live in yours.

I live in the world I talk about. I live and breathe my words. I care. I love. I inspire others. I give. I live not exist. I have joy. I have positivity. I have peace and tranquility. I have a light inside me that I shine for everyone to take some warmth from. I am a beginner in some things and an expert in others and I will ask to understand and I will speak to share what I know. I am brave, I am courageous, I am smart, I am a healer and I am me. Nothing more. I am all I can be and if that is not enough then feel free to walk on by until you find what you seek.

Talk, talk talk and act only when it suits you. When your ego needs caressing, when your ego is feeling sad and small. Talk and fool those around you if you like, but me? I see through you. I see your heart. I know you. I see what you are really made of. I just wish you’d show the rest of the world, all of the time, what I see in brief moments of reality.

I am more than I appear to be. All the world’s strength and power rests inside me. This holds true within you too if only you would put your ego on hold….

 

Just a vessel…..

I saw a lovely quote today about what a therapist does and it got me thinking…. what do I actually do to earn a living?

I’m nothing more than a vessel….

That doesn’t sound very productive, satisfying or fruitful when you put it like that does it. God do I actually do anything or am I a fraud, just someone pretending they can heal and serve people?

It’s an uncomfortable place I am sitting in even contemplating this. Why uncomfortable? Because the only proof I have that I do anything is the person I am working with. They feel better yes but have I done anything or is this just the placebo effect? Does it really matter which it is? So many thoughts and questions and bundles of self doubt….

Many questions, many self doubts, many answers that could be given.

So lets contemplate what I actually do? Physically I massage and relax. Emotionally I empower someone to face and release. Energetically I shift, I slow down, I speed up. Mentally I create breath. Spiritually I allow peace to settle in. Okay so that sounds like I’m dong something right?

Let’s think about this. Someone comes to me, they are a businessman or woman;  they are someone struggling with bereavement; they are mentally exhausted; they are stressed, overworked or overwhelmed. They are trying to be many things to many people. There is noise in their heads and they can no longer hear anything or anyone never mind think straight or find peace. They know that change is required for them to be a better person, feel better, be present, love, laugh, live. They don’t know what to do to find that because the noise is too loud to even concentrate. They call me…

I invite them to my treatment room, my quiet space and we talk. Nothing more. We need to see if there is a connection. They have to feel comfortable with me and I have to know they are ready.

Only then can the magic begin and we begin their journey with a massage. This is not your sports massage or your deep tissue – this is pressure, weight, a slow and firm and flowing pressure; this is creating a space in their heads, not for them to think but for them to breathe; allowing energy from the universe to travel through me to them and vice versa. Making a safe space for them to open emotional boxes they have kept locked; say something, everything or nothing. That is the joy this isn’t about me or what I want them to do, this is about me creating a space for them to do; learn to do; try to do whatever they need to reach the point they need to be at.

After that we may do sessions where we walk and talk, we may try some reiki, we may stick to massage or we may just catch up once a week on skype to check in and talk through anything that has cropped up during the week. We keep in touch. We build a relationship. We communicate. We do whatever is required.

Oh! I am a vessel. Not a hollow, useless one but a safe, quiet, gentle, loving vessel that someone who needs to change can utilise to find themselves, to heal themselves, to be themselves; to be.

Wow I love my job. No! I don’t have a job – I have a passion, a calling, a purpose.

 

 

 

 

 

The Blink of an Eye or Forever?

How long does it take someone to let go? For some it can take a lifetime and for some in the blink of an eye.   Firstly let’s see if you are asking this of someone else or yourself. Are you living with someone, working with someone, loving someone who is in need of letting go? If you are, let me make it clear that you should never put a timeframe on their transformation as it is none of your business – this is their personal journey. All you can do is be there and walk alongside them.  Also realise that you should never try to put a timeframe on your own journey…. you will always feel a failure as it will always feel it is taking too long.

We live in a world of instant gratification and yet some things simply take a while and you have to let them take all the time they need. Acceptance of this is key to letting the process evolve. Acceptance that at some point they or you will find a time and place where it’s that moment and all you can do is simply surrender to all you are holding in and it flows from you, either in tears, thoughts, anger, or simply a breath that seems to go on forever. It will be as though your body can contain it no more and it has to come out. It would be like trying to hold back a dam with your hands – impossible.

If you know there is work to be done then you are already taking huge steps to change, grow, transform. That recognition alone is a long way down your experience so acknowledge that and give yourself a well done pat on the back. If you feel you are making progress then be grateful for how far you have come. Never look back unless it is to see how far you have already progressed – sometimes it’s good to take a glance over your shoulder as it is easy to forget how many battles you have won and how many changes, even small ones, you have already made.

If I look over my shoulder I can’t even see the me I was and unless someone shows me a photo or brings up something from the past I have no recollection of the person I was then – not even six years ago, in fact maybe not even three and hell anything farther back and I simply don’t exist. It is like someone has given me a new body, a new headspace and a new pair of eyes to see my world with. I do see me from my early 20’s as that is where I was at my happiest and most comfortable and most free. The she then is the me now with some additions and I love her.

