Reflections & New Beginnings

I know that at this time of year many people talk about new beginnings, dreams, ambitions and goals but 2018 for me is most definitely a new year with new opportunities, new beginnings and the desire to be as successful at what I do as is humanly possible.

I don’t make new year resolutions but this year I have decided to look at what I want to see, feel, have achieved or be doing by 31st December 2018. Now I know what that looks like I can work back and implement learning and actions to achieve them.

Briefly looking back (as you must sometimes to see how far you have come and what you have accomplished), I see that 2017 was a year for listening to my body, taking better care of myself, seizing opportunities every time they arrived, learning, listening to those who I came into contact with and setting my sights on what was really the very essence of who I am.

In 2017 I stepped into my own space and found the home I had been searching for, for so long. It was within me.

I am a healer. That doesn’t just mean working through my gifts of massage and reiki but through listening to those in need of being heard, taking a positive approach to my life and sharing any wisdom or thoughts that come to me to hopefully instill that positivity in others and, in discovering me, helping others do the same and take a step forward on their voyage on this planet.

Healing people through massage, reiki, music, speech and words, creative therapy, nature, energy and love. It’s what I do. These are the gifts I have been blessed with and if I don’t use them I am avoiding my divine purpose. I include energy in this (hence ‘The Energy Magnet’), because that is who and what everything on this planet (and therefore the planet itself) is made from.

As we move through life we interact with plant, animal, human, object, all of which are energy in one form or another and as you know if, for example, you waft your hand through smoke it moves and maybe disappears – this happens with every single interaction you have in life – you interact and you change the position or state; you impact even on the smallest scale. Energy is all we are and you can make this a positive or negative experience. I wonder what impact you have on your environment? Positive or negative. Think about your words, your actions – are they can’t, won’t, hate, don’t, shouldn’t or fail or I am, can, will, love, power, success?

I wander away from where I began – reflection and new beginnings – take this first few days of a new year to think about what you want your year to be – you impact, you control, you have and make choices that will make it all you want it to be. Yes you may fall a little (that is how we learn) or a curved ball may take you off course for a moment (that is how we find our path) but if you are really strong in what you want and have plans in place to achieve them, what could possibly stop you? Only you.

Take stock of what last year gave you – everything has learning to be gained. I had some fairly low lows but they taught me lessons and more importantly I learnt from them. Once you have looked briefly back, turn around because that is it gone – it is no longer available to you – forward is the direction and there will be many paths to follow but you are in control and may choose whatever looks and feels right for you – for you I add, not someone else – your heart and your head may battle and only you can decide which to follow (I actually always listen to my gut) – this life is short and made for living. Live, don’t exist.

I wish you the most beautiful, successful, fun and happy 2018. No life is perfect but if we didn’t have the lows how would we ever learn to appreciate the highs? As I type away here, in front of me on my wall are seven achievements I will be experiencing by the end of this year and alongside each is a photograph to remind me why I live this life, why I love my life and why I am on this amazing planet earth. I wish you all well. I wish this planet and all riding on it well.

 

 

 

 

 

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Let Go of the Steering Wheel

I have always needed to be in control of my life and sometimes, sadly, other peoples lives too, when they interact with mine. I feared change. I feared the danger of what could happen. I feared who I would become or how I would react, feel, or what others would think. Recently though, I have realised that to get the best out of myself and most certainly to get the best from others, I have to let go of control and take my hands off the steering wheel.

If you are on one of those children’s fairground rides where you are in a car and think you have the control of turning the steering wheel and keep it going in a circle, you continue turning it in that direction. If you suddenly decide you want the car (and therefore the ride) to go the opposite way, the logical thing is to turn the steering wheel the opposite way. How do you feel when you continue in the same direction?

Is there a dawning that you aren’t really in control at all? Do you feel cheated, angry, duped? Maybe you do but if you take another glance, you will see that your journey continues, the ride is still moving, the exhilaration is the same, you are safe and yet can still have fun and you can turn the steering wheel a different way and get that buzz of feeling like you are going against the direction chosen for you, without the fear of what will happen.

