Orgasmic Thinking

I do not apologise for the opening paragraph – if you are sensitive then this will be too much and perhaps best you stop reading now.

“When every emotion rolls into one huge expanse and the explosion created is silent and huge. It feels like it’s above you, part of you but higher. If it was a colour it would be crimson red with a vortex of gold swirling through its core like the man between your thighs. It’s breath. A breath that is held for an eternity, suspended but never exhaustive. Control is no longer possible and surrender is inevitable. The place where there are no thoughts. No words. The silence is deafening and the world has just stopped spinning, for a split second there is a stillness and then a release. Physically it’s powerful, it’s vibration, it’s atoms bouncing against atoms and no longer possible to control. It’s where you take me.”

We are passionate beings. We are creative beings. We are intelligent beings. We think both logically and outside the box. We speak many languages and can share a million variations on a theme. We are alone and yet we can be together as one. We are human.

And yet…. we can be afraid to dig deep into the very core of who we are and what we are to express ourselves. It’s not nice, not polite, not encouraged.

And yet…. it is creation itself. It is where we all begin. It is life – vivacious, creative, amazingly beautiful life.

This is not about creation or pleasure – this is about creativity and the passion with which we live or at very least, should live, our lives. How do you live yours? Have you grabbed life with both hands and put into it every ounce of passion and creativity that you have inside you or have you accepted that what you have and do as “this is the best I can have”? This is no judgement – this is facing you with you and asking if you are living life to the fullest of its potential.

I watched a video this morning of a young man, not even beginning his career, cut down by cancer and three weeks to get treatment or die. Harsh, yes? He was a total inspiration to me because he intended to attack what he has left with passion and not give up and just exist in what time he has. He talked about “standing on the shoulders of giants…because we are lifted up and borne upon the gigantic stature of and knowledge of those who went before”. He talked about “daring to make a difference”. He talked about “life being about those who do the deed, put themselves in places that are hard, scary, and difficult and if they fail at least they do so while daring greatly”. He spoke of “moral strength; not giving up when its easier to; of facing the fear of falling short, being a fool, not being enough and facing these every day”. He was a young man living, even with a death sentence on his shoulders.

We are creation. We are born from that ‘crimson red with a vortex of gold swirling through its core’ and none of us get out of life alive, so be gracious, be courageous, gallant and great; learn from those who have gone before you and those who walk beside you. The future, your future, is in your hands – be ambitious, continue to grow and work with passion and pride as we don’t know where we might end up tomorrow.

We began from a brief second of silence that filled the universe and we end the same way. Don’t waste the beautiful noise of life in-between.





Music – the emotion of the soul

Music is…

If you have read my blogs before you will know that music is hugely important to me. It is part of my past, my present and now also my future. My music choices are extremely eclectic and I love everything from musicals and classical, through heavy rock to jazz. It makes me human and I express my emotions through it; in fact as Justin R. Melville states in the attached link, it “connects you to an emotion”.

I was always surrounded by music, I had the radio on, or my own personal music playing and my iPod attached to me 24/7. I used to fall asleep to music and I woke to it. I sang. I hummed. I ate and slept with music and then…. I stopped. I didn’t even realise I had lost my music but when I look back now I lost my music when I lost my mind. When diagnosed with depression I lost my heart and I lost my connection with my emotions – it was safer to stay away from those. I lost the ability to feel. I lost the ability to create. I lost the ability to express myself in any shape or form. I used to express myself through all things creative and then I simply forgot how to do it.

Recently I woke up and realised that to be me I need music. I needed to listen to the music playing in my soul and soon found that it was creeping out and I found myself humming in the car or singing in the shower. (In fact these were the moments when I realised that I had actually lost the tune inside me – that made me sad).

I have recently found a ‘Singing for Wellbeing’ session and attended with a little apprehension but curiosity. Oh my – singing releases all you hold onto inside and sets you free!

At first I was quite tentative and I was acutely aware of the sound coming from me, compared to the exquisite sound coming from my right and left but then I realised this was safe, this was a group of people all feeling like I did and I began to relax. As the words ran across my tongue and my lips the melody grabbed hold of my heart and squeezed and the harmony ran inside my veins and it felt like I was suddenly alive again. To hear this group of non-singers, mostly strangers, join together in noise and end up, in a very short space of time, harmonising tunefully and with passion and freedom was an absolute delight.

