Get back fear

Saw a lovely quote recently “get back fear, loves in charge here”. It made me think about how much we give in to what we can’t see, can’t control, can’t change instead of trusting that what is right for us will happen anyway and focussing on the positives of what we can impact or influence, and then enjoying the ride.

Life has an absolutely fabulous way of giving us what we need rather than what we desire. What we desire is not always good for us on so many levels and we must trust that where we are, what we are doing and who we are with are just where it’s all meant to be. Make the most of what you have right now because it’s what you need.

That’s not saying that everything is a bed of roses and you are happy or ecstatic about life. In fact it may be upsetting, frustrating or just plain hard work but, learn from it all and take whatever good points from it you can. Sometimes I know it’s not always possible and only afterwards can you see how it made you a better person but maybe when you realise and accept that there is learning from every situation, you can start looking for it whilst you are in it instead of accepting the bad.

I honestly believe that when we find love in everything that happens in our lives it becomes much easier to cope with, accept and move on to a better place. Love has a way of healing everything we experience. I’m not just talking romance here, this love on a whole different level. This is finding the good in everything, trusting, honesty, taking responsibility and accepting that you are in control of what you do, say and feel. You are responsible for choosing love in your life and can control how much you have, how you feel and who you allow in.

Fear of life only brings about darkness, negativity, anger and frustration. Who wants that? I don’t believe anyone does and if you are thinking this is where you live now, what will it take to turn it round? Don’t tell me money, a change in job, a new home or partner because the only thing that it needs is a change in how you think about it all and then act on it. You are the only one who can change what you have right now. Others can help and support you, but not until your mindset changes.

No it’s not easy but then nothing is that is worth having. Love. That may sound a very 60’s thought but it’s absolutely true. If you have love for yourself then what you want to have and to give to those around you it will be. Love is the catalyst to happiness and inner peace. With those you can conquer everything and achieve all. 

Not sure? Try it today. For one whole day find something to love about all you do and see how different the day feels at the end of it.


Oh god it’s monday

How many of you I wonder woke with that ‘oh god it’s Monday’ thought this morning, absolutely stressed out by the fact that you’ve had a lovely weekend and now you have to face all the things you dislike? I wonder how many are willing to take a leap of faith to change it? Note I say willing and not willing and able. We are all able if we make choices and sacrifices but you have to be willing to let go.

I worked for many years with people (including me) moaning about the job they did, the management, the stress and pressure put upon them, the rubbish pay, the lack of promotion possibilities. Some of this was true and some an excuse to make it feel worse and them hard done by because that is how they wanted to feel. They said they wanted more, to be happy, to live their dream but for some you just knew that actually moaning about their lot was their pleasure, how they thought they should behave because heaven forbid you should actually enjoy this life!

Think about it…. How much of your groaning and whining that it’s Monday and you have to go to work, a job you despise, because you are bored, unchallenged, put upon, left with no prospects etc is actually what you think and how much is what your ego is saying to keep you down. Seriously is it that bad? If it is then you need to make that leap of faith and change life because no one deserves to feel that every Monday…..

If, on the other hand, when you look really carefully, is it that bad? Does it give you all you need to ensure that you keep your head above water, the holidays and have fun without worry at the weekends? Then why are you making it out to be so bad? You are allowed to love what you do even if it’s not your dream job. Don’t allow those around you into thinking with a mindset that is negative because your ego will jump onto this and bring you down. You are better than that.

So, whether an ego fighter or leaper of faith you have choice and you can make the best of the next five days at work so that at least you have some pleasure from the time where you spend most of your life. I was a leaper. I went from a good salary to self employed with no guarantee that I could pay the bills and yes I worried a while but that gave me the strength and impetus to get off my backside and make my business a success and I would never, ever look back. My leap of faith worked and I am happier now than I have been in years and wouldn’t change it. 

It’s not for everyone and if you feel you can’t leap even though you would love to, you have to find a way to make today the beginning of the best week ever.

Pennies from heaven

Yesterday I wrote something down in the form of an explanation to someone. I was trying to put my thoughts onto paper but when I read it back I had a ta da moment and in that split second had answers to many things that have happened in the past or more accurately why I have been who I have. It was mind blowing, scarey and stunningly beautiful all at once.

Have you ever experienced one of those moments when the penny drops and your world opens up to a much bigger place simply because you allowed the thoughts you had inside to come out?

Have you ever written something down to explain it to someone and you suddenly find it brings a whole new explanation to yourself too?

Has your life ever suddenly opened itself up and shown itself to be something far bigger than you ever imagined?

These are like pennies from heaven, clanking on the floor making you see what has been there all the time. When the penny drops say thank you because you have just seen what the universe has been trying to show you for a long, long time.

