Take my hand….

Who are you?

I type into a blank screen, sharing my thoughts, my highs and my lows never knowing who is reading, who is reacting for good or for bad, who is helped and who simply closes the screen and moves on. I don’t mind and it doesn’t really matter because if I have impacted one person today then I feel tapping at this keyboard, baring my soul some days to the universe, has served my purpose and in doing that, has served you.

Whilst I talk of my feelings, my emotions, my experiences, my high and lows, my love, my anger and my frustrations, I know that somewhere out there others are experiencing exactly the same thing – I am not alone and neither are you. I listen, I watch, I hear, I feel and I touch. Those who need these gifts from me will receive them, those that do not, won’t – it is as simple as that.

I used to want to help the world – my ego said it was the best way to behave – my ego is a complete ass!

I can only help those in need. I can only help those who connect with who I am and how I experience life. I can only connect with those who want to change. I can only connect if I  keep sharing, no matter how hard and uncomfortable this sometimes is. I can only connect if I am open, honest, truthful and my authentic self. I can only connect if you see, feel, hear and are touched by my written word.

What you see with me is what you get – I may not have all the airs and graces of some, I may not have the image, the looks or the panache of others. I may not be an intellectual, I may not be a high flying business woman. I may not be the best mum in the world and I may not be the most pc. I may not be the most motivational. But…. if you need me I am enough.

So who are you?

Are you overwhelmed by life? Are you wondering how the hell you’ve arrived at where you are? Did you look at yourself in the mirror this morning and wonder where you’ve gone? Did you forget to tell your kids or your partner that you loved them today – how long is it since you said it to them… or yourself? Have you cried this week for no reason? Have you rolled your eyes at bureaucracy stopping you from doing what you need to instead of doing what you need to? Have you lost faith in all around you? Have you lost belief in yourself? Have you stopped learning? Have you stopped laughing? Are you on autopilot through most of your day? Do you live in the past or daydream constantly of what might be?

Come on… talk to me.

Share yourself with me. No one else can hear you. No one else can see you. It is just you and me – I give you space to be, space to talk, space to be silent, space to cry, space to laugh, space to grow and space to shine.

Give me a sign that you are ready for the next part of your journey. It doesn’t have to be public – you can private message me. Just trust me and know that I know where you are, how you feel and am here for you – just you.

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What ya doin?

Right now, right this second what are you doing?

I wonder how many actually had to check as you are on autopilot? I wonder how many are sat playing on your phones? I wonder how many are doing something you love? I wonder how many are worrying about bills, illness, things they have to do later this week or month or year? I wonder how many are worrying about the past? You may see where I am going now….

I wonder how many are present right this second and are neither looking back or forward but just enjoying today, now, right this second. I don’t wish to be negative but I think you are in the minority.

I had a conversation today and I heard myself say how much I live in the present. Well I do, that wasn’t a lie but do I really do it all the time? No of course I don’t – I allow my past behaviours and my ego to join me and they can drag me backwards or force me to look ahead and worry that I am not going to be good enough, successful enough, financially secure and continue to press all those other buttons that set the stress levels heading to the sky. Does it worry me that I am so easily sidetracked? No not really. I am okay with acknowledging that is what I am doing, stop and then forgive myself. I am after all, human.

So often we don’t forgive ourselves and we allow our ego to keep nipping at our heels telling us “see I knew you couldn’t do it”, “I knew you were weak and lacking in discipline”, or “see it’s better this way, life is so much easier”. Tell your ego to do one and take back control.

This present, this now, this right here this second is where you live. You cannot change what has gone, what decisions and choices you made, who you interacted with or didn’t; all you can do with the past is learn from it. The future is only what you make it to be. Second guessing, make believe, day dreaming or deciding what it looks like before you even get there is absolute rubbish and a waste of this precious gift we have – time. Now. It is actually all we have and it’s short and in the blink of an eye you’ve already moved on. What you do, choose, decide, create NOW, IS YOUR FUTURE.

I have lost time with the people most precious to me – my children – because I was always fearing what lay ahead and not dealing with where I was. Always dreaming that life would be better instead of working in that moment to make sure of it. I was always playing “do you remember when…” to try and capture the happy times instead of enjoying the ones I had with me in that moment in space and time. I will not lose any more. Today is a beautiful day because that is how I choose to live it. This second, this hour, this day, this night will not go wasted because I will use every single second I am given to make my world a better place.