Music is a language and just as speech or movement, it creates a means of expression. Think about it. When you are happy you can catch yourself singing along to a favourite tune; when you are sad or have fallen out of love you find those powerful ballads that can reduce you to tears and allow the sadness out; when you are angry putting all that aggression behind a song releases it out and you calm down.

Music is also a physical exercise in that you are using your stomach muscles and lungs in ways that you don’t tend to do in everyday life; it helps mental acuity and is a superb therapy for those with dementia and finally it helps with your breath. Think how many times you hold your breath when you are stressed, or experience shallow breath in the upper chest when you are anxious or panicking – singing encourages you to breathe and acts as a mood enhancer and brings about a new state of mind.

When was the last time you sang? Maybe you’ve never tried? Maybe you’ve been told you shouldn’t? Maybe, just maybe, you’d love it….

Music is an extraordinary vehicle for expressing emotion – very powerful emotions. That’s what draws millions of people towards it. And, um, I found myself always going for these darker places and – people identify with that.” ―Annie Lennox

Remember to look up at the stars

“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious, and however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up.” ~ Stephen Hawking

One of the greatest minds of all times and yet the body around it was so very limited. When you only have a mind that you can do something with, you use it. Why then, when so many of us are able bodied do we forget this one important gift that the universe has provided. Thought. Ideas. Creativity. Inspiration.

This tremendously important man has left us in body but now he joins the his beloved universe and gets to see it all from a different angle. Now he gets to roam in all that he so wonderfully philosophised over in his lifetime. What a perfect gift to a man who gave this tiny particle of the universe so much.

We can through choice and circumstance, trap ourselves within ourselves and yet when trapped beyond our control we begin to use the other parts of ourselves that we dismissed before or didn’t even know existed. When we no longer have the ability to investigate this planet on a physical level we can investigate in our minds eye and create thoughts, discussion, inspiration and ideas beyond that of the average man. We are inspired to use what we have to see what others are blind to and then we share it with the world.

“Without imperfection, you or I would not exist” – On Into The Universe With Stephen Hawking, The Discovery Channel, 2010

We battle with imperfection every day – why am I not perfect? We give so much time and effort trying to be perfect that we don’t even begin to look at what those imperfections give way to. I look at my son in a crowd of others teenagers his age and wonder which he is – they have cloned themselves in their hairstyle, their image, their body shape, the brand of clothing and so on. Whatever happened to being an individual and standing up tall to say “I am different and I am proud”.  We fear individuality and we fear imperfection and yet this man embraced both and spoke his truth – I just hope we as a planet listen.

He once wrote that he had motor neurone disease for practically all his adult life but said that it had not stopped him having an attractive family and being successful in his work. “It shows,” he said, “that one need not lose hope.”

We give up so easily – on life, on people, on society and on ourselves. If it isn’t instant, doesn’t work to absolute perfection or is in some way damaged, physically or mentally, we cast it aside – it doesn’t matter whether that is animal, mineral or vegetable. We do not see worth in someone or something that doesn’t give us this so called “perfect” state of existence and yet here was a man who was told he would be gone from this earth in a number of short years after his diagnosis – he never gave up hope and fulfilled his purpose. Not only did he hold a light for himself, he held a light for the world to see each other and all our potential as a human race. We better not disappoint…..

So, to Stephen Hawing I raise a glass and bow my head in total respect. For his strength, his courage, his bloody mindedness, his humour, his desire to live every second as if it was the only one he had and his absolutely stunning mind. We have so much to be thankful for every day but today we should add Professor Stephen Hawking to that list – he lives on in books, on screen, in science, in us and now…. in his beloved universe.

RIP Professor Hawking.






And there she is….

What a glorious moment of enlightenment when you realise you have already become who you were trying to be and you are exactly all you need to be to move on.

I have been experiencing much change recently – in my thoughts, in my speech, my actions, as well as in my career, in my desire to be better and within my very soul. Searching. Always searching. Desperately looking for the right path to walk along, choosing the direction that ensures success. When will I know? When will I be enough? When will my dreams become a reality? When? When? When?

