Grief or a Journey

The J word they try to avoid in celebrity shows as people find themselves over the duration of whatever show they are in. I don’t know why they are so afraid of using the word as it’s something they are definitely doing and should be proud of. To go on a life journey, discovering the world, discovering you is an empowering and magical, life changing experience.

Today’s journey for me is an actual journey. Taking my beautiful daughter back to university in the lovely town of Inverness. About a 15 hours round journey of long roads to think. But what does this journey really depict for me today?

It’s a mementous one as 21 years ago I had not even an inkling that this would be where I was in my life today. 21 years ago the world was amazing. I was happily married, 9 months pregnant and looking forward to a future that was going to be amazing. 

In the next 24 hours my life changed on its head with the death of my mum from a brain haemorrhage. Life as I knew it stopped. The path I was on seemed to unknowingly change and the life I thought I had ahead obliterated infront of my eyes. 

21 years. 15 of those struggling with emotions, trying to find something but never knowing what. Grief is a strange being and if you don’t greet it head on, shake its hand, invite it in and let it have its place in your life it can consume you. 

Yet today I drive with a happy heart and thank those years for all they’ve given me. Most of all a stunning, loving daughter who I’m beyond proud of. If ever I could have foreseen a future for her it’s the one she’s beginning. 21 years. Where did it go?

Grief took me by the throat and I allowed it to consume me instead of welcoming it in and then sending it on its way when I was ready to let go. Yet, as I make this journey into the stunning Scottish countryside I have a daughter I love with all my heart by my side and a sense of peace inside that is impossible to describe in words. I would love to have mum for one more day so these two could actually meet but the rest of life has made me who I am and I wouldn’t change a thing. The woman in this car is who she is because of the journey not in spite of it. Blessed. 

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