And she was home…

An ending and a beginning. I reached this in my ‘Rediscovered Life’ blog and I feel like I am here again. Much has been happening lately and I feel that this is a turning point, or rather the need to change is here again.

I will try and put my experience this last few weeks into words…

I was taken poorly and had time to sit and begin to evaluate where I was in life, in business, inside. Unbeknown to me, I had just begun a short but beautiful journey into my final leg home, a place I have been searching for, for quite some time now. I breathed in and I looked inward and that is all it took to begin. Now I’m home life is for living to its fullest, to its best, for the rest of time. There is no going back as there is no back to go to. 

Energy, as I’ve mentioned before, is what we are and once I looked inward, realised what my energy looked like and needed I could begin. I took advice, medical and spiritual. I took healing from those I trusted. I spoke up when I needed help. I asked questions I needed answers to and therein was the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle. I knew I needed closure on things in my long and distant past. I had fretted, wondered and decided the truth but I had never asked those who could actually provide it before. Once asked, once answered, the last jigsaw piece clunked into place and there I was. Renewed. Revitalised. At peace. Excited for life. 

This was physically exhausting so then came taking care of me. I had to choose the person who I connected with, who my higher self spoke to so easily. With them came a moment in time where I saw things I cannot describe on here as I’m not sure you would believe me but I heard a simple, single statement (spoken by many voices) and it said “she’s here”. Yes I am. 

I am here. I am free. I am at peace. I am enough. I am home. 

So where now? Wherever I want to go. Whomever I want to share it with. Life is mine and I plan to sieze every moment and make it count. It’s for my children, for my loved ones, for those who choose me and I them as friends. It’s no longer about me, it’s about living life and living it well.

To you I wish you peace. I wish you dreams that come true. I wish you courage to change; to choose what makes you happy; moments that catch your breath and make your world beautiful and I wish you all you wish for yourself. I give you my heart, my blessings, my love. 

The Shift

­čÄÂIf we are strong enough to let it go…. If I look back to the start I see everything new…. We wait too long and now we have to go…. I don’t know why we break so hard­čÄÂ. I was about to write something else but these words are playing behind me so let’s begin here as its as good a place as any.

I have discovered that when you are prepared to face the past and “let it go” / put closure on unfinished business, it creates a sublime shift in your energy and is most refreshing as it clears your vision and feels like laying a new path that you can step onto with confidence and clarity in knowledge and vision. It’s a huge confidence boost to know what you are doing is the right thing for you and, even though there are going to be some awkward and painful decisions, you can make them in the knowledge that it is right and all involved are going to be okay and safe.

What on earth is she going on about today? Isn’t this all a bit airy fairy and hippie speak? No. This is facing reality, putting closure on beliefs and decisions made in the past to allow you to move onto the future with a new level of energy and fire. I spoke recently of forgiving yourself and this is all part of the same shift.

We are all created by and from energy. The art of making love and creating another human being is energy at its best and no matter what, we are all created the same way and all share this commonality. We are energy and energy can get tired, stuck, out of kilter or sluggish and we need to decide how to deal with it when this arises.┬áI wonder if you even notice your own energy? I wonder if you put it down to feeling rough or poorly or out of sorts – this is your energy my friends – listen to it carefully.

I have a past, as we all do, and have found situations and decisions I made long ago still impact into my life. Unknowingly, unwittingly I was holding on, unable to let go, needing to find an ending. I found it. Unknowingly, unwittingly I needed to go full circle and find things that didn’t quite complete themselves before because of decisions I made. I found them. In finding them and in an instant, the world, my world, had an energy shift and moved me on.

I feel like I have been picked up in a tornado and all of the emotions, memories and feelings have been stripped clean, realigned and handed back to me and I have been planted gently back in the arms of Mother Earth but in a place I haven’t been before or at very least, one I haven’t been aware of. I must say I like it here. I feel free, refreshed, courageous and ready for the next opportunity laid before me.