I am bold colours – red and purple and burnt orange. I am flow. I am creativity. I am song and dance and music. I am a light that burns simply to light up someone elses world. I am so much brighter, bolder, free spirited and funnier than the middle aged, middle class, neat and tidy woman I have allowed myself to become. I am noise and chaos and uncertainty. I am boho, unconventional, free spirited and not conservative, hesitant or fearful. I am the 16 year old me who said F**k It to looking like, behaving like, living like, her peers.

I may be older on the outside but I know to be true to myself and those I love, I have to ensure I allow the 16 year old me to breathe again. And I don’t mean trying to be someone so much younger than I am – I mean revisit that bold, sassy, devil may care young woman who lived and breathed creativity and passion. The one who followed her heart and her gut. The one who loved life and the people in it just as they were – no questions, no changing that which just was.

If I changed where I lived or what I did or cast aside the “expected” actions of a 52 year old woman what would I bring to the table? Today I discovered the answer…. ME. If I never massaged again or gave a reiki session or talked someone through their issues in the same format as I do today, does that mean I am no longer a healer? Does it mean I am giving up on all I have trained to be? Have I wasted five years of my life? Have I given up on my purpose? No it does not! It means I have all those skills, those lessons, those gifts wherever I go and however I work or live. How? I carry them within me. They are me to the very core. Wherever I go, whatever I do, however I do it, I always take me and that is enough to be fulfilled, giving to those who need me and living – really living.

New doesn’t mean throwing away all you have done or trained to be, it means giving it in abundance, but in a different way. So instead of trying to fit who you are and how you work in the same way but in a different environment, why not take all you have and all you are and allow the new environment to allow you to express the same skills, mindset or gifts in the way it needs. Express yourself, mould around and within your environment and stop trying to force fit what you see or who you are, into a new space. Flow freely and the space you are in will allow you to fit within it so beautifully you will wonder why you didn’t try it sooner.

It is who you are and what you have learnt that enables you to move on, try new things, and be inventive and creative in your thinking and ideas about the future. Think how to take what you have and who you are to a new environment but in a different way and not be compelled to stay in a word you no longer fit. You are the important factor and you my friend, are enough.






Abuse in its Rawest Form

“I stepped away from my children because they were better off without me. I allowed depression to rule my life. I am less of a woman than I should be. I couldn’t hold onto a much wanted child. I shunned those who held their hand out to help. I am worthless. I didn’t grieve properly for my mum for 15 years – how could I be so heartless. I couldn’t make or didn’t try to make my marriage work. I am useless. I didn’t do enough to help others. I am unworthy of love. I am unworthy of life”

OMG this used to be, how I thought of my life but really it was all about me – every minute of every day I was self indulgent in my wallowing of self pity and victim mode. I beat myself verbally and in thought all day, every day. I abused the one person who could save me….. ME. This was self abuse in its rawest form.

“I am bold, I am intelligent, I am beautiful. I am enough. I have discovered my purpose and I live that each and every day. I love and breathe my values – trust, honesty, authenticity and integrity. I am blessed to have a gift I can share with anyone who needs it. I love my family. I love my friends. I love life. More importantly – I love me!”

Those are my words from the here and now. How did I get there?

I forgave myself….

I forgave myself for how I was feeling – it is okay to be low, to feel sad, to feel worthless or to feel unworthy of others love and attention. Are you mad I hear to say – it is most definitely NOT okay! Actually it is quite okay and quite normal and many people, in many parts of the world feel like this every day. What is not okay is staying there. What is not okay is wallowing in it for so long that you lose all you are. What is not okay is inflicting that on those around you by making it their issue, their fault somehow. What is not okay is allowing yourself to live this lie that you have created. What is not okay is hurting everyone who trys to stand by you.

You have to forgive yourself.

Only when you forgive yourself can you begin to see through new eyes and begin to be grateful for what you have and what and who you are. Only then can you begin to take a baby step into yourself. Only then can you surrender and give up control and breathe. It will be the longest, deepest, most gorgeous breath you will ever take. For me it was red, it was rich, it was velvety and warm and it made me feel alive for the first time in many years.

As I write I realise that I have just described blood – and I guess that is what it was like – a blood transfusion that takes away all that I had poisoned myself with over the years and what was fed back in was new, it was another chance, a life saver.