It is possible to change. It is possible to become a new person or simply regain the person inside that you loved being the most. Whatever you think or say and believe, you can achieve. You have to believe that to even begin to move, to transform, to grow, to be. You have to recognise there is magic inside each and every one of us that allows us to not just reinvent who we are but regrow a new you from the inside out – but there is the key – it has to come from the inside and it has to come from inside you which is why no matter how much nagging, imploring, cajoling others do – it has to be time and you have to feel the desire from the very core of your soul. A ‘nice to have’ is not enough. This has to burn inside you so brightly that you cannot help but begin to shine and shine you will.

You may hear a piece of music, read a book, watch a film, see a photograph. You may be inspired by another’s achievements, you may simply reach rock bottom and have no choice but move. There are many triggers and they will be different for everyone. For me there was a simply resignation that I could call it a day or change and the former was not an option, I had to be there for my kids but I had to be a better version – I had to be more – I was more – I knew it and I stepped through that door called fear and found another space on the other side that was really very beautiful and I stayed a while….

I still have moments of release and letting go of things I hold onto inside and I accept that to be the best I can be I have to change, I have to let go, I have to learn and I have to make some tough decisions sometimes. But, I have always found that through those doors of choice there is always another room full of possibilities – all I have to do is choose which one I go with next. If you hand is on the door handle, turn it. If you are stood by the door reach out. If you are in the middle of the room, when you get the urge take one step…. it’s all it takes and when you feel that something growing inside and needing to get out, don’t be afraid – find your courage and let it go….. I wish you well on your journey.

 

 

 

 

 

….but giving life

If yesterday was the beginning of letting go, today was the release. Deep rooted, gut wrenching, sorrow filled sobbing. I guess letting go means that you have to empty all that you are, all that you have inside  and only then can you have truly released all.

It began with a massage yesterday and I felt from the very core of me, deep inside my womb the stirring of a memory. It was astonishingly realistic and I guess that’s because to my physical and mental being, my daughter was real. She may have lived for only a short time and then became a memory but my body remembered her.

It ended with a massage. As with yesterday, when deeply relaxed and in another world the stirring began and I knew this was it… she wanted to go home and yet I wanted to hold her hand a little while more. That voice inside told me it was time and with a wrenching deep inside, just like giving birth to her, she was free. It was the most surreal experience, so real and yet just an emotional energy being released from the first home she knew.

The tears began and even though I stifled them, I held them in, I breathed to keep myself calm, they were out; she was free and I had to let her go. With her went my love, my heart, my soul and I asked the universe to keep her safe. Sobbing like a child, I had to just let the tears roll uncontrollably down my cheeks until the breathing settled, a calm was felt and my baby was gone.

She’s gone home but always here, just around me rather than kept inside. I was keeping her from moving on and in turn keeping myself in the same state. I had to take the responsibility of being a mummy and let her go, just as you do when they take their first steps, start school or find a love of their own. Letting go so they can fulfil their own destiny.

I thought I’d feel lost and empty and sad but I actually feel calm, peaceful and silent. A foundation for a feeling I thought wouldn’t come. Life from death. It can take a moment or forever but you have to choose it, you have to release whatever your hurt is and you have to say thank you for all you’ve gained from that moment in time; for me, five months where it was just she and I. My Sarah.

Not giving birth…

I’m speaking mainly to ladies but maybe the men will hear the words if not the emotions. I’m a woman so I don’t know the experience of a man during a pregnancy. 

Giving birth to a little person is the biggest, most overwhelming, emotional experience I have ever had. It’s huge. Its beautiful. It’s painful. It’s an emotional roller coaster from the first moment of morning sickness to the actual holding of this new little life, this miracle that you’ve created. 

When you begin with the morning sickness but never get to the delivery stage it’s like all the emotions your body should be feeling can’t be completed and they get locked inside. Never to leave you. Never to be let loose into the universe. You grieve. 

You grieve for the loss of a baby, the new life you should be holding not mourning. You grieve for the loss of something in your relationship. You grieve for the part of you that is now locked up. If you have the support you can let this grief do its thing then let it go. This may take a minute or it may take a lifetime but you can and will let go. 

It doesn’t just go all at once and you may have to live with some things for many years but some thing at some time will tell you it’s time… today was my day. 

Today that little voice inside “it’s okay to let me go mama” and this writing is my means, my voice, my emotional release. The words from my heart to paper keep the feelings alive, keep Sarah alive, but not inside me anymore. Now they and she are free and back in the universe where they always belonged.

Watching the horizon

“I’ve been staring at the edge of the water as long as I can remember, never really knowing why. I wish I could be the perfect daughter but I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try. Every turn I take, every trail I track, every path I make, every road leads back to the place I know, where I cannot go. Where I long to be… See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me and no one knows, how far it goes. If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me. One day I’ll know. If I go there’s just no telling how far I’ll go.” How Far I’ll Go

If you have young children, or like me you love children’s films, you will know this song is from Moana, the story of a young girl born with expectations from her family, her village and her past and yet somewhere deep inside she knows there is more beyond what she can see. She looks to the horizon and sees opportunity, possibility and a dream that she knows she must follow…. no matter what the consequences. Do you ever feel that way? I know I do.