Selfish making my world better? No. If I don’t get my own house in order and live the life I profess others to live I’m a charlatan, a fraud, a liar, a sales pitch from one of our 21st Century Guru’s and I am not authentic. That last one to me is the biggest of all. Without authenticity I am nothing. Without authenticity I may as well give up what I do, shut up and go back to day dreaming and what if.

So what’s it to be? Past? Present? Future? Ego or Authenticity?

All you do is talk, talk, talk

So many words. So much chatter. So much noise. This world is simply too much for me sometimes and I need step away, find my personal space and live there for an hour or two. Why you ask? To regain my peace, my sanity, my joy, my perspective, my confidence and my love of humankind. All those things that get side stepped or lost in the noise.

Tell me this, talk to me about that, remind me how wonderful you are and how simple and naïve I am. Overpower me with your clever words and manipulation. Tread on my heart and take away my breath of joy by belittling me once more. Knock me down. Beat me. Give me words, words, words – those ones you think so clever and wise yet are so poisonous and mean. Tell me how great you are, tell me how lowly I am. Talk at me and not to me and make me weak with tiredness and lack of self esteem.

Tell me all this but remember one thing….. I am enough and no matter what you say, how you treat me, how you try and make me feel – I will beat you, beat this feeling because I AM ENOUGH.

How dare you question my integrity! How dare you knock me when I’m down! How dare you take my insecurities and throw them back at me as your weapon! How dare you stand above me to make me feel small! How dare you think you are better than I – we are different and there is no measurement of ‘better’ in this life. Being better in todays world is narrow minded, bitter and says you think and care for no one but yourself. This is not my world and I refuse to live in yours.

I live in the world I talk about. I live and breathe my words. I care. I love. I inspire others. I give. I live not exist. I have joy. I have positivity. I have peace and tranquility. I have a light inside me that I shine for everyone to take some warmth from. I am a beginner in some things and an expert in others and I will ask to understand and I will speak to share what I know. I am brave, I am courageous, I am smart, I am a healer and I am me. Nothing more. I am all I can be and if that is not enough then feel free to walk on by until you find what you seek.

Talk, talk talk and act only when it suits you. When your ego needs caressing, when your ego is feeling sad and small. Talk and fool those around you if you like, but me? I see through you. I see your heart. I know you. I see what you are really made of. I just wish you’d show the rest of the world, all of the time, what I see in brief moments of reality.

I am more than I appear to be. All the world’s strength and power rests inside me. This holds true within you too if only you would put your ego on hold….

 

Looking Inward and Seeing Self

“Inward is not a direction. Inward is a dimension” Sadhguru Jaggi

Holding that mirror up is always a hard thing to do as not everything that shines back sits comfortably. I wanted to share with you if you don’t mind. I don’t have many who will understand but I hope you do.

Okay, so these are thoughts in my head that need to come out so bear with…..

I worked without supervision or a great deal of guidance (apart from the overall picture and goal) for many many years. I ran my own business and made my own decisions (may not be a success but I gave it my thought, my time, my all and I learnt and grew from it). I am an intelligent, thoughtful, caring person and I love what I do – it is my calling, my purpose, my passion – I am a healer. I’m not here to fix things or people but I am here on this wonderful plant to heal it and those on it.

I have never been effective when micro managed or when I’m being made to feel that my thoughts, ideas, dreams or ambitions are unworthy of vocalising or that I am thought of or treated as stupid and unreliable. When I give myself to a project, job, person, group I give all of me. 100% commitment and I live and breathe it. When I choose to work with or for someone they have my total respect, commitment, faith and trust and I expect nothing less in return.

I am not perfect. I am a work in progress. I am learning. I am experiencing. I am listening. I am changing. I am growing. I am positive. I am a fighter. I am an intelligent, wise woman. I am not a child. I am more than I appear to be and I have faith in all I do that it will succeed. I do not give my time to things that will fail. I make choices and I stand by them. I pick myself up and begin again as I learn from my mistakes.

I am here to make a difference.

I cannot survive without oxygen. I cannot grow if stifled. I cannot give if my hands are tied. I cannot be a better version if I do not get to challenge myself.

I used to have to be in control of everything in my life and those around me and now have learnt to let go. I am not the expert in everything and I have to accept others know more, can give more, have more experiences and skills to share – not better but different and I have to embrace that. I have to stand back and watch myself and my life and be honest to admit my faults and short comings and failings but also recognise my gifts and use them however they best serve me and those I work with, care for or love.

I am on a journey and the road ahead is not at all clear. I’m comfortable with that as I know the universe and god will keep me safe, true and on track. I have much to do before I leave this planet and I am ready.

