Stop fighting…. surrender

I was once so scared of my own emotions, so overwhelmed by them I fought them every single day. I was scared to love, scared to love me, scared to love others. The power of that emotion was so strong I thought if I allowed myself to feel I would lose every ounce of control and my world would fall apart. I felt that if I loved all the emotional baggage I carried would be released and I wouldn’t be able to cope. A bit like a dam, once there was a small crack in the wall the end result was too big to even consider.

To lose control and allow yourself to feel is, I have since learnt, the best thing you can do, the only thing to do. Until you surrender to your own emotions you will never gain. Without giving, giving you, you have a very lonely life ahead of you. People will try to penetrate this wall you are stood behind, they will chip away and chip away. Some will try harder than others but eventually they will all give up because the task is too hard, too big and with nothing but frustration and hard work there is no pleasure.

To make yourself vulnerable is one of the scariest things to do. To lay yourself naked of all barriers and say “this is me take me or leave me” is frightening as someone may well choose the latter. It’s okay. You will survive.

The freedom that surrender brings is quite indescribable for me. It’s a lightness, warmth, vivid colour. It’s a tinkling laughter, like that of a very small child. It’s the smell of freshly mown grass on a warm summers day. It’s a dark cavern lit by the vibrancy of diamonds as a light is shone. It’s silence, a silence so peaceful that it fills you with love and an overwhelming sense of just being. 

My purpose in life, through my massage, is to provide for you a safe haven, a place of calm, safety, security where it’s okay to just experience being you, to listen to your own thoughts. I keep the space. I watch over you while you surrender to your own emotions and let them go. My promise to all those lost, scared souls out there is to protect whilst you find your way home.

Surrender to your emotions and explore the world with eyes that you’ve never seen through. It’s amazing.


Be ridiculous, be the child

As an adult I think we tend to take the world a little too seriously sometimes. We forget to be children. We forget to look at life through the naivity of a child. We forget to have fun.

Yesterday I received a message from a friend, it was only an emoji, no words and it made me laugh out loud. The fact that it made me giggle made me giggle even more. Something so ridiculous brightened my whole day. We all need moments like this one. 

Just check with yourself about the last time you properly laughed. The last time something caught you off guard and made you giggle. The last time you cried with laughter. The last time you smiled a genuine smile. For some people that is an awfully long time. Too long. I can happily say that I have friends and loved ones who make me smile, giggle and laugh every single day but it hasn’t always been that way so I count my blessings for them.

Being the child sometimes doesn’t mean you are lacking in responsibility, it doesn’t mean you are stupid, it doesn’t mean you won’t be taken seriously. It simply is a way of releasing the stress, worries and seriousness that the life of an adult brings with it. It’s a release pure and simple. If you find you can’t see the answer to something, ask yourself to look again with the eyes of. Child. Keep it simple, look from a different angle, stop trying to make things mean something they don’t.

Life can be very stressful, there is pressure to achieve so very much. Deadlines. Targets. Be on time all the time. Dress appropriately. Mind what you say and to whom. Keeping the ‘executive’ head on at all times. Money. Work. Family….. The list is endless with very little room for freedom, fun, banter, laughter, giggles or silliness so you have to make sure you add that in. Ride the trolley in the supermarket, wear something just for fun (she says whilst sat in unicorn pjs), send someone a picture to make them smile. Sometimes a random act of madness makes everyone feel better.

Lighten up people! There is enough seriousness in the world right now so today be on a mission to have fun, giggle, be the child, be your inner child.

What are you worth?

How many things, people, jobs, tasks, journeys do you put ahead of you, your needs, dreams, thoughts, desires or space? How much love do you show yourself? Who looks after you?

What I do is heal. I take the beautiful gift I have been given and I heal the wounded soul, the burnt out, the stressed and those injured in mind or body. I was born to use touch to reenergise another human being, taking them from a perpetual state of flux to a lower vibration where calm meets an emotional feeling of comfort, warmth and serenity.

We all deserve to feel still, safe, loved. Man or woman. Young or old. Every human being has the right to find an hour or two of peace, pleasure, something to look forward to. In a world of rush, stressful decisions, juggling hats of all shapes and sizes, swapping masks and costumes to suit any occasion we deserve the gift of stillness.

