The price you pay

Authenticity my most precious of values. At what price does it come?

To be true it’s going to cost you everything you have, everything you know, every ounce of your emotional being. It’s going to cost you all you have. Who is prepared to pay the ultimate price?

Me.

To be true, real, my original self with no frills, no covers, lay naked to the world I have to give all of who I am, every day to every person. That is a huge task for a woman who spent years and years being someone different for each person she interacted with. Massively complicated and difficult when you have spent weaving a different version of you each day or with each new relationship made to protect, save and keep you inside for fear of being hurt or ridiculed or rejected.

Authenticity has come at a cost and I wouldn’t change a thing. Yes I have had people leave my life because they preferred the version of me they were originally presented with and for some I shine too bright, for others they simply no longer understand me and others I had to kiss goodbye to as they no longer allowed me to breathe. That is all absolutely fine as we have to join with those we meet and understand and empathise with within our lives. We cannot always keep holding onto the ones we feel safest with just because they are prepared to accept the person they see even though they secretly think us different or “oh it is just the way they are”….

I don’t mind because I would rather be my real, true, authentic self with a close circle of people than living a lie in the room of a thousand.

To be authentic you have to know, understand and accept who you are and this is not always easy. Its not necessarily because you don’t like who you see, you have to, its more the fact that you have to be prepared to lose in order to gain. The biggest challenge for me to date is my heart. I wear it on my sleeve and I say things as they are but I know that sometimes this is too much for some or maybe its just they are in a different place or cannot reciprocate their emotions. That is not for me to worry about or control or question. I have to just be who I am and speak what I feel and accept the consequences of what follows. That is really tough sometimes and in situations of the heart terrifies me as I don’t want to lose what I have.

Loving, caring for, cherishing someone is huge and complicated and easy and safe and dangerous and wonderful and sad. Being open with how you feel and who you are is all of those and more. Its an easy way to get crushed. Its easy to be a target for someone else’s manipulation if they are that way inclined and its a place many of us avoid for fear of being hurt.

Authenticity makes you vulnerable and yet recognising my authentic self has made me the strongest I have ever been. It has aided my personal growth. It has protected me from others and myself and whilst it creates a naivety, a vulnerability and a simpler version of me, it has never yet let me down. Trust. I trust myself. I trust my feelings. I trust the people I have around me to not step on me and crush me. I trust that I am on the right path and I trust that whatever tomorrow brings its right for me.

I would be insane to become anything less than authentic, less than who I am and less than who I can be. Utterly insane. So to anyone living a lie, painting over the cracks, not able to say what is in their heart to those around them or are simply exhausted by the negative energy their so called friends give off, maybe its time to strip back, lay yourself bare and see what your authentic self has in store for you. Its the most amazing journey if you are ready for it.

 

 

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