I often look out and see so much more – not a desire to have more but a need to see more, do more, experience more, be more. It is a desire so strong in my gut that it can hurt sometimes. I can feel it right deep inside. A place that screams out for the courage to step out, step away and walk towards that horizon. Ignoring it can be exhausting and stifling, like the very breath inside of me is being stolen. We waste so much time accepting what we have because it is comfortable, or safe, or easy but as you get older there is a part of you that begins to desire more. Time is short. Time is devoured by everything we do, every day and if we don’t take control of it we can find suddenly its too late. That is not happening for me any more.

I am standing on the shoreline and I can see that horizon, golden with the morning sunlight and I am ready to set sail on a new adventure. The initial journey began a few months ago but now the desire is so strong it is palpable and I have to set sail. This is going to be upsetting, uncomfortable and sad because it is time to say goodbye and I am useless at this. There will be tears and heartache but fighting this is not an option anymore. Change. It is a process none of us generally choose purely because of the emotional upset it brings but we also know that change is the only thing that stands between what is and what can be.

Tools are needed. Tools to assist with mindset, personal growth, courage and strength but they are available to everyone if you are prepared to try them. It just takes a desire, discipline and making time in your day to do them every day – no not hours, just one a day can be enough – more is good but not always possible – an hour can be found, if the desire is strong enough, in anyone’s day.

Passion is crucial. If you aren’t passionate about where you want to go and what you want to do there it will never happen. That burning desire, that fire in your belly that will not be dampened down no matter how many nay sayers there are in your life and in your way. That butterfly that seems to be doing warp speed inside you every time you dream of what can be and, if you are dreaming of what can be, it simply can.

Courage. Letting go, instigating change, creating a new life, reaching and achieving your dream all take courage. There will be times when you doubt your decision but courage, mixed with a whole lot of self belief, will see you through those times and if you think you might waiver, find someone who shares your dreams and will keep you going on the days where you have treacle stuck to your shoes. Someone who will slip those sticky shoes off and tell you that you are capable of running this barefoot!

I dare you to dream. I dare you to stand on the waters edge and take a look at that horizon and tell me what you see. If it is more than what you have or who you are where you are now stood, is today the day you decide to step into the water? I’m in up to my knees and there is no telling how far I’ll go but if I stay here too long my feet will sink into the sand and I will become nothing more than who I am… and for me that is not enough.

 

 

 

 

A song to be sung

“To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten it”.

What beautiful words that have captured my thoughts today. I feel that sometimes I have to be in peoples lives to sing their song and its the biggest honour I could be given. I am blessed to have people in my life who trust me and that alone is something we should all be grateful for – to have someone or to be someone where trust is earned, built and maintained. Without it you have nothing.

When I was deep in my depression; stuck, walking in treacle, when every movement and every thought took a huge effort, I forgot how to sing. I mean this literally as well as figuratively. I used to love to sing – it was my expression of exactly how I felt and during this time, particularly on my worst days I could no longer see, feel or hear music. Emotionless. Barren. Uncaring. Silent. Silence being the worst as then there is you and your own thoughts and that is a very unpleasant place to be when you already hate all you are and all you pertain to be.

I forgot how to sing and yet someone, my beautiful Jane, took me by the hand and sang back to me the soul she saw. Even now I get goosebumps when I see myself, the me I had lost, reflected back in her eyes. She saw inside and knew I was more than I said or thought I was and she began to hum the tune that was in time with the rhythm of my soul. I neither wanted to or could join in but she didn’t care and she kept on humming. In time as she saw a flicker in me, she added words. Those words were the very essence of my own song long since forgotten….. love, care, courage, harshness (yes that is needed too to face reality), kindness, confidence and most of all trust. Eventually I heard myself hum along and that was it I was on the road to be a singer once more. She sang alongside until we both needed to sing for others but for the song and the singer I am eternally grateful.

If you feel you can no longer hear the tune you used to sing along to; maybe because you have lost someone, have an illness that has become larger than yourself, are lost and afraid of who you have become or indeed who you have lost along the way, or just need to move from where you are, listen to those around you and see if they are singing it instead. You may find you don’t want to listen, you may not be ready to listen but note who is singing as they will still be there when you are ready. They are holding space for you and it will always be for you, no matter how long you need to take. Maybe no one around you is able to sing your song and you have to search a little wider – you may come across them in the oddest and most unexpected places but if you are looking they will know and you will find each other.

I have known it be the case that you don’t even know that you are humming a tune for someone, so if people appear in your life but you don’t really understand why, trust. Trust that you are meant to be there for them and do not mistrust them or the instinct in your heart to hum or give words (more commonly know as hope). Go with it as you may just be the singer they need. Be honoured – its a gift and blessing that you don’t own – you have earned it somehow and they deserve to learn to sing once more.