In life, you can be gripped onto that wheel, always turning the way you think you should go because you are in fear of what happens if you turn a different way or, heaven forbid, you let go completely. But do you know, when you let go, life continues (just like the fairground ride) and sometimes actually takes you to places that give you much more pleasure, experience, possibility, freedom and fun than ever staying in the direction you told yourself you had to go. It’s good, no, life changing, to take your hands off, lose a little control and just see what direction life takes you.

I know that I have become a more relaxed, happier, less uptight, more rounded and grounded individual. Why? Because I have trusted those around me to keep me safe, I trust those who know and care for me, will only be taking me in a direction to benefit me, to teach me, to grow me. I have finally trusted myself. I have finally believed in myself, my values, my gut, my judgement of people and places. I have realised that relationships are more fulfilling when you allow each other to steer sometimes; more exciting if you both let go and see where you end up; more secure when you trust that someone else has the wheel if you step away.

So will I be setting new year resolutions, targets, goals (controls) for the year to come? No. Quite simply no, not in the true sense of the meaning. I know how I’d like to feel at the end of the year, what I would like to know more about, where I would like to have been and to know I have served others in the process means the year has been all it was meant to be. Once I know that picture, all I need to do is step back and think “today what can I do to get myself one day closer to feeling that way, knowing that, getting to that place, serving those people”. Tomorrow, next week or next month is of no consequence. Today I can choose to take a step towards it and if, by chance, I don’t make it, then I will forgive myself and let it go.

Am I perfect? Hell no. Will I achieve all I set out to? Yes, but, if along the way I get side tracked by someone or something else that diverts me on my journey will I fret, stress or tell myself I’ve failed? Absolutely not. We all meet people who change our thoughts or teach us new skills and we all cross paths for a reason. Sometimes I will reach road blocks and have to divert and sometimes I will go downhill and sometimes up, but always it’s a journey I wouldn’t have had if I’d stayed on the track I originally planned (meticulously) as this year ends.

Here’s to new people, new places, new journeys. Here’s to control and freedom. Here’s to planned and unplanned. Here’s to steady away and total abandonment. Here’s to stories, here’s to freedom, here’s to a fulfilling and year to remember. And when I look back at all I have achieved will I be who I am now? No, but I will be damn proud and in love with who I have become.

I have to ask…. what are your plans for next year?

 

 

Something’s Missing

Gifts, trees, tinsel, food for more than is round the table. What’s missing?

Look into my heart and you’ll know.

We can paint a picture, we can paint on a smile, we can dress up, and sing and dance but behind those eyes there is a loss, a void that you will struggle to fill.

Look into my heart and you’ll feel.

When you have all you have, when you say thank you and show your appreciation for the ‘things’ you receive. When you surround yourself with noise and laughter and busyness, when you sit on the outside applauding the people on the inside. When you seemingly have everything, you may feel you have very little.

Look into my heart and you’ll see.

The one you love, the one you miss, the one who makes you feel like the world is covered in glitter, is somewhere else. Somewhere you cannot go. Somewhere you cannot penetrate. Somewhere far away from your reach.

They are not yours. They are not available for you to touch. They are not available for you to stand before and whisper how much you love them. They are not here. They belong somewhere that is not here and that you must accept or curl up and cry.

You can have the tinsel, the gifts, the food but you cannot have the one thing you need.

Look into my heart and you’ll find your place. You know where you belong.

Surrender

Do you know what complete surrender is? Have you ever experienced giving yourself utterly and totally to something or someone? It is not an easy thing as there has to be total trust, total belief in yourself and those on the journey with you and the purest honesty you will ever know.

In surrender there is nothing. There is no hiding. There is no holding back. There is freedom. There is pure naked loss of control. There is something divine. There is silence. There is pure unadulterated bliss. There is a place where there are no thoughts. No words. The silence is deafening and the world has just stopped spinning, for a split second there is a stillness and then a release.