To let go is divine. To give yourself closure is huge. To experience a shift in your behaviour, lifestyle, mental processes or physicality you must be willing to let go and believe all will be okay. I wonder is you are aware of your own energy. I wonder if you are ready for change. I know you will experience something pretty powerful if you let go of what you keep holding you back, even just a little….. let it go!

Forgive Me

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”… An expression we know well either from our own faith or from scenes within a tv programme but why do we feel compelled to ask others to figure us when we so rarely forgive ourselves?

How many times have you beaten yourself mentally, physically or verbally because of something you have felt, said or acted upon that you deemed to be ‘sinful’? Who in fact decides what is and isn’t sin? A holy book? A god we cannot see? A community? A government? Our family? Our history? A combination of who we are, right and wrong and what is instilled in us through the media, life or experience? Who knows and I’m neither stating fact or judging, just curious. Do we in fact label actions as sins to make sure we chastise rather than love, beat instead of hold, build guilt rather than self esteem?

I digress. In my lifetime I have done much, or thought things or behaved in a way I have deemed myself sinful, uncaring, unlovable and should therefore be punished with not succeeding, being financially bereft, unable to love myself and in turn deemed myself  unable to be loved by others and generally having nowhere to go that I am worthy of. I have thought and acted in this way and what has it brought me? Hardship, sadness, loneliness and brick walls, obstacles instead of happiness and mistrust in myself and others. What happens if you decide to forgive?

It is only very recently I decided I could do this after a healing session I took part in. During the session  I was asked point blank if I could forgive those around me who I believed hurt me and I heard a voice say yes. I was asked if I could forgive myself and again I heard a voice say yes. I heard the question, I heard my answer but I wasn’t sure what this meant or if by some magic it had all taken place? To be honest I’m still not entirely sure what or how it manifested in me but, I know in my heart I have done exactly that and have feelings and positivity and peace that I haven’t experienced before so why question, why doubt? 

In my past I made choices, I made decisions, I took action and I did what I felt was right at the time. This were never done with malice or violence or ill thoughts so why be so down on myself for making the wrong choices, because that is all they were. I began with forgiving those who have hurt me. I took responsibility for my part and forgave them for theirs. Some were harder than others but why hold them in bad light for choices they too made. They have to live with their consequences as I have lived with mine. The joy is being able to change how you see or feel about them. After forgiving them I turned the mirror on myself. I thought this was going to be easy and it would mean just denying I was responsible but this was far from the truth. Facing demons was tough and as they were all self made, only I could release them and therefore release me.

If you take away the guilt, if you take away the burden you place on yourself, if you take away the pain, you are left with a silence, a sense of peace, a light within. It’s very beautiful. With this you can light up a whole world by shining brightly and leading the way for anyone else who feels they are ready to do the same. This is no evangelical mission, this is love. This is being kind, generous, loving, at peace with yourself and your world and showing others how to do the same. It begins with the words…. forgive me? Yes I do….

For ladies´╗┐ of a certain age

Ladies this is specifically directed at you (although gentlemen you are welcome to stay as you may learn something about the woman in your life…) as today I became a woman again and I want to share it with you.

Are you struggling with what to wear these days and careful to not go too short, too young or too old? Have you forgotten how to wear makeup or perhaps you are still wearing it as you did in 1984? Has your body changed beyond recognition and you no longer know what shape, size or colour to wear to feel good? Have you forgotten what it feels like to be a woman and not a mum, wife, partner, girlfriend, cook, cleaner or lover? If you said yes to any of these then know there is hope.

Over the last six years I have had to learn how to do all of this and thought I was doing okay but one bout of being seriously poorly and having an op, not being able to do much, feeling like my body was no longer mine, my skin tired and dry and I was looking and more importantly feeling very old, well my full 52 years anyway. This had to stop but how?

