What is time? We hear ourselves say all the while that we don’t have enough or it’s running short or we’ve wasted it but what is it?
Lineal time is what we live by. That clock, that watch, the routines, the structure of our work day, the tick tick tick of the hands we constantly watch, eating away at our lives second by second.
I lived by the clock for so many years and became totally dependent on it for what I was doing and where I was. At no point did I think I could stop and take as long over something as it required my attention. Never did I realise I was living by the clock, and living by the clock for others and never myself.
When I was younger and hadn’t chosen to live by the clock I danced and sewed and painted. Never did I once say I’d do this for ten minutes or an hour, I gave it whatever time I felt it needed, I needed. How soon we forget that experience. I lived then by my internal clock, the one that healed me, made me who I was and the one that had no relevance to what the clock on the wall or the external world told me to work by. I didn’t give it up for anyone out of choice, I had a husband and a family and a job and naturally felt they all needed me, so divided my time up (and therefore me) accordingly. I didn’t once think about finding time for me to make sure that at some point I pulled all the sections of me that I had chosen to divide up, back to one, to be one. I never realised that by not including myself and thinking I was being something to all, I was actually being nothing to anyone.
I lost the ability to hear my internal clock and I lost the ability to self heal, love myself, be the person inside and I stepped out of myself and dictated what and who and where and when by the hands tick, tick, ticking on the watch attached to my wrist. My heart began to beat to this new time.
Only on reaching rock bottom did I realise I had to take the watch from around my wrist and throw it away. Never have I put it back on and never have I lived by it beyond the extent I felt in control of it. It can be done. I found time again and I made new time. Time to heal, time to live, time to laugh, time to love, time to protect, time to grow, time for my family and my friends and time to do whatever I felt I’d like to do, and no longer what I thought I should do. I live within a world of lineal time but I’m alive by being in my internal time.
When you hear yourself say “I don’t have time” or you wonder where the day has gone when all you’ve done is run around for everyone else or you get to the end of the week and lie exhausted on the sofa – ask yourself why you didn’t find time for yourself. An hour or two a week – are you not worth it? You may find giving yourself an hour gives your loved ones a much happier, livelier, fun version of the person who stretches themselves beyond reach. Hmm, I wonder which they’d choose?
Finding time is about being present and that takes no time at all.