I look in the mirror and I do not like all I see within me or around me so I am reviewing and changing. Another version of me maybe? I need to challenge me every day – who I am, what I do, where I am going and I expect others to challenge me too – if they are willing to do the same with themselves. I will not be kicked, trodden on or allow others to make me feel like I don’t have worth, don’t belong or cannot achieve all I strive for.

Doing the work I do I am faced with others gifts, shortcomings, failings and words and sometimes they sit comfortably and sometimes, especially when they act as a mirror to my own, they do not. That is not a reason to ignore them. Uncomfortable is good.

I cannot do this journey alone, nor do I wish to. I hope that my friends, family and colleagues will walk alongside.

Who walks with you? I will.

Version 2.0

To breathe, a breath, is the very beginning of you. When you and I came into the world the very first thing we did was take a breath and yet as we age and allow life to get complicated and take over, we forget that very simple beginning. When you do stop, take in that air from the universe around you and breathe out all that you have been holding in, it’s the most magical, transforming breath you have ever taken since the very beginning of your life; this life you have before you. A rebirth? A new lease of life? A new beginning. For me it’s Version 2.0.

When I realised my life was going oh so very wrong, to be shown that stopping, reflecting and then taking a breath would be my life saver was a momentous occasion and now it’s time to pay that forward.

What I do really is not magical, it’s certainly not clever or rocket science. It is simply taking someone like you by the hand to slow you down, standing back to give you the space you need and then, in time with yours, taking a breath. If you are ready, if you are willing, if you can open your mind and your heart to the fact that life doesn’t have to stay the same when you give yourself the gift of choice. We will breathe like never before. The universe will fill our lungs that have been tight and constricted; the universe will give life to the deepest, darkest spaces and light will appear.

No this isn’t some hippie, out there sh*t – this is back to basics, back to the dawn of your first day and re-teaching you to do what came naturally at that first moment you came into the world. This is enabling you to begin again.

I’m living my Version 2.0 life and in fact have probably installed upgrades often to fix bugs and errors many times since but the version I am is now so far removed from 1.0 it’s almost feeling like a total reboot. Almost but quite a total reboot as I have carried with me learning and traits that serve me and therefore serve those around me. I don’t have a manual, I don’t have a set of instructions, this version upgrade is all about you and we begin from where you currently are and what fabulous basics you already hold inside you.

So what am I offering? My time, my space, my conviction that everyone can breathe a new breath if they choose to and my faith that every person out there struggling with the bugs and irritants in their current version deserves, is worthy of and can be anything they choose to be. Need an upgrade?

 

 

Let my light shine

I have a beautiful poem on my wall opposite where I sit to work each day and the line I’m drawn to today is “and as I let my own light shine I unconsciously give other people permission to do the same”.

As you may have guessed I’m that woman in the street that smiles at you as I pass even though we don’t know each other; says good morning to you, the stranger; says thank you if you let me out in traffic; will stop and ask you if you are okay if I see you sad or upset in the street or the one who simply catches your eye to let you know someone has seen you today.

I’m quite infuriating when you are desperately trying to be misterable, when you want to be angry with the world or would rather wallow in your own life sh*t. You hate me I know, when I remind you that even though today feels bad, there is someone looking out for you and sharing some of their happiness with you. I simply don’t care that you feel that way!

Why don’t I care and why am I so nauseatingly ambitious in making your day better? Simple. I was the stranger I now talk to. I wallowed, I moaned, I was negative even about the good things, I didn’t appreciate what I had, I decided life wasn’t helping me or giving me any breaks. And I wondered why my life was so miserable?

Certain people arrived in my life and caught my eye, said good morning, made me roll my eyes with their cheerful hello and created nausea inside me when they were always positive. Thank god they never gave up. Positivity, smiles and loving dispositions are contagious and no matter how hard you try to avoid this disease, you will eventually succumb.

If I shine my light in a dark room and even just one person feels its warmth making them feel better than my purpose is not in vain. If they choose to stay in darkness that is fine, we all have choice but I hope that they will begin to warm, grow and become contagious themselves and infect another with their smile and positivity.

You don’t have to whoop whoop, you don’t have to always wear a smile and you can still have down days but how you choose to deal with those is what makes the difference. I hope with all my heart that my light is bright enough even for one person today and wish you a beautiful day.

How do I keep my light shining? I simply begin with thank you each day and it begins….

From your mouth…..

I love the expression “from your mouth to Gods ears”. I heard it first in my all time favourite film Fiddler on the Roof. It encompasses all we talk about today with manifestation and the laws of attraction as it suggests that what we speak God (your God, my God, the universe – whatever you know it by) comes true. Do you actually believe that I wonder?