The surrender was terrifying – I don’t deny that – the surrender was letting go of all the dark, the negativity, the bad taste in my mouth as I spoke, the not being able to look at myself in the mirror and smile, the vitriolic sniping I gave to myself as I tried to get through my day and the hate, the absolute hate of who I had become.

and yet…. the surrender was magical, uplifting, magnificent, and I felt fresh, bold, courageous and inspired to become the person I had locked away to protect her from myself.

Being unforgiving is the highest form of self abuse! If you cannot forgive yourself for your thoughts or feelings or lack of ability to get through the day without crying, you will never, ever have a better day.

We are only human and humans are not perfect, we are not invincible. To feel is to be human and to feel is to know you are still alive and to feel is to know that there is more to life than where you are. To feel is to be human and with being human comes the ability to choose, to forgive, to love. To stand in front of yourself and say “do you know today you did okay” is an amazing beginning to being a happy human and that is all we all really desire from life I think.





“The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way”

I love it when you put out to the universe (intentionally or otherwise) something that is a total frustration or blockage to your thinking – shouting out, asking for an answer – and then by chance the answer flies into the room and knocks you sideways. I love Monday’s as that happened this morning!

I was wrestling with some life stuff first thing and had a call scheduled for a possible future work venture / adventure and in the middle of all that came a picture, a word, a number and a question – all of which totally aligned my thoughts and gave me clarity. No, not the answer I was looking for but guidance, a different way of looking at my question and food for thought.

  • The picture – two hands and a baby bump
  • The number – 124
  • The word – devotion
  • The question – am I willing to pay the price of my devotion?

Now what these would mean to you would be very different to what they mean to me and I am not for sharing the thoughts behind them – they are too personal at the minute – but let me just say these four random, universal messages, opened a part of my thought processes that I didn’t think were connected to my question. Totally random and yet weirdly connected.

Serendipity came knocking and thankfully I not only opened the door but I welcomed her in and asked her to stay for tea. We need to talk….

Mondays can be such dark days, having to stumble out of your weekend thoughts and actions into what can be a daunting start of a working week for many people. Mondays aren’t always for looking out for ‘signs’, triggers for creativity or just plain ‘in your face’ messages from the world around you to do something different, think something different, behave differently and kick start an adventure.

Mondays are for putting on the happy mask, getting through, creating a façade of enjoyment, enthusiasm or love for what you are doing, aren’t they?

Not for me…. Mondays are a day of asking what could the week hold if I give it a chance, where am I going to end up by Friday, what magical possibilities lie ahead today and how much fun will I have on the way. Mondays are for dreams and endless adventures. Mondays are for beginning something new, being someone new – a more positive, proactive, happy you. Mondays are for pursuing dreams, inspiring others, giggling, success, acting on gut or intuition.

Mondays are for inviting serendipity to come to tea!






She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain

There are many times when what we have in front of us is just too big and we scratch our heads trying to resolve it. This could be an emotional issue, whether this evolved into a mental or physical issue; it could be a business decision or problem that is simply defeating or paralysing us or our business; or it could be a life choice that will have a ripple effect across your life. Heaven forbid it should be all three areas but it can be the case.

I have been there and I am there again to a certain degree. Decisions and choices are looking me straight in the eye and they feel huge – too huge which in itself creates that overwhelm we see can so often. So I meditate, as I do when I need to clear my head to allow the possible solutions in, and in pops the mountain ahead of me…

So choice number one: go over it…. I can’t go over it, it is too high, too dangerous and just feels like too big a climb for me (I am a solo adventurer here).

Choice two: go through it… chip away at all the small things and hope that eventually I reach the other side… do I have the energy or the time or the capacity for the enormity of this? I don’t think so.

Choice three: I go under it (you can see where this is going?)… as per the ‘going through’ idea, it will be a lot of hard work and if I don’t shore the roof up it could all collapse on my head.

Choice four: go around it…. flow like a river and go round it…. simple when you put it that way!

“You have the capacity to flow around any obstacle. This is the time to adapt.”

If you can be like the rivers that flow around mountains naturally, you will move past the obstacle relatively quickly, especially when you choose the easy way round. But, if you do decide on one of the other routes do it step by step and opt for the right choices at each stage.

I’m going round the mountain….




Me Too? Are you feeling empowered?

