The fear of fully letting go

The closest I have ever experienced total freedom was jumping from a plane at 14000 feet. You would perhaps expect the noise of wind rushing as you drop through the skies but there is nothing but silence. No sense of the speed you are falling. You are looking down on the world and can see it from a whole new perspective.

With two feet firmly on the floor I struggle letting go. I will always hold back a little bit of me, a bit like having £1000 and keeping £100 in the safe at all times for those moments where you may need it. Self preservation maybe? That’s not being free as that would mean getting down to the last penny and giving that to a stranger.

I am very trusting and I take people at face value and they invariably let me down hence the £100 reserve so how do you give away everything? Faith is all I have in answer to that. I don’t necessarily mean a religious faith, more of a faith that someone somewhere has always got your back. That may be a physical body or not. You have to trust that all you do will effect all that comes back to you. Therefore who you are, what you do, how you talk and care for people is everything you will get in return. Knowing this I look at where I have been and realise that me holding back my percentage for self preservation is telling the world ‘be careful she won’t give you her all’. That’s not being trustworthy, thats being reserved, it’s holding back, it’s hiding. People move on and leave a sense of letting you down but that’s not so, they are just taking their £100 with them.

You also need to realise that not everyone is meant to be in your life and therefore even if you have kept nothing back and you have laid yourself at their feet, naked, for them that may be too much and they aren’t ready to do the same. If they are meant to stay they will. They may hover in the background whilst they tussle with giving their last penny away but if it’s meant to be given to you they will step forward.

I need to sometimes take myself back to that leap of faith I made at 14000 feet  and experience the silence, the stillness, the different viewpoint to remember the emotions and then let them run free. 

I am down to my last penny and I know I want to give it away but oh my word it’s scary. At what price is the final penny? I will never know if I keep it in my pocket.


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