Sat in silence with a feeling of loss wrapping itself around me like a cloak. Gentle, comforting and yet a little uncomfortable.
I’m comfortable with alone so is this loneliness?
Far away in a place that has the loudest silence you are faced with yourself and that in itself is satisfyingly uncomfortable. Tears on your cheek whilst you consider your oneness with the grass you sit upon.
Crickets chirruping. The wings of butterflies suddenly loud in the silence. The breeze blowing dried out stems of sunflowers.
Being alone is sometimes the best place to be. To reflect. To contemplate. To feel not only what’s inside but what the outside is feeling like to you. To listen. To breathe… in silence.
Being lonely is different. This seems to leave a void that this beautiful stillness cannot fill. This is harsh not gentle. This is colder somehow. This is not comfortable and I do not like how it feels.
Breathe. Just breathe. Let go. It’s just fear. It’s insecurity. It’s lack of faith. It’s a fear that you aren’t good enough. It’s ego. It’s past running up behind you yet you are the one in control of whether it joins you as you sit looking out on silence or whether you choose to change direction.
A crack behind me, a crunch, as though a deer in the trees is stamping its foot to let me know it’s here and I am in it’s space. I wish it would step into the light away from the darkened edges of the woods but maybe that is what I need to do. Step away from the dark and into the light again.
Choices. We all have them. To stay in the dark and feel cold and lost and lonely or to step into the sunlight just beyond where we sit and enjoy the warmth and the comforting sound of life around us. Even alone this has to be better than choosing to stay when you know you have to go.