Forgive Me

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”… An expression we know well either from our own faith or from scenes within a tv programme but why do we feel compelled to ask others to figure us when we so rarely forgive ourselves?

How many times have you beaten yourself mentally, physically or verbally because of something you have felt, said or acted upon that you deemed to be ‘sinful’? Who in fact decides what is and isn’t sin? A holy book? A god we cannot see? A community? A government? Our family? Our history? A combination of who we are, right and wrong and what is instilled in us through the media, life or experience? Who knows and I’m neither stating fact or judging, just curious. Do we in fact label actions as sins to make sure we chastise rather than love, beat instead of hold, build guilt rather than self esteem?

I digress. In my lifetime I have done much, or thought things or behaved in a way I have deemed myself sinful, uncaring, unlovable and should therefore be punished with not succeeding, being financially bereft, unable to love myself and in turn deemed myself  unable to be loved by others and generally having nowhere to go that I am worthy of. I have thought and acted in this way and what has it brought me? Hardship, sadness, loneliness and brick walls, obstacles instead of happiness and mistrust in myself and others. What happens if you decide to forgive?

It is only very recently I decided I could do this after a healing session I took part in. During the session  I was asked point blank if I could forgive those around me who I believed hurt me and I heard a voice say yes. I was asked if I could forgive myself and again I heard a voice say yes. I heard the question, I heard my answer but I wasn’t sure what this meant or if by some magic it had all taken place? To be honest I’m still not entirely sure what or how it manifested in me but, I know in my heart I have done exactly that and have feelings and positivity and peace that I haven’t experienced before so why question, why doubt? 

In my past I made choices, I made decisions, I took action and I did what I felt was right at the time. This were never done with malice or violence or ill thoughts so why be so down on myself for making the wrong choices, because that is all they were. I began with forgiving those who have hurt me. I took responsibility for my part and forgave them for theirs. Some were harder than others but why hold them in bad light for choices they too made. They have to live with their consequences as I have lived with mine. The joy is being able to change how you see or feel about them. After forgiving them I turned the mirror on myself. I thought this was going to be easy and it would mean just denying I was responsible but this was far from the truth. Facing demons was tough and as they were all self made, only I could release them and therefore release me.

If you take away the guilt, if you take away the burden you place on yourself, if you take away the pain, you are left with a silence, a sense of peace, a light within. It’s very beautiful. With this you can light up a whole world by shining brightly and leading the way for anyone else who feels they are ready to do the same. This is no evangelical mission, this is love. This is being kind, generous, loving, at peace with yourself and your world and showing others how to do the same. It begins with the words…. forgive me? Yes I do….

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