I didn’t speak for so long. I don’t mean I was mute of course or a hermit. I didn’t speak, I didn’t verbalise what I held inside, I didn’t choose to express myself because I didn’t have the confidence in myself that the words were worth listening to. Now?
Now is so very different and I know that to keep words inside is a very destructive and indeed self destructive thing to do. Words need expressing otherwise all that goes with them, the emotions, feelings, life, death, future, possibility, healing, love, pain, passion or truth, get stuck in a place inside and decay. As the words die and decay, so do you.
By speaking I thought I would lose but realistically because I didn’t speak I lost everything, especially myself and I was hurting. Words saved me to a certain respect. Words were my medication. Words were the healing force. Words were my peace. I needed to express why I was hurting, why I was dying inside and when I did the world outside opened up and gave me colour and safety and love.
I wonder how often you use the expression “I had to bite my tongue”. I wonder how many times you’ve been dying to say something but stopped yourself because you thought it was inappropriate or would be taken the ‘wrong way’. Is this possible if your intent is good, said with love and to help the other person/people understand how you feel? What was it that stopped you expressing what was inside? Fear? Fear of being misunderstood, fear of letting go, fear of the impact or the outcome if the truth was out there?
You will NEVER know someone’s thoughts or reaction to truth and if you are wanting or needing to say something it is your truth and needs to be said. If you keep a secret, and let’s be honest, that is what an unspoken thought is, you are living a lie, you are living in your own lie and that cannot be a good thing surely? Speak. Verbalise. Open your mouth and let the words escape, let your truth out. How refreshing, how liberating, what freedom to be open, to be honest, true and expressive.
What’s to lose? If yourintent is true and your words chosen and thought through (not said in anger or to hurt) all you have to lose is the secret life you live. I told a secret once and let the words out that I had needed to express for so many years and it gave me a peace I cannot describe but it gave me so much more; friendship, growth, love, new opportunities and laughter. What’s not to like about speaking words….
In the world I lived I was sad and very lonely. This new world of truth, of honesty or enjoying words, speech, thought, conversation, expression is something I can’t give up. It’s where I belong.