As we say goodbye

As we say goodbye to 2016 I look back on it with pride, with a wistful ‘I did that’ glance and a peace in my heart I didn’t know could exist there. I have had 12 months of self employment and I wouldn’t say there is a one day that I have regretted the decision.

That is not to say it hasn’t been tough because in some areas it really has but oh my goodness I wouldn’t swap what I have had this year for anything. My learning has gone through the roof and I have achieved far more than I could have possibly imagined. I have come out of my shell, I have grown in confidence in what I do and who I am and I am happy with the now, for the first time in my life.

In a previous Christmas if someone asked what I would like for a gift I would say I didn’t need anything but always in the back of my head there was a wish list I never divulged. Perhaps because I didn’t think I deserved it or the expense or just because, I don’t know. This year when I was asked I said the same thing but I actually meant it. What I have right here, right now is all I need. I have no desire for things. I am totally satisfied with what I have. That comes with an amazing sense of peace.

I spend every week healing those who need me. I give them all I have. I am loved and I can love. I have a healthy, happy family and am blessed with two amazingly talented and kind children. I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. I have friendship, laughter and opportunity. What more is there?

There have been some tough moments in the year for us all but as I leave 2016 and step forward into 2017 I step with love in my heart, a spring in my step and the knowledge that I can achieve absolutely anything I decide to do. One day at a time, new ideas, an open mind and an open heart and I’m ready. I am thankful for all I have and to all the people who have crossed my path this year I send you blessings as without you I have nothing.

So, as you step forward what are you taking with you, what do you leave behind and what are you thankful for?


Brick by brick

Wall building, bricklaying, is an art, making sure it’s strong, straight, level and can stand up to many years of everything the world throws at it. It’s something I’ve been exceptional at over the years. Brick by brick I laid that wall. Carefully positioning each brick, lovingly creating a masterpiece. It was usually black stone, granite. Impenetrable. High, wide and beautiful. I was such an expert at it sometimes I wasn’t even aware I was creating such a work of art.

How many have you built or is it just the one? You can build a wall to protect you. You can build a wall to shut others out. Maybe they are the same wall? We all build them but some have the right idea and use them wisely.

I have learnt it’s okay to build a wall as long as the intent and purpose is a positive one. My walls these days are to stand on top of. If I look behind me I can see exactly where I have been. If I look ahead I can see how far I can go. I just like to look between my feet at the beauty of this spectacular creation of mine. It’s where I see my present, my now, my where I am today.

This wall shows how far I have come. This wall shows me how I have taken everything in life and brick by brick have created something of beauty in bricks of gold, red, yellow, purple, green; in fact every colour of the rainbow. This wall shows my strength, my courage to keep building when I felt like giving up. This wall shows my honesty as its straight and true and has no nooks and crannies to hide behind. This wall is authentic, solid, strong, beautiful. This wall protects me yes if I choose to stand behind it occasionally, but it is a much better viewpoint. This wall is me.

Brick by brick you can build a wall to shut people out and if you have done that I understand but sometimes you have to make space for a door to let people in or to let yourself out. Brick by brick you don’t even notice how high you are building it and if you have I understand but sometimes you need to put in a window to see others and allow them to see you. Brick by brick you can create a wall but the difference is its purpose and your intent. What’s yours?

Leaving behind

As we draw to the last few days in 2016 I wonder what you will leave behind. I see so many posts in social media at this time saying how bad their year has been, that nothing good came from the 365 they’ve been given to do with what they will, that next year has to be better.

How can you have had all that time and not found something in there to celebrate as we draw towards the new year? I know people will have lost friends and family and maybe their jobs aren’t what they would like them to be or they have financial worries. I totally get it, I’m not immune to all the bad and sad things that happen in life, but I do believe we should at least try and take with us something positive from everything we experience. If we don’t how else do we learn.

To wish your life away to me seems a waste. There are still three days of this year to experience something spectacular, to try something new, to do something well, to say something someone needs to hear, to be spectacular! So why waste the opportunity?

