Have you ever saved a life?

As a therapist my first aid skills are crucial for my clients, myself and my insurance. If, heaven forbid, a client took a turn for the worse whilst with me I need to know how to save them. This got me thinking and as usual an appropriate song came up on my Spotify. Synchronicity at its best.

Save Myself by Ed Sheeran. Wow was he living my life or just writing as if I’d dictated the words. 

I have spent, an inordinate amount of time trying to save the world, the people I love, friends, acquaintances, perfect strangers. I didn’t always ask if they wanted saving, I just felt it my calling to (how very arrogant and rude). After years of giving my all, mind, body and spirit to them, it dawned on me that the person I forgot to save, was me. The person I forgot to forgive, was me. The person I forgot to love, was me. 

When I needed them were they there? No. When I needed picking up did they stretch out a hand? No. When I fell apart did they gather the pieces and work with me to put them back together? No. Am I judging them? No, never. They didn’t do any of this because I used those immortal words ‘yes I’m fine, thank you’. What a perfect idiot. 

The people I allowed in to make me see myself were perfect strangers because I didn’t have to hold onto the pretence. They were people I could begin with on day one as me, the vulnerable, hurting, crumbling me. I could begin again without judgement. Knowing what I know now I could have done that with all the others who really did care but I chose to continue with the facade I had created so long ago. 

I’m not harping back on the past with sadness or self destruction, it made me the strong, independent, fiercely passionate and loving woman I am today. Gratitude. I am painting a picture of who I was and who many of you who read these ramblings are. I want you to recognise, I want you to reflect, I want you to see that it’s possible to move forward to a place you want to be. I want you to feel the warmth of the sunshine on your face, have the urge to dance in the street when you think no one is watching, laugh, cry to let go, forgive yourself and ultimately love yourself. 

It’s taken a long time to realise I cannot heal everyone. I can only heal the ones who are ready, the ones hurting so much, courageous enough to say ‘yes please I need you’. I can only heal the ones ready to love themself and become the awesome wonder they were born to be. I can only hold the space and I do. 

If you call me, I will come. If you hold out your hand, I will take it. If you want to talk, I will listen. If you are ready to move on, I will walk by your side. If you are ready to love yourself, wow that’s amazing. I’m no saviour, I’m simply a therapist with a skill to heal and a passion for what I do. Blessed, grateful and here….just ask. 

Save Myself
­čÄÂSo before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself. And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself. And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.­čÄÂ

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Standing naked´╗┐

I stand here in front of the mirror, as naked as the day I was born. What do I see?

I see a woman. I see a lit match; pale skin and fiery red hair. I see a face and body older than I’d like. I see a rounder body than I used to have. I see the signs of gravity and childbirth. I see a beautiful woman. I see confidence. I see determination and courage. I see tattoos telling a story, my story. I see scars that tell a few too. I see laughter lines. I see a heart that loves unconditionally to those who deserve it. I see me. For the first time in my life I see me. 

Even standing in front of the mirror fully clothed for some is a chore, a sense of deplorability, a big no no. Standing naked can be beyond possibility. Naked for some is a step too far. I do understand as that was once me. A quick glance was all I used to give myself because I didn’t like what I saw and I didn’t want to be reminded of who I had become. Who I had allowed me, others and time to make me. 

We, British in particular, seem to have a real fear of naked but of what are we afraid?  Is it visual? Is it that it makes us vulnerable? Is it a fear of rejection? Is it dirty? Is it sinful? Or is it much deeper than that and naked gives us an awareness of exactly who we are and we can’t cope with that? We can cover naked, we can avoid naked, we can skim over and see the bits we need or want to. Is naked a step too far for you I wonder or are you willing to strut your stuff and find the positives in what stares back at you. 

I say find the positives as that is seemingly the hardest thing. The easiest is to see the bits you hate and make excuses for them. To see the positives takes insight into you. It means being honest, open, true and it means stripping off, stripping back and being brutal. I am not suggesting you do this with anyone else present. I am not suggesting you do it in public. I am suggesting you try it and see what it feels like to stand and just look. 