Gentlemen if you are still reading please look away or at least don’t blush… 

The answer was given to me with the opportunity to undertake a photo shoot. Not just any shoot but a burlesque session. If you don’t know what this is I suggest you get onto Google. I was greeted with champagne which was a fabulous calmer of the nerves that were already rushing round my system. Sitting in front of a lit mirror having my sultry makeup done, false lashes attached and drop dead lippy applied, I was beginning to wonder what the hell I thought this was going to achieve as I was beginning to see a nervous rash appear on my neck. Was I mad?

And then this was it, I was in a room wearing less than I had worn with a perfect stranger in a while! Lights, camera, action! That moment I thought I would freeze but I suddenly felt totally empowered, comfortable in my own skin with a smile on my face and I heard myself laughing. Within minutes I was posing like a super model (move over Christie Brinkly), strutting my stuff and having just the best time. For two hours I posed, changed outfits, posed again, pouted, smiled, found my inner sultry and genuinely had the best time.

Why am I sharing this? Because I went to have my photo taken but came away having found my inner woman and right now, at this time of my life, I needed this. I had forgotten what made me feel good about myself; how to feel confident; how to be comfortable with publicly celebrating every curve, wobbly bit, lump, bump, scar and blemish that makes me me! I am all woman. I am strong. I am confident. I am empowered to be who I was born to be. I feel liberated. I feel comfortable with who I am. I am an amazing mix of goddess, child, empath, woman, mum, daughter, sister and I am so proud of what I did today . 

I allowed myself to be scared and I was secure. I allowed myself to be uncomfortable and I survived. I allowed myself to trust a perfect stranger and I was safe. That, I think you will understand, is huge to a middle aged woman. If you know that somewhere deep inside there is someone you once were, or who you’d love to be, then are you ready to let her out? Life is moving too fast to leave this to a time when you are comfortable with you as you never will be until you push yourself. Now is your time.

Life from a death sentence?

Today I watched a show that talked to people who had been told they were dying. No not depressing at all! It left me with a question in my head though. Why do most people wait to be given a timeframe like this before they actually begin to live?

Each of these marvellously courageous human beings took their time left as a positive and decided to live every minute of what time they had left and they were truly inspirational. They took the news as devastating as it was, by the balls (no, no apologies for that reference) and said f**k you (and no, no apologies as that’s a direct quote). They were not going to allow these diseases, these creeping, invasive creatures to take away their  lives, happiness or desire to achieve.

If we all had the date we were to leave this earth would we live differently?

These people looked at their loved ones with new eyes. They noticed their beauty, their hands, their eyes, their laughter and they really saw the world around them and smelt the air, heard birdsong louder than ever before and touched every moment and person not as if it was the last time but as if it were the first. 

For some of us this really would be the first time we saw and experienced our world because we go round with our senses closed off to everything we interact with. On your drive to work when was the last time you noticed what is beyond the grey tarmac, how many trees do you go past, what sounds do you hear outside of the traffic, what smells rising above the fumes? When you are having dinner with your family do you sit at the table and talk through your days, your emotions, your dreams or do you sit watching the tv, interacting with others on your mobile, do you even share mealtimes? 

We waste so much living by doing instead of being.

If you had six months from now, how would you spend it I wonder? I’m not giving you super powers or extra cash, you have your current way of life and six months, that’s it. What are you going to change if anything? Who will you become? What will you do differently each day? 

When will you realise what life and living really means? Time suddenly becomes so very precious when you know how much you have. 

Your scars are your blessing

Some of you may know that I have been in for an emergency op and have now been left with three small scars. Now whilst these are on my stomach and this part of my body is not something I get out very often, I love my scars and I am very proud to have them. They are blemishes yes and not exactly pretty but I love them. How can we possibly love something as ugly as a scar, a wound, a reminder that we have been broken at some point.

Broken. There it is. That word we use about so many things in ourselves and other people. People not perfect, whether in shape or size or mental acuity, whether in lifestyle or habits or beliefs. People not perfect in our own eyes are broken. What do we do in this modern society these days with things that are broken? We bin them, cast them aside, throw them away and get a newer version! You cannot do that with people, although many wish they could. We cannot do that with our bodies even though we think sometimes we should.

