Reflecting forward

It’s a lovely thing looking back, reminiscing, mulling over memories or times gone by. What do most people do with what they see, hear, feel about where they’ve been? Do many people learn and do things differently going forward or do the majority repeat, repeat, repeat, creating patterns which become their past, present and future? I discovered this week that I have been one of the latter which actually was a) quite a surprise, b) an eye opener and c) a huge benefit to move forward. Let me introduce you to Bernard.

Don’t ask me why Bernard, it was a requirement to name this energy, this pattern, this behaviour to be able to release it and me and move forward. One small incident on Monday dragged up a pattern of behaviour I am certainly not proud of but acknowledging it and letting it go (or putting it in the back seat) has just opened a whole new world, a new future and way of being. 

My whole energy came from drama. I was at my best when a crisis occurs. I was a fixer, the superhero who flies in at the last second to save the day. Not a bad job one would think but when that need becomes something you inadvertently create to feel alive its bad.

So let me introduce you to Bernard…. He’s a magnificent energy who has the ability to make me feel alive, he’s fabulous in a crisis, loves the applause and adoration and he’s destructive, he’s dangerous, he’s negative and he’s the me that has to back off. Bernard has the ability to produce highs from nowhere but to do this he creates the lows, the darkest hours, the bleak negativity that makes the highs appear even higher, more exciting and wonderful. He’s destructive. I have spent my life with Bernard from at very least the age of 11 where I learnt the power of the adoration when Bernard is in town and he’s been here on a regular basis and even created my darkest hour. Why? Because in the recesses of my mind visiting the dark place gave rise to a momentous rise back to the top to the applause, the adoration, the “well done haven’t you come a long way”.

Don’t get me wrong he hasn’t taken away the feeling I have of satisfaction, pride, resilience that I have but now I know to tell him to sit in the back seat and hold his tongue because I no longer need the highs and lows, they don’t serve me. I’ve reviewed a great deal of my behaviours to understand Bernard to reflect forward all the good feelings he created and leave him with the drama, the fears, the unnecessary highs and lows. On Monday, after recognising Bernard and seeing him in all his glory and moving him to the back seat I was then stood on solid ground with two feet firmly placed there. I felt grounded, empowered, confident, courageous and most of all at peace. I had told Bernard to get in the back seat, even threatened him with the boot if he didn’t shut up, and I was reborn.

Is Bernard in your life? Is it time to let him go? Are you ready to be free, courageous and standing firm? 

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