Can I walk with you?

­čÄ╝ I love my life. I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am free. I love my life. I am wonderful, I am magical, I am me.

Thank you Robbie Williams for creating a song that reads like my life right now. This was playing on the way home from one of the biggest, most important weeks of my life. A week where it became absolute to me where I am supposed to be in life. My purpose. It’s an enormous emotion when it’s hits you and takes some getting used to. A couple of weeks on and I think I’m finally comfortable with this new version of me.

I give thanks every morning to be in this place. It’s been a long journey with many tears, frustrations, physical and mental bruises and having to face a lot of things I’d rather have avoided (and that includes many things about me). Worth every step now I’m this side of my own fears. 

I wonder how many people in the world are blessed to know what they need to do with their time on this planet. I wonder how many know and how many care. Many are just happy to travel through and make the best life they can and that is absolutely fine but I needed more because I knew there was more for me, I knew I was more than who I saw during that bad time. 

When all you see is bad, depressing, going nowhere and makes you sad to your very core I beg you not to give in. Facing it all and standing up to yourself is the hardest thing you may ever do because in doing that you have to face up to others, make painful decisions and choices and maybe go so far as walking away and beginning again but it can be done. Easy for me to say as I’m in a good place now? Actually no because I know how hard the journey is but is it worth it? Absolutely yes. 

It may not feel like it but there are people willing to listen, help, support and love you even when you can’t love yourself. You just have to choose to change and then ask for help. All I have to give is my experience, my heart to care, a pair of ears to listen and legs to walk alongside someone who’s been courageous enough to say help me change. I am humbled to be trusted to share someone else’s journey and blessed that I’ve had a tough road to understand. 

We are all human after all 

I am independent, courageous and strong and value the solo part of me but no man (or woman) is an island and at times we need physical contact with another human. Loneliness or aloneness? 

I recently led a reiki session and experienced the loneliness they were feeling in their life and, just for a split second, it remained with me; I guess to remind me what it feels like. 

This is how it felt and what I wrote immediately afterwards….. ‘There are times in my day and in my life where I have an overwhelming need to be held. Not sex. Not caressing. Not cuddled. Held. Held so tight I can barely breathe and yet it gives me life. 

There are times in my day and in my life where I need a strong loving man to wrap me in his arms and hold me all night. Not because he loves me but because he cares and is strong enough to carry me through the night with the strength in his arms and his heart. 

There are times in my day and in my life where I just need to be vulnerable. I need to know fear. I need to feel lost. With these come courage, strength and purpose. With these come security in the knowledge that I can take another step, walk forward into the future and be happy in my own aloneness. 

There are times in my day and in my life where I need to be held. Hold me.’

I guess this is to say that every one of us is human, vulnerable and alone and it’s perfectly okay to need others support, love and protection sometimes. You aren’t a lesser person. You aren’t weak. You aren’t losing it. You aren’t desperate. You are human and needing another human to acknowledge you and comfort you is normal. You are okay.  Never forget your humanness. 

A love letter to my ego?´╗┐

My dearest Ego

When you pay me attention my heart skips a beat. When you whisper sweet nothings in my ear it makes me melt. When you call my name I sometimes stumble. I love you. 

Why you ask? That’s simple. You remind me why I’m strong. You remind me why I fight for all I have and all I am. You remind me why every time I fall that I am able to stand back up again. 

For all those times you’ve made me anxious. For all those times you’ve made me needy. For all those times you made me irritate others because of my lack of self esteem and confidence. For all those times you made me defensive. For all those times you made me doubt myself and my words. For all this I love you. 

My darling Ego you give me strength, strength to say no to you and follow what is right for me. You empower me to be a better person when you continually tell me I am not worthy. You make me smile when you say I can’t and I know deep down I can. You make me listen carefully and act on what I hear. You make me strong as you hold me down and I push past your power. You make me laugh when you say the same thing time and time again and expect me to listen.