This dawning, this realisation, will make you see your life in a whole new way and dots will be joined and answers given to so many things. How you’ve behaved, why you have chosen to do certain things, why you have walked into or out of particular situations and why you love what and who you do. Pennies from heaven are gifts of realisation, of a dawning of a new day, new life.

Now, here’s the thing, you have to be open minded, accepting and fearless to even hear the pennies dropping, never mind moving forward with a new insight on life. This is you being totally open to new ideas, new choices, new options, new thinking, new emotions and this can be quite uncomfortable for some if it’s not something experienced before. Today I woke refreshed, with new excitement for life and can focus my attention on what I want from it and to give to it without worrying about the how or when or why. It’s extremely liberating.

A little task today: if you had to explain to someone how you felt today but could only write to them what would you put. I would love you to actually do this. Pen and paper at the ready…. and begin. Don’t think too much just put down in words how you feel, about you, about them, about life in general…. whatever comes. You don’t have to send it to anyone but please read it back and see what it says to you, about you.

Ego Calling….

Ever have those moments when you feel sorry for yourself and want what everyone else has? You have nothing. You are lonely, lost, flat and very selfish in your thoughts. Why do they have all they you don’t! 

Welcome to your ego. 

Your ego wants to pull you down and make you less than you are. Your ego doesn’t like it when you don’t need it. Your ego wants to put you in your place and keep you down because then it’s won. 

I see ego as another being living inside. A squatter who thinks they have rights. Someone taking from all I have and giving nothing in return. They think the world owes them when they add nothing as part payment to this life.  I battle with my ego in the courts inside my head and sometimes have to submit an eviction order to them. 

Today is one of those days. 

I have someone in my world who has just told me a secret and it’s hit a nerve and allowed my ego to jump right in and screech in my ear “Ha you haven’t got that. You will never have that, feel that, experience that. You don’t deserve it.” My ego is wearing a green suit. He’s pecking away inside my head. He’s telling me all I don’t have. 

I hate my ego. 

Today is a day for reflection and to get wiser than my ego. Today is a day for acceptance that sometimes I am low and tired and he sneaks through the usual barriers I have for him. Today is a day to admit I’ve allowed him to have his say and be strong, gain strength to decide when I tell him to pack his bag and get out. 

That’s my choice you see. I can let him hang around and peck away making me feel lost, lonely, unworthy or I can grab him by the scruff of the neck, open the door and kick him out. That’s what choice allows. It allows you to decide, take back control and feel like you want to feel not how your ego wants. It takes strength and courage and bloody mindedness sometimes but anyone can do it if you have the will to change how you feel. 

Bye ego it’s time for you to leave. 

One small step forward 

It may only be a single step but when it goes in the right direction it is huge! There’s never just one is there or that would be hopping and I don’t think I like hopping. That seems out of control and haphazard. Being a little OCD I like organised and not so keen on random. Apart from that, hopping would make me out of control and I’m likely to fall over when that happens. 

So what one small step have you made this week towards your dreams, your ambitions, a new you? If you’ve just sat and said ‘nothing, not one, more like I’ve gone backwards’, stop right there and think again. It may be one seemingly insignificant step. It may have been what we would have called fairy steps when I was younger. Minute. Tiny. Hardly visible. Incomprehensible to most eyes but to you it will be a step forward just the same. Come on, what was it. Admit it you made one didn’t you! You are awesome, you do realise that don’t you?

You may have conquered a fear, made choices or decisions, spoken up for yourself or someone else, paid a bill you didn’t think you’d be able to pay or any number of other things but you’ve done it and should be so proud. 

Never turn round or stop. Never allow yourself to take a backwards step. It’s the wrong way to be travelling. Step with confidence. Step with assurance. Step with an air of ‘I can’. Even on the days you don’t believe it just fake it. One day you will forget that you even need to put on that mask, play that part and you will amaze yourself that you ever doubted you. 

Step forward and make it as big as you can. 

I see you

The face you see before you is simply a reflection. It acts as a reminder of who you are, how you feel, where you’ve come from and all to show you where you can go. That land of possibility.

I look in the mirror and see an older face, a face I sometimes recognise and sometimes I don’t. It has lines that define who I am. It has a brightness about it. It still carries some shadows but only as a reminder of how far I have come. The face I see loves me and loves life.

The face in the mirror always looks back with surprise, like they are genuinely surprised at who they see looking at them. Think of it…. The face looking at you is wondering about you, who you are, why you are staring back at them. A curious thought but which is real and which is reflection? Is either face the one others see? I digress…

When I look at you, close up and personal, who do I see? As I close my eyes I see strength. I see an inner strength that has kept you going through many a crisis and kept you true to your dreams. When I close my eyes I see beauty. Not a magazine cover but a real face, I see texture, I see colour, I see clarity in who you are. When I close my eyes I see your smile. I know it’s spent a long, long time covering up a dark demonic like hound who has nipped at your feet and yet look at it now! It’s beautiful. It’s big. It shines right to your eyes that look back at a me. When I look at you I see love. Whether you say it to anyone or not it’s there. It is like a shimmering surface to your skin on that large, beautiful face before me. Like it or not, able to verbalise or not, love is there for all to see. I see.

