I sit and meditate every morning. It’s my time to focus, to breathe and to take stock of how I feel, what I have neglected, who I have been and am and all that is good in my life to be thankful for. Out of this comes my blog. I rarely think about it, it just comes and I don’t read it back so I’m not always certain what I have posted. It’s my inner me talking and what I have to say is always for me to digest but also for others. It is interesting that people read the same words but take different things from them.
Today a little piece of me is missing. I woke that way. It’s like a little hole has appeared and I cannot fill it. I know why it’s there and I know what will fill it and make me complete but I’m also realistic and know that I have to live with the fact that sometimes it’s there and sometimes it is not. I have to trust myself to know myself and accept me for who I am and how I feel in times of emptiness as well as completeness.
Change is upon me. I have decisions to make, new things to be part of, some things to let go and experiences to have that are still beyond my vision but I know they are hovering just on the edge of my existence. I could (and have) worried about these changes but accept that they are coming and all I can do is make the most of every opportunity and see where they take me. I have to trust myself to not waste each one that comes and also to be able to recognise change as a positive.
I woke two nights ago shouting in my sleep as I was trying to escape a bear running into my path. He was running like a man and up to the point he ran across the road and ahead of me I had no reason to fear him. At no point did he, when I look back, indicate danger and yet I shouted “nooooo”. I have to trust that harm will not come to me unless I put myself in its path.
Today I woke in the midst of a photographic shoot. Black and white. The pictures being taken were physical but actually when I looked at the finished shots, it was an emotional view that was visible. They were raw, stunning, loving, passionate, bare soul, naked emotions with a sense of timeless stillness in them. I have to trust how I feel and know that if I am open and true to myself and others then my emotional state is as the photographs.
I sometimes have no idea what is happening in my life as it travels at a speed I cannot keep up with, but I have learnt to trust that it always goes forward, is always for the best and is always as it is meant to be. Whether it’s what I originally set out for it to be is a different story but it is always what I need. I’ve learnt that patience really is a virtue and we get more from waiting for what is right. I’ve learnt that we have a place where we are meant to be and only we can choose to live there or not. I’ve learnt that my heart is always to be open and giving unconditionally, even if it’s hurts sometimes. I’ve learnt to trust others and I’ve learnt to trust me.