My scars are small but each time I look at them I see a time where I was arrogant enough to think I could beat stress. A time where I thought I was invincible. A time where I didn’t need advice and I didn’t need to look after me as well as people said I did. A time when my ego shouted louder than me and said I was better than anyone else and didn’t need to take care. They remind me, quite simply, that I am human. I am not perfect and I need to love myself more so I am around to love those who need the love I have to give.

Human. Frail? Weak? Imperfect? No. No. No. No. To be human is a gift. To be human, with all our imperfections is in itself to be perfect. To be human is to admit our frailties, show our scars, our memories of times we were reminded we are human. To be human is the most amazing things you can be. We all belong to humankind and yet we need to be reminded to be kind to humans and not forgetting to be kind to ourselves.

My scars, the physical and the mental are beautiful and I love them because they show me I am alive. Whether your imperfections are from childbirth, an accident, birth defects or self inflicted injuries, they show the world who we are and we are very much stronger for them. When you look at your scars, your imperfections, your visible signs that you beat something, overcame something, made a choice to be more, be better, create, repair, live life to its fullest, be proud.

Gratitude 

If you haven’t come across Timber Hawkeye and The Buddhist Boot Camp may I make a recommendation and suggest you give him some of your precious time. His book is common sense, thought provoking, all wrapped in gratitude. 

What is gratitude? According to Timber it is something that “has a way of turning what we have into enough”.

How often we yearn for more, seek, more, desire better than that which we have. A better job, more money, bigger house…. More, more, more. What about what we already have? When are we going to understand that what we have is simply enough and that ‘more’ doesn’t always mean happier, more fulfilled, richer, kinder, at peace? We can spend a lifetime wishing we had something else, something different, something someone else seemingly has but what about if we stopped for a second and we’re just grateful for what we have. Would this change how you feel about it?

How much do you need, how many things do you have to surround yourself with, what is it you seek before you say ‘I have enough’? How much will you own, what emotions will you experience, how many years will you have to lose before you say ‘I am enough’? For some it can take life changing moments but why wait for these? Why not stop this month, this week, today and look at what you have and be grateful. 

Look at your partner. They may not be perfect but be grateful for all you have experienced together and what you now have. Different is not always bad. Look at your children, family, friends and see how much joy they bring. Look at your home, your job, your lifestyle. Whilst they can always be improved you have these whilst others do not and they bring you stability. Look at yourself. You may be older, you may be a different shape or size or weight. You may not be all you’d hoped to be. Forgive yourself for not being your version of perfection and love who you are. Be grateful that you can love. 

Gratitude. It’s has amazing healing properties. You don’t need a doctor. You don’t need a religion. You don’t need to be in a certain income band or career. You don’t need to be famous. You simply need to look at what you already have and say thank you. Try it and you may find it transforms what you have into enough. 

Getting back into your own body

Do you ever have moments when you know you are in the room but you actually don’t feel present at all?┬áIt can feel a┬ábit like drowning in your own noise and you simply can’t focus enough to rescue yourself. I’ve been experiencing this since I had my recent operation. I had no idea how much ‘damage’ an anaesthetic can do and how much your body is damaged whilst also being healed from a medical perspective.

I knew I was tired, I knew I was washed out and I knew I needed to rest but even after all of this I didn’t feel right. Someone even said “you are physically here but not with me”. It was as though I couldn’t quite focus or that I was sat on the outside watching my own life but unable to join in. I couldn’t shake it and after showing in tests that I was still really dehydrated and also┬á with blocked lymph glands I decided to take action.

Reflexology was the first key. For a woman with the worlds most ticklish feet this is, in itself, a feat of tolerance from me and patience from my reflexologist. If you haven’t tried it can I suggest you do. At least once put any reservations or scepticism on one side and give yourself up to the therapist as they will find things in your body that you knew were a problem but couldn’t really put your finger on it.