I was theming my social media posts today and the word “Empowerment” came to me and I looked it up…. “the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights”. My question today is whether you actually feel empowered or allow yourself to be empowered. This led my thoughts to wander to the stories I am seeing in the media at the moment about change and empowerment and the rights of women and looked back to those women who changed the world I now live in and wonder what we have done with what they gave.

Suffragettes is a spectacular film – whether you are male or female if you haven’t seen it please I implore you, go watch it and really take in what these women gave up to give us what we have today and then ask yourself what we have done with that gift.

The recent Me Too campaign (if that is the right thing to call it) showed today’s version of the Suffragette, standing up for themselves and other women and whilst I applaud them I wonder how empowered we really feel. No I am not just speaking to the ladies here – you men out there, are you feeling empowered to make change or disempowered by the women around you? I wonder if its either one way or the other or can we all feel empowered and find balance?

Do we have to have domination from either sex? Should one always lead and the other follow? Could there ever be a day when it is a truly shared lifestyle, true harmony or am I asking for some idealistic fantasy to become reality? How do we get to any kind of ideal state? I think it is just by taking one step at a time and by controlling and living our own lives, being fair, standing up for what we feel is right and treating others around us with respect. Maybe I am too simplistic but why complicate things….

I hold doors open for people, male or female, adult or child because I would like someone to hold  the door open for me. I smile and say good morning to people whether I know them or not because I’d like someone to smile and acknowledge me. When I say how are you, I wait for the answer and don’t simply move on the conversation – if I don’t have time or I really am not interested, I simply don’t ask. I am honest in my speech. If someone asks me a question I answer it as I see it, not as I think they want me to answer – this is not always a winner but at least it’s honest. If I love someone, whether passionately or as a friend, I tell them because I’d like to know if someone felt that way about me. I want to matter so presume others do too.  I stand up for the underdog because everyone deserves a voice. I admonish if I feel what is being said or done is unjust or plain rude.

If someone treats me badly or disrespectfully I tell them and explain why and what they should be doing – do I care whether they like it – not really – do I care whether they react differently because of it – yes but I won’t lose sleep if they don’t – they are responsible for their own lives and actions and all I can do is influence – it is their choice to do something with it.

I do not ask someone else to be like me. I do not expect someone else to think like me. I do not ask others to behave the same way. I do not expect everyone to like me. I just hope that if I treat people right, with respect and with love, then they will do the same with me and others who cross their life path. I can do no more than that. I know that if everyone played their part, this world eventually become a kinder, fairer, more beautiful place – utopia here we come? Who knows – not in my lifetime – but then the suffragettes didn’t give themselves for just their time, they gave for every woman who came after them – I can do the same.

Gentlemen, and I call you that out of respect for who you truly are, please do not feel you have to step back, do not feel you have to become less than who you are, just ask yourself if you are treating others as you would like your mother, wife, sister, daughter, niece or granddaughter treated. Think about it….. then act accordingly.

Ladies, and I call you that because that is who we are, we are not chavs or birds or the missus, we are more than a label. We are more than we are told we are. We are more than sometimes we allow to be seen. We are more. No matter how you feel right now, get up, get dressed, show up to life and be the person these women in our past allowed us to be. We don’t need to fight or shout or be better than a man to be the best version of ourselves. We just have to live the right way, respect ourselves first and then respect others the same way. We simply have to stand by each other, man, woman or child and be good people.

I thank the stars that my mother instilled in me to be myself, no matter how hard that is sometimes. To be true, to stand alone if I have to, to put up with the bullies, the ones who knock me down for standing out and standing up and for knowing I have a voice. I am only just starting to use it and it is scary but if I don’t speak up for what is right in my world how can I expect my word to change or be a better place for my children and theirs. If we always leave it for someone else, I know nothing will get done. Thank you mum for creating a strong, independent child who is now discovering how to be a strong, independent woman with a heart and values and the knowledge that I can create change.


Step Away From the Light

Sometimes when I sit down to write I have absolutely nothing to write about and then into my head pops a title. I have spent a wonderful day massaging and having lunch with a very deserving lady who really has and still battles with her fair share of life challenges, so why this subject?

I’m just going to let the words come as I have nothing, genuinely nothing, to say on this matter…..

A spotlight is used on stage to highlight, give focus, make stand out, present, put centre stage the person or object it shines on. Why? Because that is where they want you to look and where you should allow your concentration to go.