My darling Ego, thank you for all you have taught me, for being there and helping me create me in my darkest days, for if you had not I wouldn’t be the strong, independent, beautiful, loving and extremely happy and grateful woman I am today. Thank you. 

Love, me x

Step into your fear to find your dream

­čÄ╝Tell the devil that he can go back from where he came. His fiery arrows drew their beat in vain. And when the hardest part is over we’ll be here. And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears.­čÄ╝

These song words resonated loud and clear as I travelled back home after an absolutely epic week where I found me, I found home and I fell in love; in love with me, with all I am, with all I have, with life itself. I look like a giddy 16 year old, free from worry, free from the stresses of life, free from all that has kept me down for so long, yes she, that ego of mine. 

How did this come about then? Surely it’s not an easy process, it’s not magic, it’s not a miracle, it’s not some highbrow business tool. No, it’s belief, it’s realisation that I control my life and no one else and it’s loving myself for what I’ve achieved, how far I’ve come and being grateful for all that held me back for so long, just so I could learn from it all. 

My dreams have become my reality at long last. My dreams are now palpable. My dreams are no longer dreams as they have become my present moment, my now. I stepped into and then through the fear and there they were. The devil, more commonly known as my ego, who has stood in my way for so long has been sent back to where she began and is no longer free to roam and cause havoc. Yes she occasionally shouts quite loud and yes I tend to shout back but she’s caged and I have the only key. 

Your dreams are always alive and waiting but you have to step into your fear to make them a reality. It may be change, it may be facing others opinions, it may be new, it may be letting go but it’s holding you back from where your heart says you should be. You can do this if you take a deep breath and step forward. Fear is only in your head. Fear is only your ego telling you all the reasons you shouldn’t step forward and why you should stay where you are or where you have been. 

Are you willing to risk losing your ego’s approval and following your heart instead? It’s a risk but personally it was the worth the small amount of uncomfortable to be in the place I’m in right now. 

Sorry for being sorry

I have spent much of my adult life apologising. Apologising for who I am, what I’ve said, where I’ve been, what I’ve done and who I’ve done it with or for. How many years does it take to change those words into something more positive? For some a short time, some an eternity and some just never quite achieve it.

What a wonderfully different mindset you can achieve just by thinking about that “I’m sorry” differently and with that thought in mind I would like to share with you a quotation I saw today….

“”Lately I’ve been replacing ‘I’m sorry’ with ‘thank you’s’, like instead of ‘sorry I’m late’ I’ll say ‘thanks for waiting for me’, or instead of ‘sorry for being such a mess’ I’ll say ‘ thank you for loving me and caring about me unconditionally’ and its not only shifted the way I think and feel about myself but also improved my relationships with others who now get to receive my gratitude instead of my negativity (quote from Vijara)

Isn’t this beautiful?┬áI had no idea, until a colleague pointed it out to me some years ago ┬á(thank you Rachael), that I apologised for being me so very often and with that I realised how negative I had become – I was so fixated on desperately┬áwanting to fit in and not upset anyone, my ego found this a great solution – I certainly kept me in my own place as well as irritating those who had to listen to me insipidly apologising, even before I said what I had to say!

Now, whilst I have worked on it over the last five years I know that even now I say it. Today this quotation pulled me up short and I will no longer apologise for who I am, how I live my life, what┬áI think or how I choose to spend my time. This is my life and I am a strong, courageous, loving woman who doesn’t need to excuse herself. I know my own mind, have my own thoughts, do everything with the best intent and with love so why would I ever apologise for being me?

Mrs Ego is a funny thing, I’ve learnt a great deal about her over the last couple of years and whilst she is a permanent house guest I keep her under house arrest as much as possible and do not let her have any form of freedom or escape. If I do I become down on myself, negative, shy, inward looking; I bow my head and allow others to rule my life, rule me. I would very much love to provide her with a hug and an eviction notice but maybe I am not yet far enough along my personal development to be able to do that just yet. What about you?

