I wake each morning and I am grateful. This is my way of waking and saying f**k you depression, you cannot have me today.
I give. I heal. I touch. I love. I am happy.
And yet…. my life is not perfect. I hurt. I cry. I miss my loved ones. I yell out loud to be touched. I beg for affection. I desire perfection. I want to be happy. I want someone to tell me for a change that my world is going to be okay. I want someone to lift my chin and wipe away my tears. I want someone to just text me and say “are you okay I worry about you”. I want my kids with me and not feel second best or a failure. I want people to notice I hurt too and then offer to pick me up, brush me down and get me walking again.
Why? Because I am that statistic. I am that one in four. I battle with depression. I have a black dog and he barks too damn loud some days.
Label me. Talk behind my back. Avoid me. Pity me. Don’t believe me because “she always has a smile and time for people – she can’t be that bad”. Or…. maybe read my words, feel what I feel, try and understand the dark and lonely days, know Christmas is hell, as are the days where life went wrong and haunt me year in year out.
Know that a kind word, a smile, a hug are like magic and send through me a warmth like a fire being lit inside. You don’t have to try to and nor can you ever hope to fix me. Just walk by my side, acknowledge the dark days and celebrate the good ones. Hold my hand, ask me questions, light up my world and give me hope that tomorrow is another day and I will be there too. Help me, allow me, to lower my guard and open my heart as well as my mouth.
Remember that I wake every morning and I am grateful. This is my way of saying f**k you depression, you cannot have me today.
I write not for your pity. I write because this is how I express myself. If it makes you uncomfortable I thank god, as it means you have a heart filled with compassion for another human being. I am truly blessed as I am loved and I have purpose so my world is a good one and I can silence my friend, the black dog. But… many they cannot quiet him because they don’t know how. Many suffer in silence because they cannot find the words. Many take their lives because it is the only way to take away the pain. Hear them, see them, listen to them. They need you too.
My black dog was barking this morning but a walk, a hard conversation with myself, the chatter in my head told to shut up and me knowing I have people who love me, he was silenced for another day.
Maybe you have the dog that barks… you get this… know I am here for you.