Do I love to be there – no! Quite simply that is my idea of torture but if I have to be there I find it very easy to step into the light and do what is needed. I am much happier if I step away from the light and beaver quietly away where no one really notices me but notices that things get done, they feel better or life is just somehow brighter. I don’t need them to know its me, it’s not about me. I am all about making someone else feel better about themselves or their life.

When to step into the light, step into your space and step into your power? When you are at your most uncomfortable or when you are ready to take on the world? In my opinion that is a personal choice. I will do it when I have something to say, when I have something that is bigger than myself to put across or do or when I think someone needs me to stand by them in that bright pool of light (even if they can’t see me there).

When to step away from the light? When you have failed or maybe when you are low or when you need to reflect and take stock? It could be any of those really couldn’t it? For me it is the reflect and take stock idea or when I just want to be invisible. Even though today has been a beautiful honour for me to take care of someone, it has taken it out of me and I need to step away and draw back into myself – I need to be invisible so no one else gets to take a piece of me. I am not complaining – this IS WHAT I DO – it’s what I have chosen – to give myself 100% to ensure they can do what they need to step back into their light and breathe again – but when I am done I need to replenish me.

If you imagine one of those bags you can keep clothes in, where you attach the vacuum and suck the air out – when I give my energy, whether via massage or reiki, I feel like that bag when I am done. If I see two or three people and do nothing to add the air (the breath) back in in-between, I have nothing to give, absolutely nothing and I am simply a hard, lifeless, outer with everything inside me squashed, depleted and no longer able to function as they once did. This is where I step away, go into myself and breathe.

It sometimes takes an hour, sometimes half a day and if I have been very remiss, it can end in tears and overwhelm. I have been very remiss…. but, words of encouragement from one friend and a virtual hug from another and I am getting back to being me, I can hear and feel that breath forming in the lowest part of my abdomen. As I breathe in I take with it the words, the hugs and the love I know is sent my way. I have the knowledge that I am exhausted because I am doing something good for someone else, I am depleted because I have stopped loving and caring for me, I am my own boss and need to just give myself permission to have a tea break and quiet time. If ever there was a time to put yourself on the naughty step, this is mine.

If I am tired and emotional because I have stood in the spotlight and given the very best of myself then I am okay with that and will gladly now take a bow, step away from the light and retire to a hot bath and a nice cup of peppermint tea.

Ask yourself if you want to be in that light and if its feeling too bright ask yourself what you are going to do; stay or step away?

So… when a title for a blog comes to me I just write….. I think maybe its my higher self talking, reminding me, taking care of me, being my guide and my conscience…. who knows!






What is overwhelm?

I have no idea what overwhelm is for you but for me it is knowing I have lots to do, knowing that I have already prioritised and ranked my tasks and I know that I can actually do it all BUT I simply can’t cope with it all without that breathless feeling, that shouting in my head, the noise in my ears and the inability to switch off.

Today is simply one of those days. As usual I wear a smile and if anyone casually asks, then I’m fine or having a really productive day. If however someone close asks, or maybe someone I know will ‘get it’ when I can’t put it into words, then I allow my barriers to drop and say ‘do you know, today I am just not coping’. That doesn’t mean I need them to fix anything or say anything positive, just hear my words and realise that just them asking was enough.

Today I got the words “I can only imagine. You are taking your business into new places and it’s uncomfortable. But nothing in this life is easy. You know that I believe in you. Many believe in you…. step back a bit and ground yourself. ”

That was enough to pick me up, brush me down, hug me through the airwaves and set me on the right track again. I believe in you. Powerful words when you yourself can’t, won’t, don’t or are just too much inside to see out. I believe in you. Astonishingly calming words when all you have is noise. I believe in you. Beautifully loving words when you are struggling to love yourself or what you do. I believe in you…..

When all else fails and your day feels like nothing is going right then remember that someone somewhere has your back and you can lean on them a while until your legs are strong enough to take another step.

Today I needed those words… tomorrow it may be you or someone you know. Remember them. Use them. Give them freely. Give them with love.

So from AARRRGGGGHHHHH to AAAHHHHH. From chaos to calm. From overwhelm to a sense of knowing that it will all get done / sorted at some point and until then just breathe and do what you can.