Where do you sit with self confidence and positivity? Do you find it easy to just say what is inside and not be afraid to stand your ground? Do you apologise for having your own ideas and thoughts and then air them, even when someone else disagrees with you? Are you the one who is a crowd pleaser? Are you the peace keeper but never courageous enough to tell others to sort it out and walk away? Do you apologise on another’s behalf? Do you have a partner or friend who you continually apologise for because of their behaviour instead of speaking with them and allowing them to see their mistakes and deal with them?

I can say this because I lived it. I can say this because it is who I was and I’m ashamed of myself but instead of apologising for who I was I embrace who I have become and say thank you to all those who have taught me and continue to teach me. I listen, I learn and I grow.

 

 

 

 

 

Silent speaking 

I don’t say a lot (although some of my friends may beg to differ) but I listen and I feel. 

I feel your pain, your love, anger and jealousy. I feel you strength, your beauty, your joy and your frustrations. I see inside, deep inside and I know what is trapped, desperate to escape the prison walls of your ego, pride and socially induced thoughts. 

I feel through touch, my skin against yours. My hands listen to what your unconscious mind verbalises through that layer that traps emotions, feelings, thoughts and brings them out and up through me to the universe. 

When you cry inside I feel your pain. When your have joy that you won’t allow to escape I set it free. When you hide in your own head I sit awhile with you in silence. I am your voice. I am your prayers. I am your entrance to the ears of the universe. 

Your energy is one with mine and all other living beings around us but we have to be able to set it free. All those negative or sad or bereft feelings you contain, locked deep in boxes, some never wanting to revisited and opened but open them you must. Only then, when these are empty can they be filled with infinitely more beautful feelings and emotions. Only then can they be filled with what you need for yourself and for others, indeed for all of humanity. Love. Love is the biggest most beautiful energy you can ever experience and it begins with you. 

“Let there be love shared amongst us. Let there be joy in our hearts….. Let there be love.”

One step forward

As we are born, we are born helpless and yet with love and teaching we grow, we develop and we become more and more independent. We learn to eat, to talk to walk. Remember that first step you saw your child take? Remember the emotion it inflamed in your heart? Pride. Happiness. Joy. Fear. Love. Unconditional love. 

Turn this on yourself. When you take a step in life what emotions does it bring? Do you even notice taking them or is it all just ‘what you do’. Have you forgotten how awesome it is to be able to walk? Do you feel your foot on the surface of this earth beneath your feet? Can you feel how your foot moves? Can you feel the pressure, the touch, the surface? 

And how often I wonder, do you take a step back and stop to look at what you have and where you are. I wonder if when you step back you are looking behind and wishing you were back there instead. I wonder if you actually stop and see where you are right now. 

Life is uncertain, uncomfortable even sometimes. Life can be hard. Life can be sad. Life can be all these and more and yet when you decide to step up and step forward it feels a good place to be and the bigger the step the further you travel. The more certain the step the faster you move. The lighter the step the more you enjoy. 

A voyage of discovery 

Finding yourself. How many times in our lives do we take the opportunity to do this? When do we step away from life to simply look inside? How is it possible to change your life if you don’t look at where you are and where you’re going?

To stop and be still is essential to being. To listen to your own silence is part of the journey. To go inside your body and seek out all you need to be is vital, enlightening, courageous and transforming. 

Can you imagine, if you look at your own life, can you imagine yourself as a sunflower in amongst a field of others. Close your eyes and see it. Green, closed, reaching up to find your space in line with others. Tall and straight, trying hard to search for the warmth of the sun to give you life. Then there she is. Warm, bright, life giving, life changing. 

You stand before her and show yourself for the first time. Your roots planted securely in the ground. Your head lifted high. She sends her warm rays, her love, her food of life down upon you and you begin slowly to change. Given time, given warmth and nourishment, given time and space to just grow you begin and the old you is left behind. 