So once you have reached this ultimate sacrifice of yourself what then…. I believe it is all you ever dreamed about giving, receiving, learning, loving, hoping, wishing, manifesting. Freedom. Freedom from others, freedom from yourself. A sense of power. A strength through your very core that no exhaustion or loss of energy can ever take away. An inward breath of life; a gasp, a sharp intake of air so fresh that it somehow stops everything for a split second, allowing your body to realign itself and become something more; placing you in another dimension from where you have been living.

Surrender – a dictionary definition can sound very negative when it states “capitulate, give in, give (oneself) up, yield, concede, submit, climb down, give way, defer, acquiesce, back down, cave in, relent, succumb, quit, crumble“. These synonyms bring about a sense of loss, backing down from something, of giving in, of admitting defeat but look at them again and find their power. To give in takes courage, a higher mode of belief, a faith in yourself and your surroundings that you will grow from the act of letting go. To defer to anothers knowledge, faith (especially when yours is low), a strength in character or ability and being power in your own skin. To succumb can be most beautiful – the most precious gift you give to yourself and therefore those around you.

Surrender to the universe and feel the freedom you are given in return. When you surrender you are saying “take me, take from me all that I carry, all that I am and free me from it all. I give you myself. I trust that you will take care of me and keep me safe. I surrender and give all I am to be all I will become”. And, as the great Eckhart Tolle says “sometime surrender means giving up from trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing”.

Most of all enjoy the feeling, the emotions, the beauty in giving yourself. Open to that blind silence within and breathe. When you surrender yourself, others see the you inside, the you that shines, the pure you who came into this world. When you surrender feel every moment and treasure it for all eternity. It is truth. It is power. It is pure poetry. It is…. silence.

 

 

 

Pen and Paper – Really?

When we take a pen and paper and open our minds and hearts to how we feel, what we are thinking, what we can see, hear and touch, or how smells and tastes affect us, we create magic.

Busy lives mean we compartmentalise our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We act on auto pilot and we can forget to express ourselves. A pen and paper invite us to do just that. Once of the oldest forms of expression we have.

An invitation: permission to express, discover how we really feel within the world of our subconscious self. The side of us we don’t always allow to hold a conversation with us. The side we are often too afraid to set free.

So, you have a pen and paper – but what to write? So often we cannot think of anything we want to say so we don’t begin or we crash out our thoughts on a keyboard, often in anger or frustration. Letters, creating words which are lacking in care, because their format is already pre-set and even. Handwriting will vary with the words, emotion, and the speed of thought to paper and become a picture of expression in itself. You may take time over how each word looks if the meaning is important to you.

Stop. Put your pen down. Take a breath. Close your eyes and take another breath and listen. To what? Listen to your thoughts. Keep your eyes closed and look into the dark recess of your head. The words are there. They may be humorous, they may be a double edged sword. They may be free and easy or hard to distinguish. They may make you laugh or cry or go to places you’ve tried to bypass for many years, but you can see them. Set them free…

Imagine being a word, a sentence, a paragraph or a whole story – wouldn’t you like to see the light of day once more and feel the air, the warm sunlight, the breeze as you move around and create shape and form on a page. Isn’t it time to release the old, musty, suffocating and stuck emotions attached to yourself. You have fear and sadness and anger wrapped around each of your letters. Set yourself free…

Find those words inside, talk to them, assure them that once you open the door and they flow from the pen that they will no longer hold emotions that make them feel overwhelmed and out of shape. No longer owned by you, they are free – no more attachment – no more past, just shape and form and colour on a page – a thing of beauty once more – no longer held back or embittered with unhealthy emotion and attachment to the past.

So, when you feel a moment where you need to express whatever is inside, visit those words in your head as you would an old friend and ask if they’d like to be set free and join with the words living in your heart. I am certain with encouragement and patience and the desire to be set free they will happily come forth and fill a page. Make their new home beautiful quality paper or a beautiful notebook – somewhere they deserve to live – and write them out with a beautiful pen and they will not only be happy to flow but will also create a work of art that is part of you. No longer angry or sad, but art created by your heart.