So why do we put ourselves to the bottom of the pile? Why do we sometimes ignore totally our need to stop and breathe? Usually image. What would people say or think if they saw us taking time for ourselves before another in our family or before we finish that last job or be selfish enough to give ourselves a gift? What others say or think is none of your business.

What I do is heal. I take these hands and gently hold the space until you are ready to step into it. I wait. I invite you to step forward, step in and then stop. Many are worried about massage before they experience it, the fragility of self, giving control to another person. Trust is huge. Massage is about creating relationships, knowing each other, understanding, allowing control to be one sided and being open to the energy, the gift I give freely, openly, generously. Touch is still the most powerful experience and when done with intent to heal can only be a positive one.

So I ask again, when will you show yourself love? When will you allow yourself to be looked after? When will you diarise an hour each month for you to come alive again?

I am here to hold the space for you so you can come to me, just an hour of your time, to place yourself safely in my hands, to stop, to just be.

I invite you to breathe…..

Needing some answers

If you’ve always got the impression I am quite sane and life is perfect perhaps you shouldn’t read on today….. If you know, experience or understand mental health issues feel free to read on….

To understand I’ve always asked questions. To be at peace with something, even if it’s a bad thing, I’ve always needed to understand. Some things though you just have to accept and never know. This may be because there is no one to ask or just because no matter how many times you ask an answer, it just isn’t possible and the noise has to remain in your head.

Voices shouting. A tangled web of noise and spaghetti like mess intertwining and allowing those feelings of chaos of disorder. It’s about learning what’s normal in your head and what isn’t and then doing what you can to cope with it. Sometimes it is simply a feeling, an emotion and you have to accept it and wait for it to go away.

Visualisation. A fabulously useful skill to use. A powerful refuge when needing some peace from the chaos in your head. Today I can see the spaghetti but not like yesterday where there was no breaking through the noise. Today I can see the dog from ‘Lady and the Tramp’ at the table helping out. As silly as it sounds seeing that dog sucking on the length of pasta and slowly unraveling it on my behalf helps. Firstly it makes me smile, especially as the sauce is actually butter for some reason and it’s flicking off as he eats it but secondly I can see the pile of tangled pasta getting smaller and smaller and that gives me clarity.

The pasta is gone but he appears to have left some meatballs so clearly there is something to be dealt with but that’s the joy of being able to give myself  time and space, I can see there’s an issue and that gives clarity and understanding and eventually peace. If I can see it I can deal with it. Meditation being the first port of call and after that we will see.

It’s fabulous being in my head sometimes with its creativity and colour and freedom to think and be myself and sometimes it’s pretty scary as that big red self destruct button could easily be pushed. Thankfully I know now that if I do press that button all the hard work and the brilliant business I have created would be gone and that price is too high to pay. My family deserves more than that. I deserve more than that. So the loveable Tramp will have to continue to eat that spaghetti and I will have to try and turn down the volume on the noise until normality is resumed. 

Time to work on the meatballs…..

How fast we travel through life

Ever feel like things are moving so fast you can’t keep up. Driving the motorway back from Scotland nudged me into wondering why we insist on everything being so fast in life these days. Why do we feel the need to rush everywhere and everything we do? Why do we place so much importance on speed?

I need my internet connection to be fast, I need the ability to think quickly on my feet and I need to use my time wisely to get the most done in it BUT I do not need to rush my conversations, I do not need to rush into decisions and I do not need my relationships to move so quickly that I don’t really get to know someone properly.

I watched cars, trucks, motorbikes all rushing to reach their destination, sometimes putting their lives and those of the other road users at risk. Weaving in and out of traffic, not indicating so others had no idea of their intent and driving so close to each other they were nearly able to touch. 

How we do this too! We rush, bobbing in and out of people’s lives without thinking about our impact or what or who we stand on; we don’t give an indication of what we want or need yet expect others to understand and we can get so close that it’s suffocating because we don’t allow others their space.

What’s the need for this speed? Why can’t we slow down and enjoy the journey, the view, the experiences along the way? How do expect to gain anything from life if we go so quickly though the day that we miss out on what we did? Who are we missing out on by just putting our foot down and seeing only the destination?

