Needing some answers

If you’ve always got the impression I am quite sane and life is perfect perhaps you shouldn’t read on today….. If you know, experience or understand mental health issues feel free to read on….

To understand I’ve always asked questions. To be at peace with something, even if it’s a bad thing, I’ve always needed to understand. Some things though you just have to accept and never know. This may be because there is no one to ask or just because no matter how many times you ask an answer, it just isn’t possible and the noise has to remain in your head.

Voices shouting. A tangled web of noise and spaghetti like mess intertwining and allowing those feelings of chaos of disorder. It’s about learning what’s normal in your head and what isn’t and then doing what you can to cope with it. Sometimes it is simply a feeling, an emotion and you have to accept it and wait for it to go away.

Visualisation. A fabulously useful skill to use. A powerful refuge when needing some peace from the chaos in your head. Today I can see the spaghetti but not like yesterday where there was no breaking through the noise. Today I can see the dog from ‘Lady and the Tramp’ at the table helping out. As silly as it sounds seeing that dog sucking on the length of pasta and slowly unraveling it on my behalf helps. Firstly it makes me smile, especially as the sauce is actually butter for some reason and it’s flicking off as he eats it but secondly I can see the pile of tangled pasta getting smaller and smaller and that gives me clarity.

The pasta is gone but he appears to have left some meatballs so clearly there is something to be dealt with but that’s the joy of being able to give myself  time and space, I can see there’s an issue and that gives clarity and understanding and eventually peace. If I can see it I can deal with it. Meditation being the first port of call and after that we will see.

It’s fabulous being in my head sometimes with its creativity and colour and freedom to think and be myself and sometimes it’s pretty scary as that big red self destruct button could easily be pushed. Thankfully I know now that if I do press that button all the hard work and the brilliant business I have created would be gone and that price is too high to pay. My family deserves more than that. I deserve more than that. So the loveable Tramp will have to continue to eat that spaghetti and I will have to try and turn down the volume on the noise until normality is resumed. 

Time to work on the meatballs…..

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