Read it back out loud and release them into the universe – free them from all they have meant to you – allow them to be words, just words, once more. No longer emotional baggage, no longer with a hateful sound – just words that can now move on and create new sentences and phrases – just like you – renewed, empowered and free to choose where they head next.

Why journal? It’s important to release, to let go, to create something new from an old story no longer serving you. Recycle without the emotional attachment. Let those words tell your story and then let them go – they are no longer yours – they no longer have an attachment to you, for you or to your past. They are simply beautiful words, enabling a language we should nurture and be proud to own, flowing across a page creating a picture of peace, breath and new beginnings.

Take my hand….

Who are you?

I type into a blank screen, sharing my thoughts, my highs and my lows never knowing who is reading, who is reacting for good or for bad, who is helped and who simply closes the screen and moves on. I don’t mind and it doesn’t really matter because if I have impacted one person today then I feel tapping at this keyboard, baring my soul some days to the universe, has served my purpose and in doing that, has served you.

Whilst I talk of my feelings, my emotions, my experiences, my high and lows, my love, my anger and my frustrations, I know that somewhere out there others are experiencing exactly the same thing – I am not alone and neither are you. I listen, I watch, I hear, I feel and I touch. Those who need these gifts from me will receive them, those that do not, won’t – it is as simple as that.

I used to want to help the world – my ego said it was the best way to behave – my ego is a complete ass!

I can only help those in need. I can only help those who connect with who I am and how I experience life. I can only connect with those who want to change. I can only connect if I  keep sharing, no matter how hard and uncomfortable this sometimes is. I can only connect if I am open, honest, truthful and my authentic self. I can only connect if you see, feel, hear and are touched by my written word.

What you see with me is what you get – I may not have all the airs and graces of some, I may not have the image, the looks or the panache of others. I may not be an intellectual, I may not be a high flying business woman. I may not be the best mum in the world and I may not be the most pc. I may not be the most motivational. But…. if you need me I am enough.

So who are you?

Are you overwhelmed by life? Are you wondering how the hell you’ve arrived at where you are? Did you look at yourself in the mirror this morning and wonder where you’ve gone? Did you forget to tell your kids or your partner that you loved them today – how long is it since you said it to them… or yourself? Have you cried this week for no reason? Have you rolled your eyes at bureaucracy stopping you from doing what you need to instead of doing what you need to? Have you lost faith in all around you? Have you lost belief in yourself? Have you stopped learning? Have you stopped laughing? Are you on autopilot through most of your day? Do you live in the past or daydream constantly of what might be?

Come on… talk to me.

Share yourself with me. No one else can hear you. No one else can see you. It is just you and me – I give you space to be, space to talk, space to be silent, space to cry, space to laugh, space to grow and space to shine.

Give me a sign that you are ready for the next part of your journey. It doesn’t have to be public – you can private message me. Just trust me and know that I know where you are, how you feel and am here for you – just you.

What ya doin?

Right now, right this second what are you doing?

I wonder how many actually had to check as you are on autopilot? I wonder how many are sat playing on your phones? I wonder how many are doing something you love? I wonder how many are worrying about bills, illness, things they have to do later this week or month or year? I wonder how many are worrying about the past? You may see where I am going now….

I wonder how many are present right this second and are neither looking back or forward but just enjoying today, now, right this second. I don’t wish to be negative but I think you are in the minority.

I had a conversation today and I heard myself say how much I live in the present. Well I do, that wasn’t a lie but do I really do it all the time? No of course I don’t – I allow my past behaviours and my ego to join me and they can drag me backwards or force me to look ahead and worry that I am not going to be good enough, successful enough, financially secure and continue to press all those other buttons that set the stress levels heading to the sky. Does it worry me that I am so easily sidetracked? No not really. I am okay with acknowledging that is what I am doing, stop and then forgive myself. I am after all, human.

So often we don’t forgive ourselves and we allow our ego to keep nipping at our heels telling us “see I knew you couldn’t do it”, “I knew you were weak and lacking in discipline”, or “see it’s better this way, life is so much easier”. Tell your ego to do one and take back control.