Speed is sometimes essential but just remember to sometimes take the back road and look at the surroundings, talk to the people along the way and experience life.

Letting go

When you take your child back to uni (mine goes early after just three weeks as she’s studying nursing) it is one of the hardest and the best things in the world. Hard because they are going to be so far away (6.5 hours) and best because they are so happy studying what they love and what they were born to do. My daughter may not yet be qualified but she is and always has been a nurse. Caring, loving, a fixer, tactful, empathetic, understanding and a fabulous listener. Qualities I admire and love her for.

How many times do we let go with only sadness and yet if we step back just a little we could probably let someone go with happiness, pride, understanding and most of all, love. Even those leaving us when they no longer love us. Wouldn’t life feel easier if you see the good with someone going, thank them for what they gave rather than what they took away.

Many, many years ago I was in a very abusive relationship and the bruises remained inside long after the beatings stopped and for a long time I remembered only with hate that time in my life. Thankfully as I look back I can now look back and be thankful for all I learnt and who it made me. I am stronger because of of it. I know my self worth because of it. I love more because of it. I treat others with love even when it’s hard because of it.

Letting go isn’t just about letting a person go, it’s about letting go of emotional baggage, letting go of hurt, letting go of uncertainty and fear and letting go of the many layers of ourselves that we use and showing the real you. When you know who this is you can take life in your stride and enjoy it, love it, even when it has a temporary hurt.

So today I will do the 6.5 hour drive to Inverness, kiss my daughter goodbye and be thankful. Be thankful that I have such a beautiful, kind, loving, wise daughter who makes my heart burst with pride every time I think of her. I won’t be sad as she is happy, studying her passion in life, is loved and cared for by her friends and family and has her whole future to begin. How exciting a place to be. How could I be sad to see her go again.

Keep it simple

Why oh why do we insist in over complicating our lives? At what point do we decide to make everything as difficult as humanly possible?

We (as a human race) tell a whole web of lies to get us out of a situation where we should have just said “no thank you that’s not for me”. We can’t seem to stick to one person in our lives, we think it’s a good idea to juggle the emotional train wreck that is multiple relationships at one time. We try and fit so much into our lives that we become overwhelmed by it and focus on little of it and certainly enjoy none of it.

What possessed us to over complicate it all? Do we think we are more superior if we live this way? Do we think we look busier so deserve more respect?

I really can’t answer the why we do it as everyone will have their own reasons but when you face up to it and admit it’s achieving none of the original intentions and let it all go I can honestly say it’s empowering, it’s exciting and it opens up a world you only ever dreamt of. In fact it opens up the world you thought you would find when you began to over complicate it all.

Keep it simple. Take away the noise. Decide what you want and then make choices accordingly. It’s okay to put the brakes on and take time to discover who you are and what you want from life. Don’t sit there muttering “but I don’t have time, it’s easy for them to say etc etc etc” and yes I know you are…. you are in control of your life and your life means your choices. At what point did someone come up to you and tell you that from that moment on you couldn’t have your own dreams, thoughts, wishes and you had to do everything only after they told you that you could? I don’t believe anyone did but I do believe we as people allow others to do that.

Simplicity is beautiful, it’s easy, it’s a joy and you still get everything you dreamt of just with less stress and more pleasure. Think about what one thing you can do to make just today more simple and more pleasurable? It’s starts with one change.

A thousand years

I still do a ballet class once a week and love the fitness side but nothing else exists for that hour. I really feel every breath, every muscle movement and the music seems to run through me, in me, with me. The music is like the puppeteer and I its puppet.

Last night Christina Perry’s ‘a thousand years’ was one of the pieces and it totally transported me. I danced with those who made me who I am, those I have loved, those I grew with, those who I shared experiences with that we’re beyond description, time or words.

🎶Heart beats fast. Colours and promises. How to be brave? How can I love when I’m afraid to fall? But watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow. Darling, don’t be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years. I’ll love you for a thousand more.🎶

I’m not sure I can describe how those words wrapped around me as a person would their arms and we danced together reliving times gone by. Celebrating tenderness, warmth, laughter and a bond so tight that it could never leave. Past joined with present just for that few minutes and in unison moved as one.