Healing. Kinesiology. Muscle testing. EFT. Cranial therapy. For all those who just rolled your eyes and said “hippie nonsense” I will ask if you’ve ever tried them. For those who have never heard of them I implore you to look them up and if you are comfortable enough speak to a therapist (recommendation rather than just googling for┬áanyone) and for those who use it and get it, I’m also a massive advocate of these because, for me, they work.

I have had a day of self care and repair. I have loved me. I have made myself the priority because I have come to learn that I am no use to anyone if I don’t. I now feel like myself again. I feel strong, confident, courageous,┬áfull up and living in my own body. Most of all I am present in my life, on the right day, at the right time and ready to live again.

It doesn’t have to be as a result of medical intervention,┬áit could just be life’s stresses, trials and tribulations that we all experience. When they get out of hand or aren’t addressed they can become stronger, more empowered and throw you off balance and take you out of your own life and sit you on the sideline. Maybe you recognise yourself in this and need support. I’m no miracle worker but I know what can work if you open your mind and heart and give something other than or in addition to, prescription drugs. Just ask…..

 

This is the life we are here for ´╗┐

We have one life, we have today, so what are we doing wasting it? We have dreams, we have ambition, we have emotions. We love, we laugh, we desire, we have opportunities. So why are we not living? Because there is always tomorrow.

No my dear friends there is not. We make mistakes, we learn, we grow in and from our past. We live for tomorrow, for our dreams to come true, for the love of our life to realise we stand before them, for that winning lottery ticket to come up. What about today? What is today for ? 

Today is the sum total of your life.

If you want something then you better do something about it today. If you dream of a better you, a better life, a better tomorrow then today is all you have to make a start. If you tell yourself you don’t have time, you are aren’t quite ready, you have to perfect this before you can do……you will lose today, the sun will set and you will have lost the chance to know what it all feels like.

No more excuses. No more procrastinating. No more lying to yourself than you aren’t quite good enough yet. You are all you need to be. You are ready.

Whatever your dreams, whatever you want to be, do and experience, tell the universe. She will laugh as she already knows it’s there, it’s just you can’t see it. She knows it’s already yours, it’s just you haven’t felt it yet. She knows….. You have today to know too.

Talking with animals and friendships

I absolutely love this time of year as the farmer brings the ‘teenage’ calves to the field next to the house. It takes me a while but going out each day, keeping still and talking gently they learn to trust me. Eventually they come down to the fence when I go out just to have their heads scrubbed and we ‘chat’. 

Oh how easy it is with animals to gain their trust and yet as human with human it seems so very hard sometimes. Why can’t we trust easily? Why do we first mistrust? What makes us so wary of another human that we assume the worst in them and they have to prove their goodness! 

These cows will be here for a few months and I hate the day I see the farmers trailer come for them as we build a relationship and even though we are a different species and in no way share common ground, we share trust, affection and communication. I find this hard with some of my own.

We mistrust because we fear them or fear ourselves? We take our time and move round each other carefully to see how the other reacts to us. We are guarded to avoid them seeing what? Are we afraid to let them see who we are or are we afraid we will see something in ourselves? 

As children we make friends easily. With animals we gain trust easily. As adults we fear another. This just isn’t right. I wonder if we spend so much time being someone we aren’t that we worry that people will see the person we really are. Is this so wrong? I love meeting people I can just be me with. Kindred spirits so to speak. I spent a long time playing pretend but once I found me, I found communication and trust and being trusted was so much easier. Why had I made life so hard previously?

People say I trust too eaily and should be more guarded. Why? I live my life by gut instinct and believing that everyone is honest. If they let me down or lie, they don’t get chance to do it twice, it’s as simple as that. I’d rather believe people are good (as most really are) than mistrust everyone and miss out on some beautiful friendships. 

Take time, talk gently, be open, be honest, be you. They will come. They may be the best relationships you ever experience. Like the cows, you may begin by living in different worlds but common ground and friendship comes from the most unusual places sometimes. Have fun with it…..