The face is a reflection of the you inside and no matter what you see, others will see more so take off the mask and allow all to see the same face. Allow them to see the face that shows who you are inside, how you genuinely feel, what you are thinking, how you hurt, how you love, how you live, who you are and what makes you you.

I see you when you are stood before me. I see you when I look in the mirror because some of my reflection is you. I see you in my head whilst I sleep and we meet in my dreams. I see you. I know you. I love you. I love every line, every dark circle, every crease, every wrinkle when you smile, every frown when you are thinking, every sparkle in your eye as you think of something naughty you feel like doing. I see you. I know you. I love you for who you are. I want you to love you too because you are a miracle, a gift to those around you, unique and worthy.

Are you broken?

How long will you go on before you admit you’re broken? Are you ashamed? Do you fear what others will say? How long have you been telling yourself you are okay and it will pass, it will go away tomorrow? How long have you hidden this from everyone else around you and don’t tell me you haven’t because I’ve been there and I know you will be telling everyone “I’m fine”.

A smile will be painted on but I promise you it never reaches your eyes. Do they notice?They notice that you are always bright and shiny. They notice you appear to love everything you do. They notice that you look fabulous. They notice that you have a great job. They notice your happy marriage and marvellous family life, free of worries. They notice it all. They just don’t notice you and how you feel because you cover it up too damn well. What an expert!

They don’t notice that you jump when spoken to because you feel you have to rise into action when they appear. They don’t see the tears on the pillow. They don’t hear the desperation in your voice when you cry “please someone let me sleep / please let me get through this day / please don’t let them hurt me again”. They don’t see that the bank balance is overdrawn again and you are worrying about your mortgage payments or even the food bill for this week. They don’t see the person worrying about the emotional abuse you get every day at work. They really don’t see you at all do they….

So how long will you wait before you hold out your hand and ask for help? How long before you realise there are safe places, spaces for you to step into and let it go? How long before you lay yourself bare and admit you need someone else to step in and walk with you whilst you sort this out, find you, breathe? It took me nigh on 15 years, gradually getting deeper and deeper into the dark hole I dug for myself…. please don’t leave it that long. If you’ve already beaten that record don’t you think its time? Your time.







Walking into the Unknown

Stepping forward into somewhere or something new is pretty frightening isn’t it. That moment when you take a pace forward and yet have no idea where it’s going to take you. You know you have to but part of you wants to turn back round to a safe place. It’s where I am right now.

So much has changed in my life in five years that I am comfortable with it. I understand my emotions, I understand my dark days, I take pleasure in every day as its all made by me and for others. I love my career path. I love the people I interact with. I am comfortable. So why disrupt that and begin again?

Quite simple really. I have to. Growth, emotionally, spiritually, learning, progress, stretching, developing, new people, challenge. Just some of the words that spring to mind. The last reason is to live. I mean really live. I am not for existing. I gave up too much, worked too hard on me to just exist. I want it all and I intend to have it. Nothing and no one will stop me achieving my ultimate purpose in life, as difficult and complicated as it may be, I will live.

To work with others, to heal, to make someone smile inside, to take away someone else’s pain, to hold space, to teach people to breathe, to love and be loved, to bring and enjoy happiness at its highest level, to dream and achieve, to aspire to greater things, to learn, to dance, to be true to myself and to those I love. Too much to achieve? Not in my world.

Walking into the unknown still gives me, even after all I have achieved, that tight knot in the pit of my stomach. That tight ball of fear. The breathlessness. The first step I know though is the most uncomfortable and yet the biggest, most satisfying one ever taken. After the first step, the body takes over and continues by itself realising it’s safe, it’s fun, it’s freedom, it’s satisfying, it’s warm and forward is the only way to go.

Your ego will give a hundred or more reasons to stay where you are. It will throw at you those practicalities of money, safety, comfort, others opinion, education and confidence, yet we all know that is your ego playing its favourite game of procrastination. It’s time. It’s time to step forward and leave the safety of what has been and move into a new future of possibility. Stand tall, take a deep breath, trust yourself and have a clear sight of that future but this is not about the end of this journey and your new goal, it’s the journey itself. The journey is where you will learn, grow, laugh, love, become a new you and live.

I’m only human after all

🎶don’t ask my opinion, don’t ask me to lie, then beg for forgiveness for making you cry….I’m only human after all, don’t put the blame on me🎶

We would all love someone else to take responsibility for the mistakes we make/have made wouldn’t we? If we can blame someone else it makes us feel less stupid, less awkward, more in control of our own lives. Actually we are all responsible for what we have, what we do, the choices we make and the outcome to a certain extent.