But leave behind we must. We step forward each new day into the future, which becomes our present but you cannot, indeed should not, take everything with you. Baggage I think I will call it today. So what is to be left at the station as you board the train to your next destination? For me I think it has to be worrying about my financial situation and just ensure that I work hard enough to be secure. I guess instead of worrying about what I might not have tomorrow or haven’t got right now, I must focus on what I am doing every day to ensure financial security, because that is the only bit I have control over – what I do.

What about you? Are you leaving behind a piece of you that you that doesn’t serve you in 2017? Are you leaving behind a worry or stress point? Are you leaving behind a person who makes you sad or just doesn’t bring out the best in you? Are you leaving behind a business to begin again? Are you leaving behind memories that keep you trapped in the past? Are you leaving behind enough?

Take a few minutes today to think how to step into the new year on a positive note. Place that first footprint in the sand in 2017 and make it one that is deep, clear and true.

All too much

One of the side effects of my depression that lingers still is that I struggle with too much… too much noise, too much pressure, too much busyness, too many people. Christmas as you can imagine is just too much….

I can manage it, I can cope, I can look ahead and know which situation I am going to be in where it will happen and minimise these as much as I can but sometimes it still feels like failing. When I really want to enjoy being around a lot of people, when I really want to party and when I really want to get on and make plans, I’m always limited with what I can handle at once. It’s very frustrating.

So how do I cope? Well the first thing is to acknowledge it. I try not to anticipate it as I am pretty sure that if I anticipate it, it will happen, whereas I prefer to try and think positively and feel it won’t but thinking about that I guess my unconscious mind is therefore already anticipating. So can I forget?

If I do find myself in overwhelm, as that is what it is at the end of the day, I have to make sure I can take myself out mentally, not necessarily physically. I have taught myself to take my head to my garden, my haven of peace where no one else enters unless invited. I fact I went there this mornring and the only one there except for me was my man at the garden gate, my sanity, my voice of reason, my friend who is happy to just stand by my side in silence. I can be in a room full of people but it’s like they are behind a glass window, sound proofed, opaque and I’m untouchable until ready.

Afterwards? I praise myself for coping and remind myself that these are moments I control and are few and far between these days. I celebrate that I know what overwhelm feels like (so I understand my clients) and am grateful that these occasions are rare and short lived.

Christmas is a time for many when it all gets too much. The noise, the hustle and bustle, the need to be happy, the need to be the life and soul of the party, the hostess or host, the planner, the provider, the one in control and on top of all of that you are meant to enjoy it too. It’s okay to be overwhelmed. It’s okay not to enjoy. It’s okay to tolerate. It’s okay to be thankful when the days are done and everyone has gone home. However you feel, know it’s okay.

You know this will come round again, to feeling, this noise, this chaos, these emotions that overwhelm so what are you going to do to make sure that next time it’s all just that little bit less than before?

Is it time?

How often do you say that you will do something tomorrow, that you will go there later, that you will try that another time….. when is it time? When do you think will be the right time to begin to live?

I know my time is short on this earth. I know that I have to live every single day like its my last. I know that I have to give all I have, achieve all my potential and be the person I was born to be or I have wasted that precious gift we call time. I want to, no need to, fill every day with love and laughter and give my heart wherever it serves someone well.

I wasted too much time feeling sorry for my lot, feeling I was not who I deserved to be, blaming everything nd everyone else for who I was, how I felt and where my life was going. What a complete idiot I was for wasting all that I had. Only on waking up to me did I see I was already enough, my life was already filled with possibility and potential and I had a chance to live life to its most fullest, most exotic, most passionate, most fruitful and fun filled potential. All I had to do was begin to live it.

What are you putting off doing, being, feeling. living? What is the first thing that comes into your head when you hear that question? Do you need to change something? Do you need to say something? Do you have somewhere you need to go? Are you holding back from something? Are you blaming instead of being responsible? When will you step into your light and shine?

When will you give yourself the okay to be the person you are and sparkle for the world to see it too? Tomorrow? Next week? 2017 maybe as there are 365 days to choose from….? When the children are older? When you are earning more? When you have that dream promotion? When you are older, wiser, braver, taller, shorter, fatter, thinner, fitter…..? When?