If the answer is a straight no – I would probably suggest you leave now or this may irritate you completely……

If the answer is a maybe – read on as it may help you form an opinion one way or the other.

If the answer is a big, fat yes – I would love you to actually take two minutes and share it with everyone here in the magical ether of blog world.

I, as you can probably tell, am a believer and I know that what we think, what we speak and what we give to the universe, the universe delivers. I was a total sceptic and for many years spent so long sat in my own sh*t, wondering why me, how unlucky I was, why, why, why….. and part of me longed to be like those who had a good life, part of me wished them more and part of me was as jealous as hell because it wasn’t me. Why wasn’t it me? Simple. I was thinking and speaking with words like, sad, penniless, miserable, depressed, hard done by, unlucky and so on – no prizes for guessing what the universe gave me.

I have over the last six years changed my thoughts, been careful with words and thoughts and deeds and gradually, as I have learnt and practised positivity and gratitude, my life has changed. Guess how many times you are negative in a day? Think about it, really think about it….. your first thought on a Monday morning? Is it about who you don’t want to go to work, how boring your job is or what tireless things have you to do before the weekend comes again? 

What about if you really thought about what you think, would you feel like changing? What if you really thought about what you think, would you be surprised at your thoughts? Would you be happy with the tone of your thoughts? Are you comfortable that you think in a positive way? 

When you have your conversations, or when you live inside your own thoughts today just allow yourself to be conscious of how and what you are thinking. If you begin to speak and the words are negative, stop, change them and ask yourself how to say it in a positive way or just don’t continue. 

Thoughts, words, actions are heard by the universe…. what are you saying?

 

Just a vessel…..

I saw a lovely quote today about what a therapist does and it got me thinking…. what do I actually do to earn a living?

I’m nothing more than a vessel….

That doesn’t sound very productive, satisfying or fruitful when you put it like that does it. God do I actually do anything or am I a fraud, just someone pretending they can heal and serve people?

It’s an uncomfortable place I am sitting in even contemplating this. Why uncomfortable? Because the only proof I have that I do anything is the person I am working with. They feel better yes but have I done anything or is this just the placebo effect? Does it really matter which it is? So many thoughts and questions and bundles of self doubt….

Many questions, many self doubts, many answers that could be given.

So lets contemplate what I actually do? Physically I massage and relax. Emotionally I empower someone to face and release. Energetically I shift, I slow down, I speed up. Mentally I create breath. Spiritually I allow peace to settle in. Okay so that sounds like I’m dong something right?

Let’s think about this. Someone comes to me, they are a businessman or woman;  they are someone struggling with bereavement; they are mentally exhausted; they are stressed, overworked or overwhelmed. They are trying to be many things to many people. There is noise in their heads and they can no longer hear anything or anyone never mind think straight or find peace. They know that change is required for them to be a better person, feel better, be present, love, laugh, live. They don’t know what to do to find that because the noise is too loud to even concentrate. They call me…

I invite them to my treatment room, my quiet space and we talk. Nothing more. We need to see if there is a connection. They have to feel comfortable with me and I have to know they are ready.

Only then can the magic begin and we begin their journey with a massage. This is not your sports massage or your deep tissue – this is pressure, weight, a slow and firm and flowing pressure; this is creating a space in their heads, not for them to think but for them to breathe; allowing energy from the universe to travel through me to them and vice versa. Making a safe space for them to open emotional boxes they have kept locked; say something, everything or nothing. That is the joy this isn’t about me or what I want them to do, this is about me creating a space for them to do; learn to do; try to do whatever they need to reach the point they need to be at.

After that we may do sessions where we walk and talk, we may try some reiki, we may stick to massage or we may just catch up once a week on skype to check in and talk through anything that has cropped up during the week. We keep in touch. We build a relationship. We communicate. We do whatever is required.

Oh! I am a vessel. Not a hollow, useless one but a safe, quiet, gentle, loving vessel that someone who needs to change can utilise to find themselves, to heal themselves, to be themselves; to be.

Wow I love my job. No! I don’t have a job – I have a passion, a calling, a purpose.

 

 

 

 

 

The Blink of an Eye or Forever?

How long does it take someone to let go? For some it can take a lifetime and for some in the blink of an eye.   Firstly let’s see if you are asking this of someone else or yourself. Are you living with someone, working with someone, loving someone who is in need of letting go? If you are, let me make it clear that you should never put a timeframe on their transformation as it is none of your business – this is their personal journey. All you can do is be there and walk alongside them.  Also realise that you should never try to put a timeframe on your own journey…. you will always feel a failure as it will always feel it is taking too long.