I have made some really big mistakes in my past, whether that be choosing the bad boy as a boyfriend when I was 14, not walking away after the man I thought loved me beat me the first time or any other relationship disaster I managed to accommodate. I’ve made so many mistakes that I then went the other way and needed life to be perfect.

Perfection meant safety, perfection meant I would be loved, perfection would mean promotion at work. That was a resounding nooooo. It really doesn’t work that way. I’m not sure of the exact biblical quote but I know it begins “to err is human”. I’m telling you now mistakes are good. Mistakes are what help you grow and learn. Mistakes are the things that make you human. If you are making mistakes you are alive! Stop being perfect.

When I see these young girls, and boys for that matter, seeking perfection, the perfect, skin, makeup, body, clothing brand, hair and all that comes with it I weep inside. In seeking perfection they are losing their identity. We are inadvertently cloning our children. I don’t mean in a scientific way, I mean allowing them to all look the same, talk the same, think the same and never be an individual. It’s a terrible burden they are carrying. They must be imperfect, they must make mistakes and they must fall down otherwise we as parents are not doing our role of growing them, teaching them, picking them up, dusting them off and hugging them.

Some may think it’s my mouth that could also be seen as my mistake making machine.  As the first line of this blog indicates, if someone asks my opinion I give it. I have very little filtering system when it comes to that and will say what I think not necessarily what they want to hear. That doesn’t always go down well does it! I will always give my opinion with kindness and from my heart and in a way someone, I hope, will get from it what they need but I will never fabricate my answer, not even for those I love and care for. If you seek an answer that is what you already think, ask the mirror. If you seek the option of another for comparison and genuinely want the answer then I’m happy to hear the question. Don’t cry, blame or make me responsible for the outcome.

I’ve spent years striving to be perfect, I’ve worked really hard at it, made big (and bad) choices to achieve it. Finally I got there and everything was as I wanted it. Wasn’t it? Actually no. It was a cold, unemotional, lonely world. Sad, unloving, dark, sterile and stuck. With nowhere to go, no one to love (particularly myself) and no other option I had to ask the person in the mirror one more question… Could we please go back back to making mistakes and being human after all… 

Something Inside So Strong

🎶The higher you build your barriers, the taller I become. The further you take my rights away, the faster I will run. You can deny me, you can decide to turn your face away. No matter ’cause there’s something inside so strong.  I know that I can make it. Though you’re doing me wrong, so wrong. You thought that my pride was gone, oh no. There’s something inside so strong.  The more you refuse to hear my voice the louder I will sing. You hide behind walls of Jericho. Your lies will come tumbling. Deny my place in time, you squander wealth that’s mine. My light will shine so brightly it will blind you.🎶

Why these words this morning? Who knows. Some of you may know them, some not. For me, it’s not what the words originally said but what they say today, to me. Words can stay the same but their meaning changes with person, with time and circumstance.

I work with people every day who are hurting, who are lost, who are trying to see through the fog around them. Sometimes I just need to whisper, sometimes I need to shout and wave my arms for them to realise I’m here to stand alongside them whilst they journey on. Some I know need me and yet will never ask for help and I believe I do become taller, faster, sing louder, shine brighter just for them. They make me grow. They make me a better person. They, by their denial of who I am and what I can do, what I do do, makes me a better version of me. 

I am Tauren, I am stubborn and put a barrier in front of me and if I can’t knock it down I will find a way over, under, or round it. You will never deny me my opportunity to shine.

I have something so strong inside that nothing and no one will ever stop me achieving my purpose in life….. to heal and to love. I have a belief in me, my character, my spirit, my gifts, my skill set, my ability to be the person I was born to be, that nothing or no one will deny me, no matter how many times they try and knock me down. This is a newly found power, strength, belief system and until I wrote these words I didn’t realise how strong they were. 

I love the brain. Where I thought this was going when I started to type is not at all in that direction. I thought I was heading away from the original theme of the words and in fact I am walking right along with it. 

Deny me and I will shine brighter. For all those who doubt the need for people in this world who quietly work in the background, never shouting loudly, never clamouring for attention, sit up and take note. These people are creating the foundation for your peace of mind. These people are your foundation so tread carefully. Foundations can shift, crack and you can fall through if they aren’t allowed to be strong, given careful consideration, time and allowed to serve their purpose. You may walk on them but without their strength beneath your feet you fall, you hurt yourself, you fail. Do not deny them.

We have so many people in this world today clamouring for their voice to be heard, to sell their wares, to be the best, to have more, that they forgot those around, they forget to build relationships, they forget to grow others and therefore be grown themselves. They stomp their feet but soon enough the foundations will crack…. Their lives will implode and they will need to find their inner peace. There I will be. I promise. I wait quietly but will always wait.