When you can stand side by side with your fellow humans, strong and true, bright and proud, with love shining from you from deep inside you are a beacon of light, of sunshine for others and they will come. They will see you and want to stand and be alongside you. They will want to grow and find their space, their sunshine and become strong and tall and true. Teach them, love them, grow them and what a world we will create. 

On the edge

Stood on the edge. Ahead I can see for miles and miles but no definition or detail of what’s there, just colour and shapes and a sense of peace. Below my feet is solid ground but just one step and I step into a space I cannot define, cannot see, just feel. I have faith that tells me it’s safe so here we go….

With one single bag containing nothing more than things; things I’m not sure I need but they are identity, a little bit of home and necessities (we all need a toothbrush and a hint of mascara). Mind you I don’t think this adventure calls for anything but me and my belief that out there in this awesome universe is a space for me and it can be filled with all sorts of wonders if I just allow it in. 

We hold onto much in life like a huge security blanket. Things we think keep us safe, happy and at peace. These feelings aren’t found in things. We hold onto people who we think are who we need to make us whole and happy. Happiness is being comfortable in your own skin and knowing yourself. We hold onto places thinking that anywhere else is dangerous as it’s not home. Home is inside you so you carry it with you. It’s time to let go and explore. Explore the world, explore a culture other than mine and explore me and find out who I am and what I am capable of. 

I am…. anything and anyone I choose to be

I am…. whole

I am…. enough

I wonder what you would put after ‘I am’? If you’re willing to share with me I’d love to know. 

Time for an adventure

In a weeks time I will be in the heart of the┬áFrench countryside with people I’ve never met, taking part in classes that are new and gifting what I love, my massage and reiki,┬áto my fellow┬átravellers. I’m off to a retreat.

Many would love to take time out and do this, I know because they tell me, so what’s stopping them? Finances? Motivation? Fear? Commitments? Time? Some or all of these could be in their head but do you know if they really want it, they will do it. I’m blessed to be going and won’t waste a second.┬áIt wasn’t so very long ago I would have been appalled at the thought of doing this and yet this new version of me is beyond excited to be going.

This adventure all came from some beautiful photo’s that created a conversation, the joining of two like minded people and my courage to stand up and say who I am, express┬áhow good I am at what I do and their faith in me. If you think that is big headed I really don’t care. I am good at what I do and want to shout out (to anyone who will listen) how important it is for people to have a space to step into to become the person they were, are inside, could be again. I create that space.

I am about to meet people from across this marvellous planet of ours, all with stories of their own, all with reasons for coming together and just being. Learning, growing, being still, taking time, creating space and improving themselves; mind, body and spirit. There are no barriers, this is for everyone who┬á wants to “transform┬áyour existence into a life that matters“.

Why do this? I can only answer for me – it’s time in my life for adventures. I have┬á been to some pretty dark places in recent years and worked damn hard to step into the light. This is my way of celebrating, sharing, forgiving, learning, reflecting, growing, being still, going inside, reaching out into nature and the universe and saying thank you for everything I have. I have been blessed with two amazing children. I am loved. I have good health and I have a gift to share with those who can find themselves and┬áit’s time in my life for┬áadventure to live and no longer just exist.

Taking a week to myself, for myself is selfish? That depends on your viewpoint doesn’t it. Independence? Celebration? Gratitude? Giving? Learning? Loving? Silence? Inner strength? Being a better person to those I come home to? If all this is selfish then I will allow you to call me that but I ask you if you fancy being ‘selfish’ too. It is for everyone, anyone, you, me, him, her, young, old, male, female, strangers, couples, friends; anyone who is seeking “self-discovery and transformation. Time to think, space to breathe, learn to grow”.

What will I learn? What will I do with it all afterwards? How will it impact the future? I guess I can only answer that when I return and reflect. Will I be different? Absolutely yes. Will it be the biggest adventure I’ve ever had? Oh yes. Am I excited? Imagine a bottle of pop that has been shaken and released…. does that tell you? You CAN have this. You CAN find time. You CAN afford it. You CAN become whoever you want to be. Maybe it really is┬áyour time to step into your space.