Sorry for being sorry

I have spent much of my adult life apologising. Apologising for who I am, what I’ve said, where I’ve been, what I’ve done and who I’ve done it with or for. How many years does it take to change those words into something more positive? For some a short time, some an eternity and some just never quite achieve it.

What a wonderfully different mindset you can achieve just by thinking about that “I’m sorry” differently and with that thought in mind I would like to share with you a quotation I saw today….

“”Lately I’ve been replacing ‘I’m sorry’ with ‘thank you’s’, like instead of ‘sorry I’m late’ I’ll say ‘thanks for waiting for me’, or instead of ‘sorry for being such a mess’ I’ll say ‘ thank you for loving me and caring about me unconditionally’ and its not only shifted the way I think and feel about myself but also improved my relationships with others who now get to receive my gratitude instead of my negativity (quote from Vijara)

Isn’t this beautiful? I had no idea, until a colleague pointed it out to me some years ago  (thank you Rachael), that I apologised for being me so very often and with that I realised how negative I had become – I was so fixated on desperately wanting to fit in and not upset anyone, my ego found this a great solution – I certainly kept me in my own place as well as irritating those who had to listen to me insipidly apologising, even before I said what I had to say!

Now, whilst I have worked on it over the last five years I know that even now I say it. Today this quotation pulled me up short and I will no longer apologise for who I am, how I live my life, what I think or how I choose to spend my time. This is my life and I am a strong, courageous, loving woman who doesn’t need to excuse herself. I know my own mind, have my own thoughts, do everything with the best intent and with love so why would I ever apologise for being me?

Mrs Ego is a funny thing, I’ve learnt a great deal about her over the last couple of years and whilst she is a permanent house guest I keep her under house arrest as much as possible and do not let her have any form of freedom or escape. If I do I become down on myself, negative, shy, inward looking; I bow my head and allow others to rule my life, rule me. I would very much love to provide her with a hug and an eviction notice but maybe I am not yet far enough along my personal development to be able to do that just yet. What about you?

Where do you sit with self confidence and positivity? Do you find it easy to just say what is inside and not be afraid to stand your ground? Do you apologise for having your own ideas and thoughts and then air them, even when someone else disagrees with you? Are you the one who is a crowd pleaser? Are you the peace keeper but never courageous enough to tell others to sort it out and walk away? Do you apologise on another’s behalf? Do you have a partner or friend who you continually apologise for because of their behaviour instead of speaking with them and allowing them to see their mistakes and deal with them?

I can say this because I lived it. I can say this because it is who I was and I’m ashamed of myself but instead of apologising for who I was I embrace who I have become and say thank you to all those who have taught me and continue to teach me. I listen, I learn and I grow.







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