This present, this now, this right here this second is where you live. You cannot change what has gone, what decisions and choices you made, who you interacted with or didn’t; all you can do with the past is learn from it. The future is only what you make it to be. Second guessing, make believe, day dreaming or deciding what it looks like before you even get there is absolute rubbish and a waste of this precious gift we have – time. Now. It is actually all we have and it’s short and in the blink of an eye you’ve already moved on. What you do, choose, decide, create NOW, IS YOUR FUTURE.

I have lost time with the people most precious to me – my children – because I was always fearing what lay ahead and not dealing with where I was. Always dreaming that life would be better instead of working in that moment to make sure of it. I was always playing “do you remember when…” to try and capture the happy times instead of enjoying the ones I had with me in that moment in space and time. I will not lose any more. Today is a beautiful day because that is how I choose to live it. This second, this hour, this day, this night will not go wasted because I will use every single second I am given to make my world a better place.

Selfish making my world better? No. If I don’t get my own house in order and live the life I profess others to live I’m a charlatan, a fraud, a liar, a sales pitch from one of our 21st Century Guru’s and I am not authentic. That last one to me is the biggest of all. Without authenticity I am nothing. Without authenticity I may as well give up what I do, shut up and go back to day dreaming and what if.

So what’s it to be? Past? Present? Future? Ego or Authenticity?

All you do is talk, talk, talk

So many words. So much chatter. So much noise. This world is simply too much for me sometimes and I need step away, find my personal space and live there for an hour or two. Why you ask? To regain my peace, my sanity, my joy, my perspective, my confidence and my love of humankind. All those things that get side stepped or lost in the noise.

Tell me this, talk to me about that, remind me how wonderful you are and how simple and naïve I am. Overpower me with your clever words and manipulation. Tread on my heart and take away my breath of joy by belittling me once more. Knock me down. Beat me. Give me words, words, words – those ones you think so clever and wise yet are so poisonous and mean. Tell me how great you are, tell me how lowly I am. Talk at me and not to me and make me weak with tiredness and lack of self esteem.

Tell me all this but remember one thing….. I am enough and no matter what you say, how you treat me, how you try and make me feel – I will beat you, beat this feeling because I AM ENOUGH.

How dare you question my integrity! How dare you knock me when I’m down! How dare you take my insecurities and throw them back at me as your weapon! How dare you stand above me to make me feel small! How dare you think you are better than I – we are different and there is no measurement of ‘better’ in this life. Being better in todays world is narrow minded, bitter and says you think and care for no one but yourself. This is not my world and I refuse to live in yours.

I live in the world I talk about. I live and breathe my words. I care. I love. I inspire others. I give. I live not exist. I have joy. I have positivity. I have peace and tranquility. I have a light inside me that I shine for everyone to take some warmth from. I am a beginner in some things and an expert in others and I will ask to understand and I will speak to share what I know. I am brave, I am courageous, I am smart, I am a healer and I am me. Nothing more. I am all I can be and if that is not enough then feel free to walk on by until you find what you seek.

Talk, talk talk and act only when it suits you. When your ego needs caressing, when your ego is feeling sad and small. Talk and fool those around you if you like, but me? I see through you. I see your heart. I know you. I see what you are really made of. I just wish you’d show the rest of the world, all of the time, what I see in brief moments of reality.

I am more than I appear to be. All the world’s strength and power rests inside me. This holds true within you too if only you would put your ego on hold….

 

Looking Inward and Seeing Self

“Inward is not a direction. Inward is a dimension” Sadhguru Jaggi

Holding that mirror up is always a hard thing to do as not everything that shines back sits comfortably. I wanted to share with you if you don’t mind. I don’t have many who will understand but I hope you do.

Okay, so these are thoughts in my head that need to come out so bear with…..

I worked without supervision or a great deal of guidance (apart from the overall picture and goal) for many many years. I ran my own business and made my own decisions (may not be a success but I gave it my thought, my time, my all and I learnt and grew from it). I am an intelligent, thoughtful, caring person and I love what I do – it is my calling, my purpose, my passion – I am a healer. I’m not here to fix things or people but I am here on this wonderful plant to heal it and those on it.