Can I suggest you stop making excuses (and no they are not reasons they are definitely excuses) and get out there and live!





A miracle? 

No matter whether you believe the Christmas story or not you have to agree that the idea that the birth of a baby could be so life changing for so many is a miracle. The belief that this one child could change life as we know it. Why not today?

What if, instead of the birth of the Messiah we bring it to today and one person could change your life…. What if one person gave you such hope that you believed that everything is achievable, that anything is possible, that you can have all you need and love and be loved for all eternity. What if….

What if for Christmas I gave you one person who could change your life? What if that someone showed you the you that they can see every time they look at you? What if that person took your hand and showed you your potential, showed you all you could be because it’s already inside you? What if there was one person who believed in you so much they gave you all they had to help you see it too? What if their light shone so brightly it could light your way until yours burned brightly enough to see again?

You may think the Christmas story just a story or you may believe that it’s a true depiction but no matter which way you look, it tells you that it’s possible for one person to change the world. Who’s changing yours? Maybe you are the one to change someone else’s. Maybe, just maybe you are the change in your own world. Time to rewrite your story?

Time. Ever enough? 

🎼We have all the time in the world. Time enough for life to unfold all the precious things love has in store. We have all the love in the world. If that’s all we have you will find we need nothing more. Every step of the way will find us. With the cares of the world far behind us. We have all the time in the world. Just for love nothing more nothing less only love. Every step of the way will find us. With the cares of the world far behind us. We have all the time in the world. Just for love nothing more nothing less only love.🎼

As I get older I feel time is moving faster and faster, especially as I still have so much more to do and more to be. More to see. More to feel. More to experience. More love to give. I’m running out of time! Or am I? How about turning that on its head and making time work for me? 

How? If you can do that suddenly a life time takes on a whole new dimension. If I don’t waste time on things and people who do not require my time I’ve surely saved some. If I spend time with someone special, giving my time to those who appreciate the time we spend together I’m surely gaining time. 

The pause between breaths is where we gain time. That moment where there is nothing. That stillness, that silence that the pause brings to us. At that moment you can be anywhere, do anything and be thankful.

In the madness that is Christmas, with the wind howling down my chimney, the full day of work ahead and the house still yet to clean and prepare for my beautiful children arriving, I find stillness. As I meditate I feel my breath, I hear my breath, I live my breath and time stands still. I gain back all I need to get through my day and in it all I am at peace. 

I find peace in the noise, the chaos, the rush and the hype. I find stillness where the wind also takes a breath and stops momentarily. I find inner strength to get through all that has to be done, timely, steadily, calmly. I find time to enjoy all I do, see, hear and feel. I find time to love.

I have all the time in the world to do what is needed of me and for me today and you can too if you just stop and breathe and in that pause, create time. It’s truly magical.

Deja vu

Ever had that feeling when you meet someone that you’ve met before? Have you ever allowed your mind the possibility to think that actually you have. Your soul? Now for some I may be on dodgy ground this morning, especially if you don’t believe but stick with me.

We believe as children that there is a Father Christmas and a tooth fairy and an Easter bunny. As we grow older we learn that these work differently to how we thought but do you ever think of the possibility, have a tiny query that adults may be wrong and there may be something in in. Just because we as adults make it something else, are we right to say there is no magic?

Some believe that there is a god, in what ever version he may come in, but he exists in their eyes. We don’t see him and yet we continue to have faith that he is there watching over us and keeping us safe.

Some believe that whilst we have physical bodies, at the end of their day when they no longer work for us we move on as something else and it is our soul that continues into another life. You can’t see it so can you believe it?

When I meet some people I know we have met before and whilst I don’t know them physically, I do know that my soul has connected with theirs before. I don’t need proof, I have a fine gut instinct that tells me that one. I simply believe. I don’t question, as a child doesn’t question the tooth fairy or as a religious person doesn’t question their God, I simply accept. There is a connection I can feel and that is enough for me. I don’t need to know who or where and the why is simple, we have something to do, to achieve, to be in this lifetime.