To find you, to see you, to be you and all you can be I think, in this day and age with peer pressure, media pressure, lifestyle choice and career chasing we lose ourselves. It’s time to find you and then learn to love you. Only then can you be you. What better human being to be than the naked newborn who has potential to do, see, be anything they choose. It’s never too late to look in the mirror. 

My last thought…. I love my naked self, physically and spiritually and I’ve finally accepted it’s the only human being I can be. I hope you at some point take the opportunity to love your naked self too. 

Dare to be different?

How brave are you? Would you be willing to step away from everyone’s expectations and do things they way you want to do them? This question is business and personal.

Who are you surrounding yourself with? Who are your peers? Your mentors? your inspiration? Do you genuinely believe you fit into the life you lead or are you the proverbial square peg in the round hole but┬áexpectation dictates that you remain? Whose expectation is it that you stay? A genuine one or one you think people are holding? Does it come from others or what you think others think? Do you ever stop and stand still and ask yourself – am I happy or is this right for me?

“OMG she’s up on her soap box again”. No, really┬áI’m not, but I have had time to sit and watch rather than take part in life this week and I have seen many fabulous things going on but also some things that have made me doubt peoples love for where they are and the authenticity in what they are saying and doing (I include myself in this). Are we so embroiled in marketing ourselves, our businesses, our lives, that┬áwe forget who we actually are or is it just easier, less complicated to follow the crowd?

For those who just stopped reading I wish you well as you know my words just hit a nerve but you aren’t ready to hear them;┬áto those who have stayed either you just like reading or you are ready to listen and do. Whichever group you are in…. I continue in my ramblings, thoughts to deeds, words to mind.

“Change! You must be out of your mind!”

Yes! You have to be out of your mind to be able to create. You have to be out of your mind to learn. You have to be out of your mind to feel. You have to be out of your mind to believe. Stepping out of your mind and into your heart you will find courage. Stepping out of your mind and into your heart you will find self expression. Stepping out of your mind and into your heart you will find love, for yourself and therefore your fellow man. Stepping out of your mind and into your heart you will find peace. Then and only then are you able to step off the path that others walk upon and find your own.

If you┬ácan do┬áthis, how on earth do you move from there? One step at a time…..

I cannot answer this for you as its your choice, your journey, your needs and dreams and desires. Whatever path you are on is your passion and purely yours. You will infect others with your enthusiasm and excitement and they may ask to join you but again its your choice to say yes or no. Are they right, do they fit, is it a shared passion or are they just feeders who eat away at your energy and fire, leaving you drained and exhausted. Are they a positive influence/personality or is their energy negative and debilitating? A lot of questions? Yes of course! I never said stepping off the path was easy or quiet now did I?

But first things first…… can you possibly look at your world, your life, you and be honest? Then do it and stop this stone rolling downhill gathering all you don’t need right now. Hit the pause button to see if you really are ready┬áto be different. In being different you become you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The metaphorical suitcase´╗┐

I thought after going through all that I have over the last five years that I was in a good place and comfortable with who I am and what I have. I have discovered I have itchy feet, thoughts of change, new choices and a desire to live. I have to stop convincing myself this place I sit is good because of how far I’ve come. It’s time to leave that all behind and begin again from where I am now and let her go. I’ve lived long enough in the shadow of who I was and need to be who I am.

I wasn’t on my death bed this last week but it has scared me, made me realise just how short life is and made me take stock of who I am and what I want from what I have left. It’s also made me question what I am prepared to do to achieve change. 

I once packed a suitcase and walked into a new life; different circumstances this time as I have choice and happiness with me but I am at a point where I think its time to do it all again. I’m not certain if that’s a real bag or a metaphorical one but I guess if I listen to the inner me I actually do know, it’s just scarey to admit it and change is scarey isn’t it?

No more over thinking. No more fretting. No more planning. Time for living.
So, as I always do, I ask you if it’s time in your life to gather what you need (not necessarily what you want) and put it in your suitcase ready to step into your next place? Are you at a point where the procrastination must stop and the doing start? Yes put plans in place but at some point you have to just do and see what happens or you may find yourself in ‘this life’s going okay’ place and never realise you haven’t moved and time is gone.  