I have never been effective when micro managed or when I’m being made to feel that my thoughts, ideas, dreams or ambitions are unworthy of vocalising or that I am thought of or treated as stupid and unreliable. When I give myself to a project, job, person, group I give all of me. 100% commitment and I live and breathe it. When I choose to work with or for someone they have my total respect, commitment, faith and trust and I expect nothing less in return.

I am not perfect. I am a work in progress. I am learning. I am experiencing. I am listening. I am changing. I am growing. I am positive. I am a fighter. I am an intelligent, wise woman. I am not a child. I am more than I appear to be and I have faith in all I do that it will succeed. I do not give my time to things that will fail. I make choices and I stand by them. I pick myself up and begin again as I learn from my mistakes.

I am here to make a difference.

I cannot survive without oxygen. I cannot grow if stifled. I cannot give if my hands are tied. I cannot be a better version if I do not get to challenge myself.

I used to have to be in control of everything in my life and those around me and now have learnt to let go. I am not the expert in everything and I have to accept others know more, can give more, have more experiences and skills to share – not better but different and I have to embrace that. I have to stand back and watch myself and my life and be honest to admit my faults and short comings and failings but also recognise my gifts and use them however they best serve me and those I work with, care for or love.

I am on a journey and the road ahead is not at all clear. I’m comfortable with that as I know the universe and god will keep me safe, true and on track. I have much to do before I leave this planet and I am ready.

I look in the mirror and I do not like all I see within me or around me so I am reviewing and changing. Another version of me maybe? I need to challenge me every day – who I am, what I do, where I am going and I expect others to challenge me too – if they are willing to do the same with themselves. I will not be kicked, trodden on or allow others to make me feel like I don’t have worth, don’t belong or cannot achieve all I strive for.

Doing the work I do I am faced with others gifts, shortcomings, failings and words and sometimes they sit comfortably and sometimes, especially when they act as a mirror to my own, they do not. That is not a reason to ignore them. Uncomfortable is good.

I cannot do this journey alone, nor do I wish to. I hope that my friends, family and colleagues will walk alongside.

Who walks with you? I will.

Version 2.0

To breathe, a breath, is the very beginning of you. When you and I came into the world the very first thing we did was take a breath and yet as we age and allow life to get complicated and take over, we forget that very simple beginning. When you do stop, take in that air from the universe around you and breathe out all that you have been holding in, it’s the most magical, transforming breath you have ever taken since the very beginning of your life; this life you have before you. A rebirth? A new lease of life? A new beginning. For me it’s Version 2.0.

When I realised my life was going oh so very wrong, to be shown that stopping, reflecting and then taking a breath would be my life saver was a momentous occasion and now it’s time to pay that forward.

What I do really is not magical, it’s certainly not clever or rocket science. It is simply taking someone like you by the hand to slow you down, standing back to give you the space you need and then, in time with yours, taking a breath. If you are ready, if you are willing, if you can open your mind and your heart to the fact that life doesn’t have to stay the same when you give yourself the gift of choice. We will breathe like never before. The universe will fill our lungs that have been tight and constricted; the universe will give life to the deepest, darkest spaces and light will appear.

No this isn’t some hippie, out there sh*t – this is back to basics, back to the dawn of your first day and re-teaching you to do what came naturally at that first moment you came into the world. This is enabling you to begin again.

I’m living my Version 2.0 life and in fact have probably installed upgrades often to fix bugs and errors many times since but the version I am is now so far removed from 1.0 it’s almost feeling like a total reboot. Almost but quite a total reboot as I have carried with me learning and traits that serve me and therefore serve those around me. I don’t have a manual, I don’t have a set of instructions, this version upgrade is all about you and we begin from where you currently are and what fabulous basics you already hold inside you.

So what am I offering? My time, my space, my conviction that everyone can breathe a new breath if they choose to and my faith that every person out there struggling with the bugs and irritants in their current version deserves, is worthy of and can be anything they choose to be. Need an upgrade?