I feel them same for everyone that comes into my world, we are meeting for a purpose, it may be to learn, to grow, to heal, to protect, to love. It may be lasting, it may be fleeting and I always accept the length of time with me as enough. When they go, we have clearly done what we needed to do. It sometimes feels too short but for me that is my physical being needing them in my life, not my soul. I am grateful for whatever time we have and sometimes, just sometimes the universe may bring them back round to do it all again.

If you believe in something, in someone, in yourself, it is. Don’t question. Trust and have faith.

Words – not always easy

We can manage to say quite a lot without words. I still remember that look my mum would give me that could stop a truck and I do believe I inherited it but you’d have to get my kids to confirm that one. There are many ways to express yourself, through body language or with your eyes but without words so much can be missed or misinterpreted.

Words are not always easy to say but are always essential if you want to be totally understood, clear and with no room for the person in front of you to miss what you really need to say.

How many times have you walked away from someone, whether that be a work situation, a friend or a loved one and thought “I wish I’d said that”. Usually it’s too late as the moment has passed. 

Time. Time is a massive factor for me as I’m getting older. When I was younger it didn’t seem to matter, the missed opportunity, because I knew, or at least I thought, there was always time to go back and correct, repeat, say or repair. I don’t feel that way anymore and what I need to say has to come out. It’s not always welcome but I don’t feel I am being honest to myself or the other person if I keep it inside. No one wants to miss an opportunity.

Emotions. Frustration, anger, caring, love. All emotions you can see but ones that can be open to misunderstanding without words behind. A big hug for one could be a ‘how lovely to have seen you, goodbye’ and yet to the other it could be a ‘I’ve missed you so much let’s try again’. It really depends on what’s in someone head, their dreams, their desires, their intent. Add words to the hug and whilst it may hurt or heal at least there’s clarity.

Words, your words, can mean so much to someone so speak kindly, be gentle, speak from your heart, be honest and don’t leave things unsaid. Tomorrow may be too late. Words, your words, may also heal. Someone who is having a bad day may love to just listen to your words, your positive upbeat conversation. You don’t have to be boosting their ego or their mood intentionally but if you give out love and words that match how can they not take some of that away with them.

So, the question is what do you really need or want to say to someone today? Choose your words wisely and say them from your heart, with love. Even the most harsh or upsetting conversations if said with love can be more palatable. Time. Don’t let time pass. If it needs to be said, say it. What if you don’t and time takes over and an opportunity for change, for love, for happiness is missed. Regret is not a good place to be sat in tomorrow.

Stripped back and bare

Something for you to think about whilst I waffle on…. When was the last time you can think that you were the original you? By this I mean no stress, no frustration, no hang ups, no self loathing or self doubt, no cynicism, simply accepting of what people say and do,  happy, thoughtful, loving, naive maybe, seeing things through a child’s eyes and thinking the world was full of hope.

This week has brought this time for me flying back into my memory palace and with it has come the same sense of joy, laughter, innocence and has warmed my heart and made my face light up. All brought about by a single voice. A fast track journey to a place where everything had been possible and the world was huge and mine to explore as I chose fit.

With having to battle/beat/manage depression I have had to really look at the inside me and search out who I was, what I liked, what I should enhance and what I should let go, so this process is normal to me but can phase you if it’s the first time you have taken a look. It can be uncomfortable and scarey, it can be bleak and lonely but out of the searching you will see the you that has been covered with layers of life and hidden away.

How do you capture this and bring it to today? How do you hold onto it without brushing it against all that may taint it? What do you have to do to hold this for longer than a moment? I’m not sure I have found the answer but if you can hold onto it, whether in your memory palace, your physical being or your soul, at least you can always travel there again. For me this has always been there, stretching it’s head into my present over the years but always withdrawing when something called life took over. This time I think it’s here for good, in some capacity it’s come home to settle.

Finding the you, stripped back and bare is a cathartic experience and a must to find who you are, have become, will be. A place, a word, a face, a name, a smell, an experience or a voice; something triggers those moments, those years, those hours where it was nothing but then, nothing but bliss, nothing but a future of possible. It can come again if you are willing to be bare once more.