The metaphorical suitcase is a happy case, filled with joy, opportunity, knowledge, love, life, laughter and a large smattering of that magic of self belief. I’m ready to pick it up. Are you packed and ready for when your time comes?

Living not watching life´╗┐

Isn’t it funny how time to just sit and be gets your head whirring in a way it’s not done in a while. A feeling of cleaning out the cobwebs or shaking the duvet when you put on new bed linen and there’s no creases. Clarity.

I’ve had no choice but to allow my body to heal. I’ve had no choice but to rest, sleep, think. I’ve had no choice but what an abundance of choices I have found in the silence of my own life. I am coming to realise that what’s ahead is all I want it to be, all I achieve is mine and all I will be is simply a series of choices I make right here, right now.

I thought, because of the chaos I had been living in for years, that where I was was gentle and peaceful and I was happy with it all. I have come to realise this is not the case at all. I am still in a state of flux and I am not sat in that big comfy sofa at all, I am actually sat on the edge, itching to do more, do new, gather what worked for me and add new thoughts, ways of working, assertiveness and make my life what I want it to really be. Some may say I’ve found and reignited my mojo.

This involves big decisions, big changes, walking away from some things and beginning some new. Will people approve? Will people be surprised? Will others judge who I am and what I’m doing? Do you know, it doesn’t matter. To be me, to do what I am supposed to do and be happy whilst I’m doing it with the people who mean most to me is actually all that counts. Living life, not watching it.

What about you? When was the last time you actually took a peek at where you are? Are you really happy with what you are doing or do you need to shake it / yourself up a little? Is it time to reassess and just check? Might be worth a look! You may be more than surprised, you may be reenergised and ready to grow again. 

The mind is willing…

The mind is willing to be creative, think, process, talk, do. Sadly the body she says no. 

After an emergency operation to free me of a perforated appendix I’m now home, sprawled carefully on the sofa surrounded by all I need. The body is not up to muster. 

Oh how we take our health for granted. Walking to the kitchen, the bathroom, lying in bed in comfort. Oh how to be able to just stand up and go make lunch or drive the car to the shop or pick up my boy from school. What things we do automatically but never appreciate the ability to do. 

When my mind was unable to process that seemed easy as I simply didn’t want to do anything at all.  When my body is unable I get frustrated. So, how do we achieve this mind body balance to ensure we create a place for ourselves where we are satisfied, able, enthusiastic, at peace in ourselves?

The answer will of course be different for everyone but the fact we find this balance is absolutely critical. I ask others to think of their health but don’t always practice what I preach because sometimes I don’t notice my own whilst I support others, sometimes it’s too hard and sometimes life gets in the way. 

Being wired up and heading for theatre is a wake up call from your body. This is your body saying you may finally have your head straight but why the hell did you forget about me!!!! Why am I not a priority?

You cannot survive in peace without a healthy mind. You cannot keep going without a healthy body. You must have faith in you and all your dreams so the healthy spirit too is a must. Balance. Not perfection. Just balance. 

Sat with nothing to do

I was with my beautiful girl but not feeling right. Being the student nurse that she is she made me call 111 and get to the walk in centre. Within hours I was admitted and minus my appendix. Oops!

Trouble is now I’ve nothing to do except rely on social media and watch and listen. Well social media isn’t all that exciting when it’s all you have I’ve discovered. Watching three other ladies sitting, hmm not sure that is interesting either.

Listening…. now that’s exciting because I can use my imagination. I can paint pictures of who I can hear in the corridors, the other wards and visitors that come and go. I can give them all faces and lives and personalities. I can decide why they are in and when they are going home. It’s good to create as the realities for some are awful. 

The number going home to no one but a carer who pops in. The number who can’t have a shower at home for no other reason than she only gets 30 minutes with her carer and that’s not enough time…. the number who are unable to lead the lives they want or even get comfy in bed at night. 

I may be minus my appendix but I have people who care, who love me, who make me laugh. I don’t have to rely on a stranger to do those intimate things like wash me, take me to the toilet, feed me. I am privileged and an independent, fortunate woman who is thankful for doctors and nurses who’ve taken care of me so beautifully. 