We live in a world of instant gratification and yet some things simply take a while and you have to let them take all the time they need. Acceptance of this is key to letting the process evolve. Acceptance that at some point they or you will find a time and place where it’s that moment and all you can do is simply surrender to all you are holding in and it flows from you, either in tears, thoughts, anger, or simply a breath that seems to go on forever. It will be as though your body can contain it no more and it has to come out. It would be like trying to hold back a dam with your hands – impossible.

If you know there is work to be done then you are already taking huge steps to change, grow, transform. That recognition alone is a long way down your experience so acknowledge that and give yourself a well done pat on the back. If you feel you are making progress then be grateful for how far you have come. Never look back unless it is to see how far you have already progressed – sometimes it’s good to take a glance over your shoulder as it is easy to forget how many battles you have won and how many changes, even small ones, you have already made.

If I look over my shoulder I can’t even see the me I was and unless someone shows me a photo or brings up something from the past I have no recollection of the person I was then – not even six years ago, in fact maybe not even three and hell anything farther back and I simply don’t exist. It is like someone has given me a new body, a new headspace and a new pair of eyes to see my world with. I do see me from my early 20’s as that is where I was at my happiest and most comfortable and most free. The she then is the me now with some additions and I love her.

It is possible to change. It is possible to become a new person or simply regain the person inside that you loved being the most. Whatever you think or say and believe, you can achieve. You have to believe that to even begin to move, to transform, to grow, to be. You have to recognise there is magic inside each and every one of us that allows us to not just reinvent who we are but regrow a new you from the inside out – but there is the key – it has to come from the inside and it has to come from inside you which is why no matter how much nagging, imploring, cajoling others do – it has to be time and you have to feel the desire from the very core of your soul. A ‘nice to have’ is not enough. This has to burn inside you so brightly that you cannot help but begin to shine and shine you will.

You may hear a piece of music, read a book, watch a film, see a photograph. You may be inspired by another’s achievements, you may simply reach rock bottom and have no choice but move. There are many triggers and they will be different for everyone. For me there was a simply resignation that I could call it a day or change and the former was not an option, I had to be there for my kids but I had to be a better version – I had to be more – I was more – I knew it and I stepped through that door called fear and found another space on the other side that was really very beautiful and I stayed a while….

I still have moments of release and letting go of things I hold onto inside and I accept that to be the best I can be I have to change, I have to let go, I have to learn and I have to make some tough decisions sometimes. But, I have always found that through those doors of choice there is always another room full of possibilities – all I have to do is choose which one I go with next. If you hand is on the door handle, turn it. If you are stood by the door reach out. If you are in the middle of the room, when you get the urge take one step…. it’s all it takes and when you feel that something growing inside and needing to get out, don’t be afraid – find your courage and let it go….. I wish you well on your journey.

 

 

 

 

 

….but giving life

If yesterday was the beginning of letting go, today was the release. Deep rooted, gut wrenching, sorrow filled sobbing. I guess letting go means that you have to empty all that you are, all that you have inside  and only then can you have truly released all.

It began with a massage yesterday and I felt from the very core of me, deep inside my womb the stirring of a memory. It was astonishingly realistic and I guess that’s because to my physical and mental being, my daughter was real. She may have lived for only a short time and then became a memory but my body remembered her.

It ended with a massage. As with yesterday, when deeply relaxed and in another world the stirring began and I knew this was it… she wanted to go home and yet I wanted to hold her hand a little while more. That voice inside told me it was time and with a wrenching deep inside, just like giving birth to her, she was free. It was the most surreal experience, so real and yet just an emotional energy being released from the first home she knew.

The tears began and even though I stifled them, I held them in, I breathed to keep myself calm, they were out; she was free and I had to let her go. With her went my love, my heart, my soul and I asked the universe to keep her safe. Sobbing like a child, I had to just let the tears roll uncontrollably down my cheeks until the breathing settled, a calm was felt and my baby was gone.

She’s gone home but always here, just around me rather than kept inside. I was keeping her from moving on and in turn keeping myself in the same state. I had to take the responsibility of being a mummy and let her go, just as you do when they take their first steps, start school or find a love of their own. Letting go so they can fulfil their own destiny.

I thought I’d feel lost and empty and sad but I actually feel calm, peaceful and silent. A foundation for a feeling I thought wouldn’t come. Life from death. It can take a moment or forever but you have to choose it, you have to release whatever your hurt is and you have to say thank you for all you’ve gained from that moment in time; for me, five months where it was just she and I. My Sarah.