This all may sounds a bit odd and aired fairy if you haven’t experienced anything like it but I can honestly say it was magical, peaceful, exhilarating and reminded me just how much the people we interact with, befriend, care for, love, make us who we are and are never far away. Their words, their emotions, the memories created and shared all stick to you like a an extra layer of skin. They mould you and move with you in everything you do, even when they have been long gone from your life. Awesome.

So, if your mum, dad, sibling, friend or lover is in your heart today find a piece of music in your heart and dance with them, celebrate them, love them one more time. They will enjoy the dance as much as you.

Mountains, boulders or pebbles?

If you are walking in a beautiful country lane and up ahead it’s a bit overgrown do you stop and turn round to go home? If you are out shopping and someone places a small rock or boulder on the pavement do you stop and panic about how you are going to get past? I doubt it on both these questions, so why when life gets a bit messy or we come up against difficult things to get round do we often give up and turn back?

If life was a long straight road with no bumps, blockages, clear of traffic and no distractions at its sides wouldn’t it be fabulous? No distractions, nothing to trip us up, nothing to really get in our way. We may see some oncoming traffic but with having such a clear view it wouldn’t worry us. Life would also be dull, with nothing to look at and nothing to test our senses, stimulate our mind or challenge us. 

Okay so there is a balance needed. If we were constantly dodging traffic, hitting bumps in the road and had that many things happens on the side that we never actually looked where we were going, it would be dangerous. Balance is good!

Sometimes, just sometimes we can see an issue in life and dependent on where we are, how we are feeling, our mindset and character it can be a small pebble, a boulder or a mountain. Pebbles are easy enough to move or kick out the way and it’s effortless. Boulders can take time and effort and can sometimes be so big we have to find a way round them. Mountains we struggle to see past, would have difficulty going round or over and rarely could go through but they are still conquerable if you are determined. 

Deal with them you must. 

You cannot keep turning back every time you reach one. If you reach this obstruction and turn back you are giving up. Giving up on life, dreams, ambition, love, passion and self worth. If it’s a bad day, and we all have them, you may turn back but tomorrow is another day and you can try again. No one ever said you can only attempt the pass once, just don’t go at it the same way or you will reach the same conclusion and fail. It must be viewed with new eyes, a new road map so to speak and you will find a way. If you can’t do it alone ask your passenger, if you don’t have one, stop and ask someone passing by – you don’t always have to travel alone!

You are the creator

Life isn’t happening to you it is responding to you. You are the creator of your life story. Make your life a Disney film, a comedy, a love story or an inspirational movie for others, it’s totally your choice but make it!

Everything that happens to you is in response to how you are feeling, actions you take and how you interact with others. If this is a positive experience with love, openly showing emotions and expressing yourself then this is what you will get back. If you give your time to others, they will naturally give time back. If you feel positive, express yourself in a positive manner and think about and plan positive actions that is what you will receive. I don’t need to say the opposite surely, but it’s true.

If you aren’t sure why not put it to the test and consciously think, act, be and give in a way you would like to feel if it was coming to you and see what a difference it makes. You may see how many negative words, phrases, feelings you don’t even realise you use. “I can’t get that because…. I won’t achieve that if…. Don’t do that its….. Please don’t put that…..” Choose your words carefully, don’t tell people what you don’t want, tell them what you do, help them feel good about what they’ve done, even if it isn’t what you wanted or expected and try and turn it into a positive statement rather than a negative one.

What’s the storyboard for this movie, this life you are creator of? Where’s it set, what do you have to put in place to achieve, who do you need to interact with and who may you need to say goodbye to? What do you want this to feel like to yourself and to others? This is your movie, your life, you are script writer, director, actor, cameraman, designer, dresser, makeup artist and sound man and what a movie you can create.

Remember life doesn’t happen to you, it happens because of you. Your actions, words, emotions and how you react to others is what creates your today and your tomorrow. Nobody is forcing you to do anything, it’s a choice and you choose how it pans out. This isn’t always easy and a movie isn’t made overnight but it does always start with a vision, a dream, a burning desire to tell a story. What’s yours?