How fragile is life

Another beautiful soul passed this weekend and it reminds me how fragile life is here on earth. 

She was like a delicate bird, fluttering but her very core made of steel, grit and determination to beat whatever was thrown at her, and believe me that was lots. Outwardly she was small, no petite, she was as fragile to look at as though made of paper but she had a strength that most of us will never have. Determination not to be beaten, belief she would beat all illnesses given and a courage beyond anything I have seen to live life to its very best. There was no telling this beauty that she couldn’t….

These people that pass through our lives are here to teach us and we have the choice to learn from them. When I think I will give up, I say no that’s too easy. When I think I am feeling unwell, I will remind myself of the hundred of thousands living with debilitating diseases. When I am tired and on my last legs I will find a will of steel to continue. When I think my life is tough I will find another way to tackle it. Live and learn or let life take over. Choice.

I have few words today so I ask you to consider your life and what you are doing with it. It’s short, it’s a gift and time will run away if you don’t take control. Then life is gone. Don’t live today as if it’s your last, just live it.

Namaste beautiful lady and thank you for blessing so many people’s lives with your gifts of peace and quiet determination.

How precious, time

How beautiful is time. We have so much of it and yet there comes a time when it seems so short and we still have so much more to do, to experience, to achieve. We want more, more time to laugh, see, love, hold, do, gain. How precious time and yet so many waste what they have.

“There’s no present like the time”. One film that produces many beautiful quotations is the Second Best Marigold Hotel. I could quote from this many times over but this one today resonates well. 

When we are born we are given a gift and that gift is time. If we spend our lives chasing dreams instead of realising and living in them, we are wasting it. If we live on what if and maybe, we are never utilising time to its best. If we are always wishing for more, we never enjoy what we have. Time is a gift. Why waste it? Don’t waste it.

If, like many, you feel life is now passing you by so you won’t try, I stamp my feet and shout at you “if not now, when?” When will you see that today is the best day to begin and so what if you never see the fruits of your labour or don’t quite achieve perfection, you will have been fulfilled in getting life to where it can be handed to anothers heart and memory. 

“Planting trees under which you may never sit.” Another fabulous quote from the same film and it says all that we should be. All that we should aim for. All that we should do. Who cares that you haven’t quite finished what you started because you began it so late? Who minds that you didn’t create an empire? Who will belittle your memory with “if only they’d left more” and to be honest what does it matter if they did. 

Life if for living and whether you have today, next year, ten years or more, live each day as fully as possible and don’t get to the last day and wish you’d been more.
Time is a gift and there really is no present like the time.

The width of an eyelash

“Sometimes it seems to me that the difference between what we want and what we fear is the width of an eyelash.” (Quote from The Second Best Marigold Hotel)

What do you fear most in this world? Mine is losing all that I love by loving too much and failing at what I try so not trying. Two seemingly ridiculous concepts in the cold light of day but can put fear into me deep in the night to stop me sleeping. What if I love someone so much it makes them leave me? What if what I try fails and I don’t achieve my goals? 

If what you want is so precious that you fear it’s loss, believe me that object, that person, that dream is exactly what you should have in your life. That fear is what shows you how much you want it and that fear makes sure you achieve it or guard it with your life. That width of an eyelash is what makes you feel alive!

Fear is seen as a negative and of course it can be, but fear, fear of being caught, fear of being a failure, fear of loss, in fact any kind of fear can also be a blessing. Feeling fear is feeling something and that, in my book, is better than feeling nothing. Feeling fear indicates the ability to take risk, to stand at the edge of possibility and take a step forward and to believe that what you’re doing or at very least, attempting to do, is what keeps you alive. 

We all know the wrong type of fear can paralyse you. Being in a relationship that is abusive, being in a vehicle with someone’s who has been drinking or has taken drugs, or putting yourself or someone else in danger by doing what you are doing. That is not the fear to which I refer. The positive type of fear is that knot in your stomach, the butterflies, that shall I shan’t I feeling, the what if fear, these are ‘I’m alive’ fears. These are the I have choices and yes they may go wrong fears. These are the if I don’t do this, try this, say this fears that will leave you with regret.

I have no intention of experiencing regret…..